Who is they?
And I like your poems. I dont care if they have titles or not, but it does make them easier to refer to!
This latest one is a great commentary on our self absorbed post modern society
and the one on death- I love the last line its humorous but also poignant.
(Yes, my sense of humor is odd and sometimes does lean a little toward the macabre)
I am looking forward to more of your poems.
Forum seems a little dead lately, anyway I'm trying to get back into the habit of writing more lately so I'll try to post something here at least once a week.
Expect various bizarre and stupid errors, most of my writing is now down on my iPad which has an exceedingly nasty auto-correct function that I have yet to work out how to disable. It really doesn't have a very good brain.
The interviewer's tightly pursed lips were not of sign of her indignation, just her extreme over indulgence in synthetic alterations -- not an uncommon look of the day, but regardless of the expression inhibitors the woman had willingly procured she was indeed feeling quite indigent. The woman she was interviewing was, of course, the reason why: though anyone who interviewed the -- currently -- orange haired woman seemed to end up feeling this way. She was ever the purveyor of the unpopular opinion; irritatingly so.
"I really don't understand the distinction," the orange haired woman babbled, her face full of gratuitous glee. "It is obvious now that it is hardly something abnormal."
"Abnormal or not, you cannot deny that these," the interviewer paused slightly, as if the following word was distasteful on her tongue, "people need to be studied."
Her subject rose her eyebrows. "I had a natural talent for the violin, among other instruments. I can tell you the exact pitch of your footsteps if you like -- should I be preyed upon like some guinea pig, just for having a natural talent?"
The interviewer really did purse her lips this time, rendering them invisible in the process, thinking to herself that indeed this odd woman ought to be tested for at least some milder form of psychopathy. "Well your 'talent' if that is what you choose to call it will hardly result in the deaths of innocent people, which the same can hardly be said for the para's."
The orange haired woman rolled her eyes now, and irritably shuffled about in her seat, causing the interviewer's eyes to catch on the other's cybernetic arm with some distaste.
"Unsubstantiated rumours. There has not yet been a single piece of evidence that anyone has died at the hands of a para's abilities."
"Well of course, but until very recently was it not so that people with such traits were nothing more than unsubstantiated rumours? I would think someone such as yourself would be well aware that just because there is yet no proof of something does not mean it cannot be true."
The interviewer was smiling now, but the orange haired woman's smile was wider.
"Do you have any clue as the percentage of people who have these so named paranormal abilities? One percent of the population -- and of course we do have an exceedingly large population as the media continuously reminds as all -- so yes that may be a significant number, but those that are actually aware of such abilities and even capable of knowingly using them is less then point-o-two of a percent. Why is everyone hyping themselves up about a bunch of people who barely have enough numbers to even consider themselves a minority? Especially when the most any of them can do is wobble a pencil across a table without touching it?"
The interviewer's lips disappeared again.
"So, when the world is busy sending droids and bots to kill millions of people every hour, why are we bothering with them? More importantly, I think, is why is everyone at Mortifera so interested in them? After all, if you are going to blame anyone for the deaths of innocent people, shouldn't it be them?"
The interviewer forced a smile, before pulling her gaze away from her guest.
"Well, I think that is all we have time for."
The orange haired woman walked away from the set, her face still buckled into a smile, only to be halted by an anxious young assistant with wide eyes that only ensured she looked all the more frail and vulnerable.
"They'll sue you for saying that, you know!" she said, as she handed the woman a bottle of water.
The woman shrugged, "Tell them to join the cue."
Oooh, auto-correct.... Great for the Pop Hangover website, but for writing, I can understand where that would get really horrible! o.o
I did find this kind of hard to follow, and I think I know why.... I have a similar problem... You use a lot of, for lack of a better term, "big words" all at once. Even though I know and understand all the words you used, I still had a hard time kind processing it all in my mind. Like the first sentence with "...not a sign of her indignation, just her extreme overindulgence in synthetic alterations..." I had to step back and be like, "Okay, so... what was that again?"
Whether or not that's really a flaw I would actually say is debatable... I have to reread lines from Shakespeare's writings a lot too, just because the dialogue is so heavy in words I don't commonly see... But I feel like you can lose a lot of the potential audience by making the text harder to comprehend, y'know? So, I personally would try alternating between the "big words" and some more accessible transition words.
Not that I'm trying to be all stuffy and proper, but that's my bit of CC and I know you said you wanted complete honesty... ^^; I just feel that this is good, but it would be so much better if the words were more fluid!
Wow, really. Personally I wouldn't consider any of the words here 'big' ones so to speak. Maybe I've been at Uni too long XD
I know I have a bit of a bad habit of making details vauge though, which is probably one of the major problems here. I've never been a fan in writing of just saying (well typing) things straight as they are, in this case being: the interviewer had so much plastic surgery she could no longer form expressions. Takes the fun out of it for me, and honestly I feel like I'm treating readers as idiots (which is a silly thought to have since they can only be aware of the information I'm giving them).
(Maybe I'm not schooled enough..... o.O)
I definitely wouldn't advocate totally dumbing it down, I agree that example you provided would be too straightforward. :P To extrapolate... I think the best writing is at a happy medium between let-me-spell-out-what's-happening and the much more complex descriptors. I wouldn't omit or change all the "big words" - I kinna like some of the "big words" ;) - but rearranging parts of it could help a lot too.
For example, if I were to edit the first sentence, I would want to make it look something like this; "The interviewer's tightly pursed lips were not so much a result of her feelings of indignation as it was a result of her over indulgence in synthetic alterations -- but regardless of the expression inhibitors, she was indeed feeling quite indignant."
Actually now that I've had time to think about it, I seem to use language a lot differently to what I did before Uni. I was talking to a friend about it just the other day now, and we concluded that we have become snobs. In fact I can't believe I haven't noticed before, especially when I have friends talking to me on fbook like this: 'become one of the mythical beings known as "art students" who follow flights of whimsy on metaphysical journeys through the portal of their own navel, bemoaning either the imperative or inconsequential need to sustain their physical bodies in favour of a much more intellectual diet of philosophy, aesthetics and the sensory sublime.'
OMG WE ARE STRANGE CREATURES!! WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN? HOW DID I THINK THIS WAS NORMAL? D:
Ah, sorry for the rambling. This has been surprisingly interesting to me.
I think I'll start throwing my writing at people who I don't attend Uni with and get their opinions too now. XD
Thanks a heap.
No problem! I'm glad if it helped out. And no, I don't think you're such strange creatures.... Actually, I kind of had to laugh at the bit about the "mythical beings called 'art students'...", because it actually really sounds like how me and some of my friends might sound after a couple/few years of college... xD
I really did like what you just wrote. I completely understand what Bazooka is saying, but i also think that it is fun reading something with so call 'big words' in it. I know that it can help give a broader description sometimes, plus you don't feel like the writer thinks your an idiot.
So basically i enjoyed the whole story 'big words' and all, but i still agree with Bazooka. I think it comes down to opinion in the end. :)
Plz keep writing!
I have to say mythical beings' is a nice, if not a near accurate description, of some 'art students'!XD
Thanks guys. I must say I am somewhat attached to my 'big words' too but I get what you are both saying.
And arts students are definitely mythical at the Uni I attend. they have their own little secret corner of the University that half the students don't even know exists. You never see them, and the only reason you know for sure that they do actually exist is that their artwork will randomly appear around the University at different times of the year.
More random stuff I write because I just like writing stuff that isn't needed for my larger project.
Eloise had decided she was not going to move for a very, very long time. She had done enough moving as of late, thank you very much, and was in need of an extended break -- assuming no one came along to try and kill her of course.
Currently, she was taking her extended break beneath a particularly large and bushy tree that had left the grass beneath it covered in a thin layer of crisp frost. It was currently melting into her hair and, rather more brutally, being stamped into oblivion by a particularly disgruntled Alex who was sitting beside the girl.
She rather thought he was being particularly overdramatic. Neither the grass nor the frost had done anything to him after all, though to be fair pretty much everything else had.
"You know if you keep doing that you're just going to get all muddy," she said very seriously.
His face spun around to flash her a look of pure incredulous fury. They were already covered in so much dirt and other assortments of muck that any more would only improve their appearance.
"We shouldn't be just sitting here," he snapped after a moment in which he had considered hitting her. Social pressures on behaviour were becoming less and less effective these days.
Eloise scowled slightly, still oblivious to what he was fussing about. "It's not as bad as your making it out to be," she sighed. "Besides we haven't seen anybody in days."
This of course was not entirely true but she was hardly going to bring up the technicalities now. Anyway, she was still pretty sure they had imagined the wolf.
Alex merely contemplated hitting her again.
Still ignorant to the effect the conversation was having on the boy, she decided to continue digging the hole she would probably end up buried in. "Just think about it," she said as she sat up to look Alex in the face with a smile. "In ten years, where do you think you'll be now?"
He continued to glare at her for a few seconds. "Dead."
She frowned. "You should probably try thinking positively," she said.
Feigning a contemplative expression for a moment he responded, "Still dead."
"That's not positive at all!" she scolded. "Me? Well I'm going to be married to a price," she continued, her obliviousness now just entering the zone of complete stupidity, "and we're going to live in some castle somewhere on the mainland. Yelka has told me all about it, and I'm sure there is plenty of them about. Princes, I'm not actually sure about the castles."
"Did someone ever throw a book of fairy tales at your head? Because I'm pretty sure it's still lodged in your brain somewhere," Alex snarled before she could go on about what pets she would have.
"For someone who hates my brother so much, you sure do sound a lot like him," she snapped, crossing her arms.
"Well I'm beginning to think I know why he is such a jerk all the time," he replied.
Eloise's eyes widened slightly. "You have to be nicer to me, I am your best friend!"
"What?" he gawked, completely flabbergasted now. "Best friend?"
"Yes, I've decided so," she said, lying back down.
"I don't even like you! In fact, I think I hate you more than I hate your brother."
And that of course was saying a lot. Eloise simply shrugged however.
"You will," she said. "I'm going to save your life remember."
Alex could only laugh at this point. Thus far the only thing the girl had done was get them completely lost and into even more trouble than they had started off in, which was quite a brilliant feat considering the amount of trouble that had begun the whole charade. It wasn't everyday people dragged you into a world that wasn't meant to exist to sacrifice you for something else that supposedly didn't exist after all.
Needless to say, it really hadn't been a very good week.
"I am not your friend; I am not going to be your friend; I do not have friends," he said with rather dramatic pauses, hoping in vain that he would get through to her but still knowing that it was a pointless task.
Eloise began fiddling mindless with a twig, completely unfased. "You have friends," she reminded him boredly. "What else are Matthew and Scott?"
"Matthew is an idiot, and I'm pretty sure Scott would murder everyone in their sleep just for fun if he knew he could get away with it. They aren't real friends. We just hang around each other so we don't look like freaks, which is obviously something you never learnt!" he snarled, jumping to his feet and storming away from the red head.
Eloise frowned fully, finally feeling offended for the first time.
"You shouldn't run off on your own," she shouted at his retreating back. "You'll get eaten by wolves!"
She thought she heard something to the effect of 'It'll be better than talking to you' but she simply lay back against the crunchy grass and resumed fiddling with her twig.
"He'll be back," she told it idly.
lol, Sionainn, this is great. A few spelling and grammar issues but it's funny, and fascinating.
I like it. I'm instantly intrigued by how the characters got there and where they're headed - it could work well as a bit of a backward and forward story - not told in chronological order, but just picking up random bits of the story and building it up any old how.
One thing, the perspective seems to float between the two characters fairly randomly, looking at one through the others mind, then switching. That can be confusing. Third person narrative can be a trap - it's seems omniscient, but you still have to think about perspective. Whose perspective are you telling the story from, and if you're going to use both, how are you going to delineate between the two? In a way, it's like choosing a camera angle.
I think its really good Sionainn :D I want to know more!
I agree with Nef though, with the perspective thing. Is there a partcular main character? To me it seemed like it would be the girl so it would probably be best from her point of view. Even though there was quite a lot of what the guy was thinking. I dunno, your choice :) (The way Nef explained it was really good)
Because I am terrible and have not been writing much lately, I thought I should maybe dust off this poor old thread and motivate myself again. By that, of course, I mean maje this post then promptly forget all about it again, while my stories continue to hover in the darkness glaring at me moodily.
So now to go make a nice cup of tea and get some words out and tomorrow I WILL post a short story. . . Yes that is what we will do.
Good plan. I should do likewise ...
EDIT: Removed because of reasons :P