;D Well I am good at compromising. But if you dont like that explanation, mayhaps I could tempt you with a sample of other old writing I made a while back?
And yes it was, I'm just waiting for help with images for my avatar - a great scene of the season.
(And we should just make it an award, Darga--we can make awards! And then give them to ourselves :D )
Well here's the tempting sample - again there is probably bad grammar and punctuation.
He heard a menacing growl coming from his left. As he turned to look for the sound he tripped over a dip in the road. Jerinn went sprawling and the blankets and meat were scattered. Jerinn looked over to where the sound had come from, but all he saw was an extremely large grey rock surrounded by long grass. Jerinn picked himself up and went to investigate the area.
As he neared the rock he began to study it; it was a funny grey colour and had hundreds of cracks running along its lumpy surface. When he got to it he noticed that a slight breeze was blowing as the wind picked up. Jerinn walked around the rock looking for the source of the noise but he saw nothing so he turned around and was heading back to the path when he noticed something glimmering in the long grass not far away from the path.
A nice little teaser. Yay! You're addicted now WK. There's no going back. Let your beard start growing (it won't ever look as effective as Shonk's and my beards of course, but, hey, no point being jealous :P).
A couple of little points about that snippet. Beware of comma splicing. In the first sentence, for example. A full stop would be better after 'left' than a comma, and similarly after 'scattered' in the second sentence. Other than that, excellent work. Can't wait for more.
I am getting closer in being [strike]able to take over the world[/strike] grammatically correct.
I prefer your first option :P
Since you mention grammar and a desire to improve it... *giggles happily at the prospect of dicussing grammar for a whole post* :D
He heard a menacing growl coming from his left. As he turned to look for the sound,[sup]1[/sup] he tripped over a dip in the road. Jerinn[sup]2[/sup] went sprawling and the blankets and meat were scattered. Jerinn[sup]2[/sup] looked over to where the sound had come from, but all he saw was an extremely large grey rock surrounded by long grass. Jerinn[sup]2[/sup] picked himself up and went to investigate the area.
As he neared the rock he began to study it; it was a funny grey colour and had hundreds of cracks running along its lumpy surface. When he got to it,[sup]1[/sup] he noticed that a slight breeze was blowing as the wind picked up. Jerinn[sup]2[/sup] walked around the rock looking for the source of the noise,[sup]3[/sup] but he saw nothing,[sup]3[/sup] so he turned around and was heading back to the path when he noticed something glimmering in the long grass not far away from the path.
1.) Introductory clauses are short phrases that quallify the sentence. Things like "as he did this,_____" or "because there was this,_______" or "when this happened, _________" these phrases should be followed by a comma, to distinguish when the quallifyer ends and the full sentence begins.
2.) In the second part of the paragraph, you introduce the character's name, then use it almost relentlessly, as though afraid we might forget it. Because he is the only person in this short passage, you could get away with mentioning the name at the start of the first paragraph and then maybe once more in the second paragraph. Even if you do wish to use it more often, I would refrain from using his hame to start off two sentences in a row, as it causes unnecessary repetition.
3.) Darga already mentioned comma splices (which are, for future reference, when you have two complete sentences --- that is, they each contain an action and a person or thing to do the action) which are separated by nothing but a comma. At point #3, you have a fused sentence, which is where two complete sentences are separated only by one of these words: for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so [F.A.N.B.O.Y.S]
There are several correct ways to punctuate two complete sentences. A. and B. are the two most common, but being aware of the other methods can give you a greater variety of sentence structure.
a.) A full stop period. This method makes for little connection between the sentences. If used all the time, it also makes for a lot of very boring writing.
b.) A comma and one of the conjuctions listed above. They ran, and the thing pursued them. This makes for a more direct connection between the sentences, implying that the thing may not have pursued them if they hadn't run.
c.) A semi-colon. He was cold; the fire had burned out. In this case, the second sentence gives further explanation to the first, connecting them even more directly. This method is best used sparingly or it looses its impact and becomes too much like a full-stop in the reader's mind.
d.) A colon. There were just the three of them: nobody else had wanted to come. Like when using a semi-colon, a colon augments the first sentence, but in this case it is more a re-stating of things, using different words to get the same idea accross. This method is not used often at all, but can be usefull when a very important point is being made.
As for the passage itself, I am most intrigued by what he might have found. Obviously, in two paragraphs, there isn't much of an insight into your character, but the setting feels very real. I can just picture a nice, deserted piece of land, disrupted by this strange sound and odd rocks :D
Thank you for letting me talk grammar at you. It is so much fun! Also, you don't have to listen to me at all, but it's always good to know what rules you are breaking, so that when people comment you can at least say 'I know, I did it on purpose' :P
Edit: I just noticed this wasn't the first page, and there are more words! I will read those when I get back from work :nods: (Also, I, too, am still alive!
... great Ama ::facepalm::
I like this, WK :nods: It kinda reals you in. One small note (and this only personal preference) ; you use Jerinn alot. I don't know, but I found that a tiny bit jarring :P maybe replace some with he/him? I dont know :P It might just be my insanity coming through.
Edit: Oops. Just realised Ama said this :P
Ama, you are definitely correcting my book once it's done :P.
Well I know I learnt something by reading Ama's post, thanks :)
And with the name - yeah, gotta love hindsight + constructive criticism, thanks guys.
Awesome work WK, so glad they made you join us. :D