I like this poem, but there are a couple of small things.
There are a few places when you drop out of the rhythm, eg 'rising on wing streaked with dark, and these lapses don't enhance the poem (add emphasis). I actually really like the first stanza - in the third line, if you take out the 'a's, you've created a really effective pattern: story, story, image (pause) image (pause) story. Very striking.
I was also a little confused as to your point - is it a nameless evil, or an evil creature - you seem to go back and forth between the two - I (personally) prefer the nameless idea - it gives you more scope to play with your stanzas -give impressions of the evil. You say yourself that the stories best remain untold - so give us hints, make them ambiguous - try to evoke the feelings of the things you are describing.
Watch also your judgemental language - eg "pure evil set to maim". As a reader, if someone tells me that something is 'pure evil' two things happen - I say 'says you', and I step out of the story. Try and make me 'feel' the evil rather than accepting that it is evil. You have some strong imagery there; don't waste the emotion it evokes by telling the audience what to think.
Also, if you don't agree, feel free to disregard. Poetry is subjective after all - and your poem stands up quite well on its own without my interference.
I really like your one about Fear. Well done BM. And... your other untitled poem I'm not so sure about it. Mind you... i like even rhyming in my poems. So... that'd be why it's not popular with me. :D Keep up the good work. Can't wait to see more of your work.
13 years ago
Sun Apr 10 2011, 05:15pm
[act]enters and quickly dusts thread off[act] Oh dear Lud, it has been far too long since I have been here! Anyways, I have to write 2 short stories for my lit class, and I was wondering what you peeps thought of what I have done on this one (keep in mind it is just the start of the story and is in no way even close to being finished).
[ligne][/ligne]
The cold wind cut like a knife through the empty alleyway, a silent scream that echoed off the lifeless buildings, wreaking havoc to the layer of filth that lined the pavement and embracing the night in a deadly caress. On both sides of the street the shadows surged, pulling at their chains, waring with the baleful moon above for control of the abandoned land. In the following silence footsteps could be heard, uneasy intruders in the wild, long forgotten alley.
In the lead walked a girl, young but by no means a child, with a certain beauty, despite her worn, ragged clothes. Behind her walked a boy who seemed only a year or two older than she was, hand in had with a small girl who held a half eaten sandwich in her other hand. None looking at the strange trio would doubt they were anything but siblings, and close ones despite their differences.
As if sensing their presence, another sharp burst of wind surged through the alleyway, and the young girl shivered, wrapping her the arm holding the sandwich around her in a futile attempt to keep the cold away. Without hesitation the boy stopped, shrugging his outer coat to wrap it around her, though it meant he was left in only a thin, ripped sweater. The girl grinned at him and he smiled back, ruffling her blonde curls fondly.
‘Hurry up Jarred, I want to get home.’ The boy looked up at the older girl who had stopped when she realised her companions were no longer right behind her, and was now glancing up at the surrounding buildings. As if she felt his gaze, she glanced back down and met his eyes. ‘I don’t like it here.’
If he was surprised, he didn’t show it. ‘Alright Jackie, we’re coming.’ Standing, he once again took the girls hand, and they continued to make their way down the alleyway, using the small amount of light from the moon to guide them. As if by consensus, they shifted to walk closer together, though the girl continued to walk a few steps ahead of her companions, peering intensely into the darkness.