Hi, I’ve decided to put some of my work up (*gulp* ~:| ). I’ll keep a record here of what bits of work I have up. I may put a couple up at once, so please make reference to which one your commenting if you do comment. And if I say any comments are welcome (or anything along those lines) feel free to tear me apart if that’s what you really think ;D . So yeah. Thanks!
01. 'Have You Ever...' (Short Story)
02. 'Instincts' (Twilight FanFiction)
03. 'Treasures of the Earth' (Poem)
04. 'My Fat Dog' (Poem)
05. 'Running Away' (Poem)
06. 'Burnt Alive' (Poem)
07. 'War Sufferer' (Poem)
08. 'Night Child' (Poem)
09. 'Animika' Prologue (Story extract)
10. 'Animika' Chapter 1 Part I (Story extract)
11. 'Animika' Chapter 1 Part II (Story extract)
12. 'Animika' Chapter 1 Part III (Story extract)
13. 'Animika' Chapter 1 Part IV (Story extract)
14. Obernet Story (Story)
15. 'Would You Ever...' (Story)
16. On-The-Spot Poem (Poem)
This is a story I wrote for school. We had to make a picture book and this is the story that went with mine. It doesn’t really take away too much from the book by leaving out the pictures. It’s called ‘Have You Ever…’ I hope you all enjoy it. I don’t care what type of comments you leave, but be truthful. Tell me which parts you enjoyed, which parts made you cry, which parts you wonder wth was going on, and which parts you just didn’t like.
Have you ever waited for a rescue that would never come?
When you’ve felt the meaning of love…
Have you ever had your heart ripped out of your chest, only to be replaced by agonising pain?
When you want to cry, but you’re too scared to make a noise.
When you’re almost too scared to breathe.
When the boy you fought to be with kills your mother, your father, your sister, your brother and even your dog out of vengeance.
When the boy you fought to be with would have killed you too if you hadn’t hidden.
When another girl walks up to the boy you fought to be with, only seconds after he killed your family, and kisses him.
When you’ve known the meaning of heartbreak…
Have you ever watched another girl kiss the boy you fought to be with?
When you turned down the cutest guy you know, just because the boy you fought to be with promised he would be yours forever.
When you believed the boy you fought to be with, you actually believed he would be yours forever, when you knew you would forever be his.
When you had to defy your parents just to be with him.
When you crossed the line of feuding families to see the boy you fought to be with.
When you’ve seen the meaning of war…
Have you ever wondered how long you have until the enemy finds you?
When you have to sneak out at night to get food and water.
When dark rings circle your eyes, because you’re too scared to sleep.
When every day you see your enemies and your friends killing each other.
When you see them die before your very eyes.
When you want to scream in your pain, and voice theirs.
When you swear that life couldn’t get worse, but it does.
When you’ve tasted the meaning of fear…
Have you ever been deathly afraid of the boy you fought to be with?
When he burns down your house, your home, your only safe refuge from life.
When you want to scream for help, but you know all it will bring is death.
When you wonder if death would be better than what you’re suffering.
When, just as the fire starts licking at your leg, the rain starts, dousing the raging flames.
When your hiding place collapses in a heap on top of you.
When you’ve been the meaning of death…
Have you ever wondered how much time your pitiful existence has left?
When you are stuck, shivering under a pile of rubble.
When you’re the only one that knows you still exist.
When you wonder how long until you starve.
When you wonder how much longer the dripping rain will stop you dying of thirst.
When you see everyone that dies, die.
When you hear every gun that’s shot shoot.
When you feel every bomb go off.
When you smell the smoke from every fire lit.
When you’ve cried at the meaning of sacrifice…
Have you ever seen a final face-off of the last three known survivors of a feud?
When one of them is the boy you fought to be with.
When one of them is the girl that kissed him.
When one of them is your neighbour in the wheel chair.
When your neighbour in the wheelchair shoots the girl that kissed the boy you fought to be with.
When the boy you fought to be with shoots your neighbour in the wheel chair.
When the boy you fought to be with shoots himself.
When you suddenly realise you’re alone.
When you’ve run from the meaning of war…
When you’ve wondered at the meaning of life…
When your final thought is why?
I really liked that Dinaria! It's very well written, and it evokes some powerful emotions and imagery. I loved the structure of it, too. Very hard-hitting. :)
Is this particular story based on anything? Like a book or a movie? I'm only asking because it seems very intricate and detailed for a poem/short story.
I think that it's great, and that you have a realy skill for this sort of emotional writing. I can't really give it a mark because I don't understand that system of marking. ???
But anyway, if you want some advice;
Again, I loved that story! I think it would have been even mmore effective with the pictures. But if you want to get a really high mark, maybe try to limit the amount of ideas you put into it?
Your piece is really powerful and emotional, but sometimes teachers prefer it if you make a piece simple but also powerful. For instance, in your piece you had that giant battle (which is why I was wondering if you were basing it on some sort of battle in a book). Some teachers may get a little taken-aback by that sort of thing. (I think that's the only reason you didn't get a higher mark... your writing is great!)
What I learned is that teachers prefer real-life situations. (That way they can understand it, and they don't have to stretch their imaginations too far, lol.) Or else, if you want to do something fantasy-oriented, they like it to have hidden depths/meanings. For instance, using symbolism is good.
Anyway, I thought it was really good. Definitely keep on writing, because you're good at it!
Thanks Avialle. It wasn't based on anything in particular, just an idea that came to me :roll: I'll take on board what you said, and thanks again for the in put ;D
This is a Twilight fanfiction. Do not read it if you have not read Eclipse or the first few chapters of Breaking Dawn. This fanfiction is about Jacob's situation in between the books. It is told from his point of view. Hope you all like it :roll: It is titled 'Instincts'
I ran when I wanted and I ate when I wanted.
Sam and the others still kept bugging me though. Seth especially. He had this crazy idea that Bella missed me. But I was alone, for now.
It had been ages since I had run away, leaving Billie behind. But I couldn’t go back. I knew Charlie was mad at him for accepting my decision to run, but he didn’t understand it. He was a good guy, but he needed to let some things drop.
I still couldn’t understand why Bells would miss me. She had her Edward- I shuddered and probably would have phased if I wasn’t already in wolf form- so what more could she want? She told me she loved me, and I knew I had been right. But then the leech came back and she forgave him.
I sniffed the air and ran towards the scent of deer coming from a near-by clearing. I decided I had to stop thinking ‘human’ and just keep to my instincts.
I leaped at the nearest deer and devoured it as the rest of the herd ran off. Then I felt someone else in my mind. My eyes narrowed at the deer-corpse. Seth.
Hey Jake, Bella misses you. She’s really worried. She need’s you right now Jake. Can’t you come back just to say goodbye to her face-to-face?
What about Edward? I snarled the words.
Oops! Instincts, instincts, instincts, instincts. I chanted it over and over in my head. It drowned out the sound of Seth and for that, I was thankful.
I didn’t want to hear how Bella missed me. Seth should just butt out! It wasn’t his business, he didn’t understand. Just because she missed me- I finished the deer and ran- why should I come running to her?
I knew that if I had to talk to her ‘face-to-face’ I would fall apart. I tried to concentrate on the smells and sounds around me, the soft, rhythmic pad of my paws on the fallen snow.
Seth stayed quiet as he did a quick check of the border before running back to his house. His last thought was of catching up with Edward sometime soon.
I slowed my running and paced over to a cave. I curled inside and slept.
I was woken by several growling voices. I thought it must be the pack, but then I heard Leah and Seth disputing over chores in my head. I yawned and lifted my shaggy head. I could take on any creature the forest could throw at me. I opened my eyes and saw a pack of Arctic wolves surrounding the entrance. The hackles on my back rose and I snarled at them. I heard a whimper from behind me and realized there was an old wolf and two cubs in the cave with me. The poor things must be terrified. Some giant creature had barged in on them. I leapt over the wolves and turned to nod at them. They growled at me and I realized they wouldn’t understand the nod.
I would have to be more careful about where I slept from now on. I ran on, unsure of where I was going. I came across two more deer herds and Seth and Leah eventually went away. I was glad Seth hadn’t bugged me again.
Embry came in as the moon rose in the midnight blue.
Hey bro, you all right?
I ignored him and paced my steps deliberately.
Just thought I’d remind you that it’s Edward and Bella’s wedding tomorrow.
I was glad that Embry showed dislike for Edward too, even if it wasn’t as strong as my pure hate for him. Then I remembered these were human feelings. I tried to expel them as I padded through the forest.
Well, see ya round.
Damnit! Stupid automatic reactions. I looked up at the moon for the first time in… well, I could barely remember. It shone down, marked with craters like holes. I remembered how Bella used to pull her arms around her chest to keep the hole she felt from making her fall apart. I noticed a faint light coming from the other direction and guessed it was morning.
Then it really dawned on me that Bella would be getting married, and all I was getting her was another hole. I shook my head. No one was there, all probably asleep still.
Then I ran.
I realized I was heading in the same direction I had been for the past few days. I guess my subconscious knew I wouldn’t- or couldn’t- stay away. I ran at full speed, hoping I could make it there in time. In the late morning, Sam dropped in. He was gone within seconds, probably going off to tell the others that I was coming back. I reached La Push in the early afternoon and make my way stealthily to the back of my house. I phased back into human and crept up the steps.
Billy was probably at the wedding. I went into my room and got some clothes on. It was weird, the whole ‘clothes’ thing. I decided I could do with a haircut so I used the kitchen scissors.
Then, as twilight fell, I made my way through the forest to the Cullen’s house.
I love your first one, it's so beautiful! Very emotion-provoking (well, I think avialle described it better) and I love the wayyou've written it! I don't really getthe marking descrpitions you described, but I'd give you top! Keep up the great work- I'll look forward to reading your stuff in future!
Thanks Cameo, I really appreciate it ;D . And thanks for the encouragement too. Yay, my second review! :D lolz.
Random poem 'Tresures of the Earth'-
The crimson crab in the ocean blue,
The golden heart, in both me and you.
The sparkling stars, in the night, so dark,
The beautiful voice coming from that lark.
The lovely sun, up in the sky,
The tiny truth inside a lie.
The delicateness of a butterfly’s wings,
Those deep blue eyes in which you swear you could swim.
The soft feathers on a swan’s smooth back,
A puppy’s small bark, of cruelty it lacks.
These sparkling jewels, these treasure bright,
Light some hope just at the sight.
Hmm, I love the name for that one as well as the poem! I can never think up good names..
Treasures of the earth is a real treasure Dinaria. It has good flow and imagery. You should try writing more simple poems like that one.
Hey, loveing on your writting. It's really great you've got the emotional side of it down.
'Tresures of the Earth' was beautiful. The tiny truth inside a lie. great stuff.
The only thing I didn't really like (and even then it wasn't not liking..just sort of nagging) was in "Instincts" it was really like the book how Jacob described his wolf life. I mean it was good but I would've liked something a little different to what we already knew. The little banter going on in his head about keeping to the instincts was so Jacob :D
I was taken aback with the first one at the mention of the boy you fought for killing everyone. I guess the pictures would've made it clearer but it was really abrupt and random. It flowed well after that and I got it was a battle. Ending=moving. It was fantastic, simple but the words you used packed a punch.
Theres my critique. Sorry if it was harsh in anyway because I think your a great writer and you should post more :)
Thanks so much peoplez!
Cameo- Even if you can't think of good names, your poems are great anyway ;D
Deb- I think I'll try that, thanks for the advice
Hannah- I agree about your comments on 'Instincts' I'm glad you like the bits you did in all of them. I agree that I probably should have put more into 'Instincts' that we weren't told in the book. ~:| And it wasn't harsh, it was your opinion and your entitled to it.
I love them all Dinaria. Especially Treasures of the Earth. It's a really beautiful poem, and I agree with Deb- you should try and write more than that. It's really effective.
Thanks Arwen ;D
This one is one that I wrote two years ago about my Labrador Retriever, Sandy. (She turns 12 in October ;D ) It is titled: My Fat Dog. It's not really much like the last poem I did, but I'll work on one like it ;D
Dog, oh dog, my wonderful dog,
Why do you always eat like a hog?
While your stomach is always so round,
Your jaw is always going up and down.
You're chubby, you're fat, you're overweight,
For your exercise you’re always late.
You’re far from light as a feather of a dove,
But for you my heart is filled with love.
hehe great poem. Aw I love dogs and 12 wow superdog.
That poem is hilarious Dinaria! The icing on my perfect day! ;D
Lolz, thanks Arwen and Hannah ;D .
Aw, I like the poem! It's cute and sums up a fat lab well!
Thanks Deb, I just finished fixing that up then ;D I did that in my original copy too... ~:| lolz.
Thanks Cam! ;D
Now I just need to work on another like Treasures of the Earth... well here's another one that I previously wrote in the meantime. Again, one I wrote for school. Running Away:
I climb out my window,
Bag on my back.
I glance behind once more,
At the house in which love lacks.
I realise what I’m doing,
The seriousness of it all.
I continue climbing the vines,
Growing on our garden wall.
I grab some paper from my bag,
And on it, I wrote,
A message saying goodbye,
On that tiny, little note.
I start to sprint,
I start to run,
‘People That Love Me’
Hi Danielle! Its me Maruman ;D Awesome....as per usual :P
You know, that poem about your fat Lab reminds me of Fat Cat ;D
Hannah - thanks, I'm glad you think so ;D
Maruman - Lolz, it does too. XD Why are you on a different account? o_O
Love it Dinaria! I agree with Hannah that you're endings are great. It rhymes nicely too!
Thanks Arwen ;D
Two more poems. They're kind of bad, but still :roll:
As I sit dreaming,
I am no longer screaming.
Even though I’m dying,
I’ve stopped all my crying.
I’m lying on the ground,
Not making a sound.
Flames crackle through my hair,
But move, I don’t dare.
I will now say goodbye,
As I give into the pain, as I die.
The bomb waves hits closer,
The house shudders and heaves,
I need to drag my brother,
From watching the wind in the leaves.
Why can’t there be peace,
Why always war?
Why leave an innocent village,
All burning and sore?
Why can’t we all co-operate,
Living harmonious lives,
Instead of killing and violence,
With sharp edged swords and knives?
I run into the cellar,
Dragging my brother behind.
I start to think of my mother,
Ever so bright and kind.
She was where the bombs last hit,
Now probably dead.
I feel a final shudder and lay unconscious,
Blood rushing from my head.
Woah, Dinaria! I agree with hannah and Arwen with 'Running away'
Burnt alive and War Sufferer are very emotional, but it's beautiful and terrible at the same time. I like the way the character thought about her family, which inspires us to relate to her or him, in that situation, which makes it emotion and thought-provoking.
Love it, as usual.