Hey everyone so i think i may have started another thread before so sorry if i did. I have decided to post some of my writings etc.:D I am hoping that this will motivate me to write more! So here is a poem i wrote once, i think it is all disjointed, but it is old and i haven't really edited it yet. Also please give as much comments as possible, i can take critisizm, as i want my work to be as good as i can get it. :)
Aleta's warning
His eyes are speckled,
they're blue like the sea,
yet his heart is black,
as black as can be
his words are velvet,
like soft slimy soap,
his thoughts confided
to his only hope
he wishes for life,
claims you only give
half of your being,
that's letting him live
the good man is silent
he will send you to bed,
the good man is swift
he'll sever your head
so i hope that makes sense sorta. i may need advice on punctuation. Also i was wondering if i could post a short story of mine, it has a paragraph of, what could be considered very gory, and i dunno if i should post it. Maybe i could put that part in a spoiler?
Thanks everyone!:D
Ellenah, I really like your poem because I like it's rhyme scheme and because I really like the description in it. I really like the first and last stanza's because they start and end the poem really nicely. :) I'm not really a poet myself so I can't critique, but the only part I didn't understand meaning wise was "his thoughts confided to his only hope." What is that trying to say?
And please keep writing! ;D
I also really like the first and last verses; they flow really smoothly. And, like MoonFire, I'm a bit confused with that line.
I'm guessing that the whole poem is a warning about some guy that's not as nice as he looks?
I'm all for you posting your story, but I don't know if you would be allowed to do gory, as you said, although spoilering it sounds like a good idea.
As for punctuation, I may be wrong, but you should probably have each line starting with a capital letter and each stanza ending with a full stop. Also, maybe consider using semi-colons, colons or full stops rather than commas all the time. ;)
Hey guys, thanks for you comments. Yeah i didn't know whether that line made sense. It is basically meant to me is all he thinks about is himself, i.e what he hopes for. If anyone has any suggestions as to how to make it clearer I would really appreciate it. How about if i change it to
his thoughts confided
to only his hope
Though i think that the word hope is what has everyone confused. Thanks so much for the feedback!:D
Aaah, yes, that makes so much more sense!! I think just change it to that and it should be fine. Or maybe 'his hopes'?
