The style is definately interesting. It's unfamiliar but not overly hard to follow. I can see why it might screw with your head though.
And I know what you mean about first person: I'm not overly fond of it, either, but some stories just need to be told that way.
I know you don't like to edit for grammar, but since you've shown an interest in improving yours, I've taken the liberty of going through this short peice with the grammar-comb. You can do what you like with it :D the bold is your words... but I guess you could have figured that out... it looks like I've really marked it up, but I really just tried to explain why a change should be made for your own reference, if you care to note it.
Green;(< a colon might work better here, though a semi-colon is gramatically acceptable) everywhere is just green. Lush, bright, warm; (< if you change the first semi-colon, change this one, too, but again, either is correct: the colon simply implies a continuation or elaboration of the previous thought, where as a semi-colon is an addition, like the next item on a list) surrounded by the never(insert a hyphen (-) here because the two words are standing as a single adjective)ending blue that cascades above everything and forever(omit the space between these two words for the same reason: they are a single adjective)more. It is just about in focus, (< because this comma is separating two complete thoughts, you need to replace it with either a semi-colon or a colon; I would recoment the semi-colon in this case)I can almost smell it, (< again, a semi-colon rather than a comma, to separate the two complete sentences) hearing the intensity is all that is left(put a comma here, or you'll have a fused sentence) but then for some reason that can only be said to be idiotic I had to go ahead and open my eyes and present myself back to the real world. Dank, grey, dead; (< I'd go for the colon again in place of the semi-colon, but in this case it is your own choice) looming for miles and miles(another comma here to avoid a fused sentence) and then there is Brandon, just ahead of me, picking his nose. Picking it and eating it. Of all the things my generation accepts (a generation is a singular noun so the verb should be conjugated as such) as normal, booger eating still isn’t one of them.
“Brandon I’ll cut that finger off and you can chew on that instead if you don’t stop that now,” I bark as he goes back to plunder his nostril[strike] again[/strike] (not a grammatical error, but you've already said 'goes back' so it is a touch redundant).
Dirty bugger just grins at me before sticking his finger in his mouth again[strike] while[/strike] use 'and' instead of 'while' because you've already used a subordinating conjunctio n (before) and using two in the same sentence diminishes the effect of the second addition... if that made any sense. Sorry. I'm trying to be clear) making ‘mmm’ing noises.
I could do it. Cut his finger off; but (here, the grammar is sound, but I think it makes more of an impact to use a period where the semicolon is, and, obviously, change the 'but' to 'But') I won’t, though it is extremely tempting. Seriously though, I know we are hungry(insert comma) but does he really have to do that? Then again(instert another comma) what am I thinking,(< use question mark and begin new sentence) it is Brandon(insert comma) and that is what Brandon does;(colon would work better here) among other things. To think he could almost be likable if one were dense enough to bother with ‘liking’ someone.
I don’t like Brandon. I can’t like Brandon. I shake my head slightly. What is there to like anyway?
“Better him picking his nose then you with your head up in clouds. You should know better, (you need a colon or semicolon. Either or would work just fine) this is a bad time of year to be daydreaming.”
Kat. Katrina. I glower at her but do not reply(insert comma) for she is right. I should know better.
I hope that made sense. I tried to use as little 'grammar talk' as I could, but in some places I just couldn't think of any other way to put it. If you need/want clarification on anything, I'd be happy to try explaining myself.
The most common error you use is the fused sentence: that's when you have two complete sentences... say, 'grapes are green' and 'apples are red' joined only by for, and, nor, but, or, yet, or so (those are all the co-ordinating conjunctions. A good way to remember them is FANBOYS). Two complete sentences can be joined together in any of the following ways:
Grapes are green, and/but apples are red.
Grapes are green;/: apples are red.
Although grapes are green, apples are red.
The trick, of course, is knowing when the sentences are complete... but I think I've yammered at you enough already so I won't get in to that.
I hope I don't sound preachy. I just love grammar so much, and since you've expressed a small interest in learning more of it... I am sorry if I've prattled on, or made you afraid of it... it's really not that complicated, and the grammar in this passage isn't nearly as bad as some things I've read, or written: I read something I wrote just two years ago and couldn't stop flinching at how terrible my grammar was even then.
I'll um.. I'll be quiet now. Again, feel free to ignore me. Grammar is right up there with Ariel in my books, so... sorry again.
Haha I think I have learnt more from you just then, then I did throughout my entire high school education. They never taught us any grammar ":(
*dpm*: [act]gobbles up Sionainn[/act]
More random fairy-tale-esque stuff since I'm obsessed and weird. I'm not really sure if this works since it's about the perspective of a nameless 'she' who I think will probably get confused with the 'Queen' and the imagery needs work but meh. Again this is kinda old but I've been over it for once and tried working out grammar but I think I just further conufsed myself so now I'm going to go to bed since it's 2:30 in the morning.
[act]really needs to get out of the 'I can only write in the wee hours of the morning' habit[/act]
Once upon a time, there was a Queen. Beauty and power and the like were endowed upon her, such as with any other of her type. She knew this almost automatically and not simply because she had seen this Queen before. It was just a fact here; indisputable. Everything always was.
The Queen’s heals clinked in a haphazard fashion as she dashed through the towering shelves. These shelves were blurred in a manner so that she knew that something lined them but in such a way that she couldn’t tell what they contained; their content was irrelevant. The Queen was the only important thing here.
The Queen stopped for a second as she reached the end of the row; she swung her face around, hair flowing seamlessly behind, as she stared back down from the way she had come. It was now that the full measure of the situation came screeching down. Noise erupted as the Queen’s expression was revealed as fearful and worried, and distant havoc and screams could be sought from a non-existent distance.
Long gone were the times of happily ever afters and Prince Charmings coming to save the day. The Queen’s prince was long gone now and she had no one but herself to look after her.
A dark figure appeared opposite the Queen, and slowly and steadily it stalked forward, bringing with it further darkness. She could not see its intentions, nor any distinguishing feature, but even if she could she would not want to. She did not want to face it even though she knew that one day she would have to.
The Queen stumbled slightly as she spun back around to face her final foe. She said something to it. Something perhaps important but the Queen’s voice seemed to echo into nothing. All words were lost; then the Queen too was gone into nothingness and the darkness prevailed. Its might overpowering all . . ..
I think if you hadn't told me the Queen and "her/she" were 2 different people, I wouldn't have known.
Maybe change "The Queen’s heals clinked in a haphazard fashion as she dashed through the towering shelves" into something like, "She dashed through the towering shelves, all the while hearing The Queen's heals clinking in a haphazard fashion." That might make it less confusing.
Is "she" going to remain nameless?
I like the story so far, though. Although I get the feeling all I'm ever going to see of your work is a lot of first chapters, and never any second chapters :"(
Aoife - don't knock the first chapter - they're practically all I write! :P
I like this, but the action seems to flow just a little too quickly. You could build tension by slowing the action down a little - follow the queen as she runs down the corridor - focus on the little details, breath, touch etc - show us her feeling at a visceral level. If she is scared, make the audience feel her fear.
I'm a big fan on the show don't tell rule - if her expression is fearful and worried, what does it look like? show me her face and let me decide what she looks like.
otherwise it's well done. :roll:
BTW - heels - not heals
There isn't really much I can add to the comments above but I agree with them ^^ and would like to see more when you got it.
[act]kicks Sionainn[/act] :P
aww don't be too hard on yourself. You might need a little more than a month to finish and if thats the case just go with the flow.
I think it is good so don't be so hard on yourself.
[act]kicks Sionainn[/act] Off you bum! :P
Find your pool of inspiration and you will never be a loss for what to right! :D
Oh I'm fine for inspirtaion and I don't doubt that I can get it finished by December, I just have a bad habit of putting things off 'cause I'm lazy. I need to kick the habit for a lot of things, not just my writing so hopefully this will be a good start to getting myself motivated :D
Thanks for kicking.
I like this a lot. Is it part of another story? Because it also makes quite a cool stand-alone dialogue. Hehe, Boris. I spotted, I think, one grammatical mistake, but then I lost it... So I'm not much help, heh ::) Also, being unwritery, I don't have any advice really. I just know that I like it :-"
Edit: People seem to kick you in this thread and I felt left out, so [act]kicks[/act] ;D Hope that helps.
*kicks Sionainn* You are not writing right now: You are reading posts on obernet, which is usually a fine use of time except that you have a deadline and need to be writing, writing, writing!!!!! Now, click the little 'x' in the top, right hand corner and open your word processor :nod:
Come: you want to finish the next two chapters by the end of today so CHOP CHOP (suey suey)! *claps hands and glares at Sionainn until she goes back to writing* ":(
*is better at ordering other people to write than she is at doing it to herself* ~:|
I like the dialogue and I'm a sucker for the name Boris so you won me with that one. Hope your writing is going better today...you have HOW MANY words to write to reach your target??? [act]boot looms in distance.[/act]
did somebody say 'kicking'? :D [act]gets out a giant novelty boot[/act] mwahahahaha! |:|
i like the Boris one, its very good... it makes me want to know who or what boris is... [act]is captain obvious[/act] :P
how many words have you got left to go?
Boot: [act]seems to come ever closer[/act]
Ugh I didn't actually have any specific number of words or whatever I wanted to write. My goal was just to finish the novel, haha. I have sort of worked it all out now though and I think I need to write about another 15 chapters to finish it up. So that's roughly going to be another 70,000 words on the 90,000 that I already have, which is really staring to annoy me since I only wanted the novel to be 70-80,000 in the first place. :-| So I guess that is roughly 2,500 words a day which is generally what I write anyway :)
Bad news is that I have done basically nothing over the past couple days. |:| I have an excuse, [strike]or at least that is what I shall tell myself[/strike] because my best friend broke up with her bf of nearly 4 years so I've been with her and our other friends nearly the entire time trying to keep her preoccupied and cheered. I don't think I've done this much socialising in a long time. :P
And my stupid computer has just come up with a error so i have to restart, so i'll finish this post later :|
*clears throat* (*seems to be doing that a lot today*)
Sionainn... have you been doing your writing? *stern look* Get a move on girly! Before I start counting down the seconds to January 1st! XP