Try first person present tense... That's awesome!! And not at all creepy :D
12 years ago
Thu Dec 13 2012, 05:35pm
So I've thought of a few names, so I'll hand over my first 385 words, which is the 'introduction'. I'll probably need people to keep an eye on my tense, cause quite often that changes around, so if you notice anything please share. And if anything doesn't make sense, share as well. Thanks!
[ligne][/ligne]
Murder on the High Road
Richard Oakes enjoyed his solitude, something he only got once a month (at the bequest of his loving wife) and then, only if he was good. He would never take for granted what it is like to be truly alone, and out of touch with the modern world. Skyscrapers never instilled a sense of awe in Richard, what did, was something very similar, the long, tendrils of seaweed. Thanks right, seaweed. It elicited such emotion in Richard that this was his favourite place in the world, right here, under the water.
It wasn’t just the vast forests of seaweed that lure Richard to the water, the water itself is a drawcard like no other. For him the oppressive nature of water is something special. Water commands your attention, even before you delve into its depths. “Ignore the power of water at your own perilâ€, his instructor would always say, and that was something he paid heed to every month. One of the dangers of diving is getting lost in the beauty, forget where you came from for a second, and you may never see the surface again. That was why his wife kept a tight leash on her husband, but allowed him this small pleasure, lest he go looking for something else to give him a rush.
Richard couldn’t believe his luck today, the water was clear, the sun shining, and no other divers around to throw up silt to murk the waters. He didn’t hate novices, but he wished they would go dive somewhere else, this was his spot and his time, and he didn’t like people ruining it. Maybe that was why he was here just before the sun rose, to ensure he had enough time to get into the water before the sun rose too much and gave other divers the idea of joining him. He knew it was a dangerous time to be out, but it was so much better to see the forests illuminated by a sunrise, it made them even more magical.
Of course, Richard Oakes luck did run out, and his day was ruined, but not by any novices. It was by a diver of a different kind. One, who never had a hope of getting back to the surface.
His morning, was ruined by a sinking body.
[ligne][/ligne]
Another 247 words today, bringing the total up to 630 words!
Ooh! I'm liking where this is going ;D Yay for words!
At the start of your second paragraph, you've switched to present tense - 'lure'.
I also spotted a comman that should be a semi-colon, but I don't know if you want to hear about for the moment.
I'm loving it so far, Daniel. Keep it coming!
Richard sounds like a troubled sort of character (and his wife definitely wears the pants in that relationship :D). I look forward to hearing more about him; this is a very promising introduction!
There were a few corrections I would suggest as well; a couple of tense changes and couple of commas as Vestie said. Do you want them now, or do you want us to edit once your book is finished?
12 years ago
Fri Dec 14 2012, 05:09pm
Thanks guys,
I think I'll focus on writing words for now, and come to editing later. But if there are really glaring mistakes, let me know.
Speaking of editing, how is yours coming along Darga?
EDIT: I was lazy today (get the prodders ready) and I wrote nothing.... I promise to be good tomorrow!
Thanks Deb,
I wrote about 140 words yesterday, bringing my total up to nearly 800 words. I'll do some more later today, and then you'll get another snippet, though, I'm not giving you any context.
Mystic Ward
12 years ago
Mystic Ward
Twentyfamilies Gypsy
Context can come later...just give us words
Words are what you want, so words are what you shall receive....
And before you get really confused, this should hopefully make sense, and yes it is part of the same story, and yes the entire narration has changed and the tense, but just go with it, please...
[ligne][/ligne]
An old decrepit manor is just the perfect place for murder. It is deserted, away from prying eyes and far enough away that nobody will hear you scream, just like space I suppose. I wouldn’t call myself the standard murderer, but is there even such a description? I am well educated, have refined tastes and a loving family. But murder is something that comes easy to me, I guess you could say it is in my nature.
Oh I am terribly sorry, my manners must have forgotten me, let me introduce myself. My name is Hugo, and who might you be? A little shy? Don’t worry, we shall soon be well acquainted. Trust me. You have nothing to fear from me though, you’re in safe hands. These same hands, have caressed death too many times to count, but you, are safe. For now. Mwhahahahaha. Too dramatic? In my opinion you can never be melodramatic, just passionate and lively.
Now, follow me, and ignore the limbs. I’m joking of course, a murderer can have a sense of humour you know! It’s macabre? Of course it is, I did just say I was a murderer, didn’t I. Are you a bit hard of hearing? Another joke, my good friend! But seriously, watch out for any body parts, I may or may not have misplaced a few… Don’t worry, the ravens will scour them out soon enough.
Oh, I love it! Reminds me of Dexter. Are we going to be in this guy's mind the whole time? It'll be an interesting ride if we are!
Thanks Darga, but I'm not giving anything away, so I'll leave you guessing.
I've written nearly 500 words, so it is slowly piling up. And my first chapter is complete (well the first draft). Is nearly 900 words too short for a chapter? Ah well, it's my story, and I'll do what I want!
Well, if you're not giving stuff away, you'd better post more words instead :P.
And chapters can be as long as they need to be, Daniel. Whatever the story needs. (It amuses me that you have short chapters, though; I remember you writing somewhere that you generally have a lot to say, like I do :D).
Oh, and you asked earlier how my editing was going - not too bad, up to draft three. I'll do another read-through next week, I think. So far, the other two read-throughs have led to large changes in a few chapters. Hopefully in the next pass or two I'll get closer to something I'm happy with.
Ooh, I like this. I like this very much...
Chapter length is one of those annoying issues that everyone seems to have a different opinion on so my stance on it is: DO WHAT YOU WANT!
Now hurry up and kill somebody :P
Thanks guys!
I do have a lot to say, but this chapter just didn't need to be over explained.
Sian I already have killed someone (in my intro), as for more murder, that may come later.
As for words, well that hasn't progressed, yesterday I had to suddenly go out, and then today Project for Awesome on Youtube has gotten me sidetracked. And tomorrow I'm getting my wisdom teeth out, and seeing my Year 12 (well 2 subjects) results!
Alright, only the last one is a legitimate excuse, but I after my surgery, I'll get on it! Unless of course I'm in too much in pain... so we'll see
Wisdom teeth can be painful, Daniel, so don't push yourself too much! Good luck with the teeth and with the results.
Ugh, that sounds painful. I'm scared enough about braces, let alone wisdom teeth :P Good luck with your exam results!
Thanks Darga and Vestie.
Everything went well. Just a little swollen and sore.
As for the results, really, really pleased. For both Research Project and Maths Studies I got A+ with Merits! That means I get to go and get my awards at Government House next year! So happy! Now I just need to keep that up next year!
Writing will definitely take a back seat for a while
Glad you're feeling OK, Daniel, and congratulations on your results!
Thanks Darga!
Well now that my teeth are well and truly better and Christmas is out of the way for another year, it's time to get back to doing some writing. I hope everyone had an enjoyable Christmas.
I'm trying to get to 2,000 words by the end of December (which gives me a few days). I'm up to 1309 words, but my tense is all over the place. I don't even know if I want past or present, though I am set on the beginning being in the past, and I'm not sure whether I was aiming for present or past for the remainder of the story. That snippet above is in present I believe, but that was something a little different. So I'll give you a 400 word snippet, and let me know which tense it looks to be in, or at the least, which one suits it better.
[ligne][/ligne]
The phone rings, and pulls Augustus out of his trance. Any regular man would wonder who would be calling at this hour on a Sunday morning? But Augustus was used to this, after all, he was married to a detective, and murder happens at all hours, day or night. And this phone call, means that another body had been found, and it was up to his wife to find out who had murdered them. He ignored it, and let it ring. If he answered, he would just have to hand it over to his wife, and he didn’t want to have to wake her himself, the phone would rouse her. He went back to his own murderous problem.
On the other side of the house, Ms Black was waking up to the all too familiar sound of the phone. She knew what it meant, and sighed, she really had wanted a Sunday off, but ‘duty calls’.
Olivia picks up the phone, and doesn’t bother asking who is calling, it would be her partner, he always get the first call, so at least she got to sleep in a little longer than he did.
He didn’t bother with preamble. Detective Tom Pascal knew better than to try some small talk, it wasn’t his strong suit, and Olivia didn’t particularly like it, especially not at 6 AM on a Sunday.
“Liv,†he began (she really hated that nickname), “we have a real mystery on our hands this time. A nice challenge. I hope you are up for a trip to the lake, cause, we’ve had a body dumped into the water.â€
“Lovely, any witnesses?â€
“Just one, an unfortunate fellow who happened to be diving at the time, and the body actually sunk onto himâ€
“Jeez Tom, you serious?â€
“Yeah, he didn’t have a nice morning. First responders have called the dive team; they’ll be there in 10, so we’d better get a move along.â€
“On my way Tom, don’t start without me.â€
“Wouldn’t dream of it Liv!â€
Olivia grimaced, before hanging up the phone; it seems that Tom had forgotten how much she hated that name. But then again, he could be doing it to spite her. She did after all ruin his wedding. That was a day that Olivia never forgot, and she never lived that down. She still hadn’t come face to face with Tom’s wife, and that was probably a good thing. In fact, Olivia thought it to be a community service, otherwise, world war three might erupt, quite literally.
Ooh, yay! I'm glad your teeth are all feeling better :D WORDS! It looks like there is a bit of present and past tense in there; present tense at the very start and past after, but there are some switches with a few words here and there, I think.
I'm just imagining how creepy it would be to have a dead body dumped on you while diving... it would be creepy. I love how this is going, Daniel :D
Yeah, I agree with Vestie. A few switches. At the moment, I'm thinking the past is working better (the fact that you switched to it makes me think it comes more naturally to you, as well - I think you said it did, earlier, and if so may as well stick to it. I wrote a story recently which was in past tense, but I kept switching to present because that's what my book was in!)
So, what did Olivia do to ruin Tom's wedding? And Augustus is her husband, I guess? What's he stewing about, I wonder.
All very intriguing. The problem with murder mysteries like this is that we're not going to know anything for sure until the end! Me, impatient? Never :P.
Keep it coming, Daniel. All very interesting so far.
But the fun part about murder mysteries is that you get to point fingers the whole way through so, TOM DID IT! (Tom just seems like such a murderous kind of name you know :P)
And, I agree with the others and the tenses. The past tense seems to flow better for you.
Quick question: if Augustus (I love the name :D ) is married to Olivia, why do they sleep in seperate parts of the house?
And I will be shipping Liv and Tom the whole way (even if they're both married. It is very obvious that Liv ruined Tom's wedding because she is secretly in love with him :nods: )
I also note that Olivia's name is Ms Black... So perhaps a divorce is in progress?
Not sure about the Liv being in love with Tom thing; he's baiting her a lot with the use of that nickname that she hates. Pretty cruel to do that if he knows she loves her. Although not impossible, of course, but if he dislikes her that much, they'd probably have asked for a transfer so they didn't have to work together. I reckon that either she got drunk before the ceremony and threw up in the aisle before the bride could walk down (OK, I admit that COULD be because she's SECRETLY in love with him), or she called him up halfway through the ceremony about some murder that turned out to be a prank.
