I love it Smuffy. It's a great poem. ;D I love the concept, flow, rhythm, etc. It all just works really well. :nod:
Mystic Ward
14 years ago
Mystic Ward
Twentyfamilies Gypsy
I think the flow is off in the latest one Smuff. It's a bit all over the place. The concept is good and the word is good but the rythym of this one doesn't work for me. Try shuffling a few lines around a bit.
13 years ago
Fri Jul 16 2010, 05:18pm
Ah Deb, I think you're right about the rhythm.... :\ ~:|
I've had this story stuck in my head for years, and listening to Loreena McKennitt made me want to write this excerpt...
[ligne][/ligne]
The firedancer planted a foot in the stage beneath her, making shadows flicker on the wall behind her as the dancefire mingled with song. The mystical flame engulfed the stage, growing ever brighter as the dance went on.
This was probably the most famous firedancer in Den, Kirah Senkai. Her hair floated and whipped about her face according to her movements, her body twisted and writhed like the dancefire itself. Kirah was still controlling the flame created by the firedance, allowing it to compress before finally releasing it.
The firesong grew louder, faster and more intense. People in the audience noticed the dancefire becoming smaller, or rather, more compact. The firesong seemed to explode with the flame, scattering embers and bright sparks.
The audience gasped in delight as the embers sprouted wings and buzzed around their heads. Children jumped, hands outstretched, trying to grasp the fluttering, sparkling pixies.
13 years ago
Sat May 01 2010, 06:24pm
Corruption of Ice
The cold sprouted
In my right foot.
It seeped up my leg,
Ever so slowly.
My bones were chilled.
Still, the cold crept.
As my stiff body
Grew ever colder.
The cold before
Turned into pain.
It bore into me.
It ate me slowly.
My body now
Is not but a
Frozen shell state that
No warmth can reverse.
That's a good poem Smuffy.
It's really cool :)
I love it Smuffy. :D The title really grabbed my attention because it was something different. Good work. ;D
Wow, Smuff, I love it. :) Agree with VC, the title really captures the attention; I always seem to be caught in by those cool headings. Again, another brilliant poem. :D
Smuffs, this is really good!! They both are :D Gawwwwwazzz, why are you so talented? ~:|
Just found one of the Beanbags, now that the Wanderful Wandering event is finished.
Look in one of Helena's posts in the 1st page :P
This is the prologue of one of my books, i'm thinking about calling it Geno War. :)
[ligne][/ligne]
I stared at the TV screen in disgust. That show was on again. Geno War. It was a one on one tournament, with some Glory nobody fighting the Team Triumph captain, James "Falcon" Spark. Poor guy. Putting a newbie against a team captain...That's murder.
I looked away and tried to focus my attention on something else...But my uncle had posters of the Team Vixen vice captain on every wall. Sara "Valkerie" Jasten was her name. Her posters were a bit...Revealing. But then again, she is from Team Vixen. They're all sluts.
"Hey, Kess, why don't you sit down?" Uncle Dan was slumped in the couch, light beer in hand. He didn't usually look so slobby, but he's had a rough week at work.
"Uh, no thanks. You know I hate Geno War," I replied.
Yeah, it was just Uncle Dan and I in this apartment. My mother and father died in a car accident when I was a baby. I never knew them, so it doesn't really bother me much. But God, Uncle Dan can be irritating. He's so into Geno War, the very thing in my life that I despise with an absolute passion.
I really cannot emphasise my hatred of Geno War. Once a genetically modified human turns 16, they are eligible for this...This abomination of a show. To join, you apply for one of ten teams, and if you are accepted, you must stay and train in your teams barracks, and hardly ever even visit your family. When you are called on to participate in a round, do not decline. There are a certain number of rounds, and the team that has won the most rounds that year wins the yearly cup. Now, the rounds vary greatly. You can be placed in tournaments or single matches in teams of any number...Then of course, there is the pile-in. 30 members of each team are situated in an arena, just left there to kill each other. The ultimate bloodshed.
Geno was once a racist term. Nowadays, it’s merely the most common name for genetically modified humans. I’ve never met one, but I would love to. Some of them don’t even look like people, and have had operations to replace some of their body parts with machines...But I can imagine it costs a lot, and most families only agreed to such experimental genetic modification for the money. Wings, superhuman senses and strength, even cybernetic organisms...Even after all these years it’s a little hard to grasp. Genetic engineering is a bit beyond me.
[ligne][/ligne]
I was going to post a segment of fighting in Geno War, but I decided it wasn't suitable. Bit too violent. :P
Ooh, I'm liking the concept, Smuff. I love how you explain the entire thing, it's a good opening. :) Also the attitude of the main character is very well expressed through the first few lines. I'd like to hear more about it... (although hopefully not the too violent stuff) :P
Mystic Ward
13 years ago
Mystic Ward
Twentyfamilies Gypsy
It's an interesting idea Smuff. Have you thought of maybe spreading the explaination out a little. I think that having it bunched in one paragraph like that makes it sound more like the directions for a game. Also I think you emphasise the 'hate' aspect a little too much, particularly if Kess is going to end up involved in either the game or the life. Thanks for not posting the violent stuff.
That's really good :)
I would like to read more if you have written some :)
Agree with deb about the spreading it out stuff. :) Definitely an interesting concept though, and I'd like to see more.
Thanks for not posting the violent stuff Smuffy. I agree with Deb. The prologue needs to be spread out. Still an easy read though.
13 years ago
Sat Aug 14 2010, 12:32pm
My heart pounds
in my chest
under my flesh
beneath my bones.
My palms sweat
it trickles down my wrists
my hands are fidgety
they won’t stay still.
My blood sings
as it courses my veins
through my body
along its track.
My breath stops
for just a moment
caught in my throat
trapped in my lungs
Nobody can
make me feel
That way that you
make me feel.
Edit: Put an extra paragraph in there. Just 'cos.
Mystic Ward
13 years ago
Mystic Ward
Twentyfamilies Gypsy
I like. I've had that very feeling once or twice in my life.
So have I. I really like it though Smuffy. I like how each stanza is like a broken up sentence. That really depicts your mood.
Mystic Guilden
13 years ago
Mystic Guilden
Mage
Very well written Smuffy :) I actually think it could relate to several situations, but that final verse clinches the meaning...if that makes any sense :P
Agree with Ariadne, you could present it with or without to allow for crazy interpretations :D
This is Obernewtyn.Net. When do we not interrupt things crazily? lol.
