I wrote this one day when I found out I, yet again, didn't get a role in a play I went for.
When you get turned down for a role, it's crap. Anyone who says otherwise is fooling themselves. You can be told all sorts of things like "You were fantastic, it wasn't you.... you just missed out..... it came down to you and someone else....... we want to see you again another time.......come back and audition for us next season...." All these things that are meant to make you feel better.
But they don't. How can it? The recap is You're wonderful - we still don't want you. It is a personal thing. Especially when you know there was nothing different you could've done. You see others getting roles and it feels like you're the only one who isn't. You sit there with your tail between your legs trying to convince yourself and everyone around you that it's ok. Actors are even great at lying to themselves.
"It's the name of the game."
"You win some, you lose some."
"90% of the time you won't get through"
You know the facts. You know the figures. You know the slim chances. You know this game is built on something that you can't affect because someone else knows what they want, and that's something you can never know.
But still. We sit there, shrug our shoulders, laugh it off and pretend to go on with our day. We tell newbies that you can't take it personally when on the inside you are kicking and screaming and almost hating your passion. You know you have to be ok with rejection- it's the major component of the industry. But just because you KNOW that, and you TELL everyone that you're ok, and that there will ALWAYS be another audition, doesn't mean you really are.
Deep down inside, it still hurts. It's still unfair. And people who have been in this game long enough know not to try and make it better, because you can't. You sit, let them mull on it, then let them forget it.
Most of the time you're rejected. Most of the time you don't get in. And even though it's not a reflection on your ability after awhile it feels like it is. It feels like you don't know what you're doing, and you don't even know why you put yourself through it.
So why do we? Why do we put ourselves through this emotional rollercoaster again and again? Once bitten twice shy - except if you're an actor. Is it that we thrive on continually being bitten? We have some bizzarre rejection complex? Who knows. All we know is that when the rounds open up again, and we look at all the characters in an audition trying to find one that we fill, we know why we do it.
It's in that dark place at night, or getting up early after 4hrs sleep and only wanting coffee because a rehearsal ran late. It's the discovery of being someone other than yourself, the excitement of the audience and the connection with other actors. It's the rehearsing 2, 3, sometimes every night in a week, giving up your life, your time, your energy and still coming back for more. It's the thrill of the ride. It's getting annoyed at everyone for not remembering their lines, and stuffing up your own and having to fly by the seat of your pants. It's the highs and lows. The rush-rush of working, eating on the run to make it to wardrobe on time for the cue-to-cue. The feeling of the audience as they're with you and - if you're lucky - their appreciation. Standing there, the last bow, of the last night, the collective sigh, seeing it in each other's eyes.
"We've done it."
Then going back to normal life and work, feeling the buzz for days.
Then next season hitting the audition track once again.
And asking why we keep doing this to ourselves.
Hells yes it is.
So true. All the way with you on this. Awesome delivery.