very nice. I like the imagary of the first one. with instincts you don't really need the word cavity in the third line. I htink it interupts the flow a little, but just my opinion.
i (L) all of your work
keep on writting :)
okies, this is just compleatly random and i thought of it while i was bored as while in society and culture, because its compleatly normal to think of wizards and sea panda's during a public speaking pep-talk......right? :-/
I am Borgon the abysmally challenged, Saucerer of the Lucky Isles, beholden to no one, not even myself, and definitely not any Kings or cutlery!
One day I was out shopping in the Wizardmart, looking for a new hedgehog or jockey, I can’t quite remember, until a mysterious crack alerted me to the fact that I was unconscious.
Many days later I awoke to a bright light above my head, sitting up, I had found myself outside underneath a street lamp. Scrabbling around I discovered a pack and staff beside me. Peeking inside I saw that it was full of food.
‘Oh, popin’ fresh’ was the first thing that came to mind at that moment in time, soon followed by; ‘where did my knickerbockers go??’ close on the heels of; ‘Why do I have my hat on my left toe???‘ and finally and most importantly; ‘Why am I writing in rabbit ear????’ accompanied with a poke to the afore mentioned...
I had no idea where I was going so I picked a direction with ancient and mystical methods, known to common, simple folk as ‘Eany, Meany, Miney, Mo’, and had set off at a cracking pace, that wouldn’t have even challenged an old woman with a walking frame.
Immediately, a few days after I set off, I discovered that I had no water and it was becoming almost unbearably hot, so much so that I stoped to have some fish and chips.
Yes, the chicken salt type.
I did not realise my mistake until I had almost finished my snack.
I had no tomato sauce!
In a state of horror I leapt to my feet, picked up my bag and began a Saga to find the elusive blended organic liquid.
Many eons later, after much rummaging inside my pack I came across what had once been a map to the sauce, reconstructing it to its former state of glory, I found that the pair of bloomers detailed a path to the Deep Vale of Doom, hidden some where inside the Intestinal Cave of Cavorting, in the fabled land of Timbuktu.
The ancient bloomers foretold a day where a man-of-Many-Head-Droppings-When-Young would come to seek his power in the Saucery secrets of the Forbidden Sea Panda’s. It went on to say that if merchandise had a warranty of three hundred years.
I checked the date.
I was out by a week, so lucky it was working. I grinned, I was going to find the Fabled Sea Panda's Saucery power of Saucy and Forbiddenness’s.
Pogoing gaily up the mountain I ate another flower and contemplated returning home with a full mouth as proof that I had the power of the Great Mighty Sea Panda’s.
Next thing I knew I was inside a small fish tank surrounded by Sea Panda’s, all of them squished up against the glass, as it was only a tiny fish tank and not all of them would fit…
The last thing I saw was a pair of full bloomers descending upon my head like a guillotine.
As i watched the iron bladed bloomers descend, I realised that there was no mightier might than the might of the Great Mighty Sea Panda’s might... Though I might be wrong, but I think I might be right, mightn’t I? We might never know, mightn’t we? Though you might disagree, or you might agree, though it might depend on your might in a community, mightn’t it? Or it might not
i think that the many 'might's are a bit much but meh :P
lol. It got a giggle out of me. Absurdity is fun.
okies, i have two again today :D
Tonight will be the night.
The night to end all nights.
Sulphuric explosions fill the midnight air,
Escaping the confines
Placed about them by others.
I will find a way
To come to life,
As the chemical flowers do,
Once every last night.
Once every forever.
The Passage of Time.
Time wears away all things.
mountains become stones,
stones become sand,
sand becomes dust
under the pressures of time.
Flowing, shifting, ebbing,
ever-changing through consistency.
clutching life within its stone-cold grasp
it grinds you down
it crushes you.
that by which is forever,
can never be immortal.
that by which is mortal, limited, imperfect
can live forever-
within the memory of the stars.
flashes, snatches of memories,
jerking like a jack-in-the-box would
backwards and forwards...
backwards and forwards...
:O thats really good! lol
i especially loved the passage of time. they both sounded like they had a lot of meaning to them!!
good job XD
Passage of Time is good Helena, have a read over it again and see if you can find a way to make it flow a bit better.
ahaha i just read the other one, about Borgan, its hilarious!! with the bloomers and everything. i loved the bit how it said, imediently, a couple of days later LOL. you are really good!
hello! it's been about a month since i posted here ~:|
anyways, i thought i'd put up a short story that i wrote (and rejected) for a homework task for extention... the tast was to wrte the best narative you could while staying within a 450 word limit and it had to start with 'What if...?'
[Edit: this one has also been temporarilly removed because i've decided that i'm going to base one of my major work-y things off of it]
i decided that, although it was rather descriptive, it wasn't good enough to submit, so i wrote another one... i would have put it up here, but my usb needs to be re-formated and it has my final copy of the other narative on it ~:|
anyways, hope you liked it :P
wow i sure did like it. your able to make all of your work just fit together. it really works and its really good!
hmmm helena, i think me and you should swap the bit of our brains that makes stories lol, i LOVE all of them. there honestly isn't a story of yours, or poem, that i havn't liked! the borgan one was especially hilarious!
I wouldn't consider it a 'happy' piece of writing, but its not too bad. lol at sending the 'non happy' version in.
RE: The Rain
I love your description. 'Crocodile tears' especally. It evokes familiar images in a new and refreshing way.
One thing: your second sentence is written in past tense ('I laughed...') and the rest in present tense. The present tense works better, I think, because it lends immediacy to the moment, and puts into question how it might end: past tense always implies the narrator lives, because s/he is looking back on events from a later time.
But beyond that, it's a really great piece. And I love the rain. I like that she finds hope there.
RE: Chemical Flowers
:) This is beautiful. I love fireworks. I love the last line: 'Once every forever' but exactly why I do, I can't quite explain.
i know, i love it too... but i have no idea why either :P
hmm.. it apears that sombody has sabotaged my usb! 8-| it wont re-fromat, even when i do it manually :| so you'll all have to wait until i get the 'non-happy' copy of 'The Rain' back from my EE teacher and re-type it x_X
Well if you were to format your USB wouldn't you loose it anyway?? (please don't tell me there is actually a way to format drives without having to move everything off it . . . *recently had to move almost a TiB of stuff so she could format her external* ":()
yeh, but i can't even get the stuff off of it, so your right, i would have lost it all anyways [act]shakes fist at her little brother, who is the most likely person who could have committed this henious crime against humanity[/act] ":( :"(
i love Chemical Flowers as well.
i love The Rain as weel the only problem would be that "I love you to." should be "i love you too."
woah, i sound so picky.
Ah yes I completely read that part wrong, I thought she was refering to the route that occupants were taling or something . . . Don't know how I managed that, forgive me I've not been sleeping well and am rather all over the place at the monet haha :P
EDIT: Which you can probably tell from my impressive english right there ^ :P Haha
thanks all for the critisism! :D
lol, yeh i was sitting outside for inspiration and saw birds swoop in to the creek near my school... it reminded me of the Agyllians, so i supose that ober was kind of an inspiration to me.. a bit :P
glad you like it ;D
[act]huggles *dpm* [/act] i had a sudden burst of writing today and i have almost no idea how i came up with this.. but i like it (for once)
yes, i know its a bit long... oh wells, i like it (for some strange reason o_O )
Edit: this poem has been taken down, as i shall be using parts of it for my HSC major work for extention english 2 :nod: