Wow, love it Helena! :D There are some very creative and unique descriptions in there - you're not just writing the generic descriptions that are in every novel (which I think we're all guilty of sometimes :P). Overall, a very gripping and interesting story.
It just needs a bit of editing to make it perfect.
For instance, you start off writing in the past tense.
I laughed at my musings
Since the rest of the story is written in Present Tense, I think it's better if you change this to Present Tense too. So it would be - 'I laugh at my musings'
If God were the puppeteer of life, then he is trigger-happy
This should be 'If God is
the puppeteer of life, then...' If you start off in the conditional tense, you would have to continue that way. ex. 'If God were the puppeteer of life, he would be trigger happy'. I think it sounds better with 'is'.
Jesus, I was one twisted soul, thinking these thoughts…
Again you're switching to the past tense, so it should be - 'Jesus, I am
one twisted soul, thinking ... '
The cool, heartless concrete feels firm beneath my bare, cold feet.
I like this sentence, but it feels a little disjointed. It's a bit of a jump to move from 'just goes to show, I suppose' to speaking about the concrete. I think you should either have a paragraph break here, or add in another sentence that links the two ideas.
I feel a tiny grin of regret trickle onto the pile inside of me.
This sentece confused me a little bit - I'm not quite sure what you mean. Maybe something like - "I feel a tiny grin of regret flit across my face - chasing after the countless ones that had gone before it".
As if on que
This should be - 'As if on cue
i feel the rush of adrenalin
This should be - 'I feel the rush of adrenaline
They wink at me, as if to reasure
Should be - '... as if to reassure
And there's just a couple of typos which you can fix up. :)
Love the story, it's really great... With something like suicide, it's easy to make it too soppy or melodramatic, but you did a really good job keeping it real. I think you really got across the inner turmoil. :nod: And again I love your descriptions.