Dear Dr Satan.
Yes, it is I, the worrywart Katishtka Kosoloupe. I have been fine in the last few months; I have moved into a nice red brick house in the woods, where wolvs run widly and my new husband Eril is taming them. I am afraid my late husband suddenly died of a mad irriksom foot fungus which amputated his leg and left him beridden to his bed. My evil son Clouse(who is now possesses by Johovas) ate him ravenously and hid the remains in out toilet bin for ammentities. Unfortunalely I found them whilse disposing an ammentities and found that his face had been covered with vegemite and a small bite had been taken out of his nose.
So now, I live in fear. My lovely son Clouse eyes our postman suspiciously each morning and I am afraid that he might do something drastic that he will regret.
My dear Eril has sent my dear beloved Dorothy to Dr. Evil's bording school and now I fell as she is lost to me. I am slowely merging into debt and my new husband is slowely driving me insane.
Dear DR. Satan - if there ever was a time I needed you most; it is now.
I will await your reply,
yours truly,
Katishtka Kosoloupe.
Dear No Name,
Thankyou for the souls. Be sure to collect your reciept from reception.
I was going to write a scathing letter to you in which I told you that it was impossible to catch "old age" and that you should go right back to that old lady and teach her a somewhat violent lesson for her impertinance in running into you.
However, my partner, Dr. Hoebels wandered in just a minute ago and informed me that Old Age was a rather virulent and common disease within the community, and I should insure that you quarentine youself at once. He suggests that you drink the juice of five persimmons daily and put your feet up until you can listen to loud music again without problem.
Having no experience in these matters, I suggest you take his advice.
Yours,
Dr. Satan
Dear Doctor Satan,
please send my regards and this pineapple soul to Dr Hoebels.
Unfortunately, I'm afraid I've discovered that I am going slightly sane.
Sustinaire ridiculum is scaring me, let that explain it.
HELP!
Yours Namelessly,
No Name
Miss Kosoloupe,
I fail to see the problem.
Really.
Please stop wasting my valuable time. I have souls to appropriate.
Dr. Satan
Dear No name,
Dr. Hoebels thanks you for the regards, but as he has no use for the soul, I have taken it for my own uses.
Being scared of Sustinaire Ridiculum is not a sign of increasing sanity. SR scares me too, and I can assure you that my insanity is not in question.
Cordially Yours,
Dr. Satan
Dear doctor Satan,
Over these last period of weeks I have discovered an evil looking fungi growing on my foot. It is quite squishy and sinks into the carpet whenever I walk apon it.
It is also really itchy, but I am afraid to scratch it, as there seems to be a kind of yellow liquid substance comming out of it.
Do you know what the problem it? And can you solve it?
Regards,
Kitte Finland.
Dear Dr. Satan,
As this is my first visit to you, I shall explain my history.
I was born in the Hippy Era, so got addicted to bright colours, my favourite being orange. My mother was an Albanian leprachaun (I have inherited her hat) and my father a watermelon (I got his sweetness). During my first 325 years, I lived in my mothers hat, feeding on my fathers rotting flesh. It didnt taste very good after a while, so I gave him to a friendly compost heap by the name of Darryn. Darryn and I are still in contact, and enjoy the random carrot peel or two.
I then moved in with Darryn, and this is when my problems really began. You see, living on carot, potato and other peels can lead to pranexita, which is the unfortunate desease of internal reproduction. I now have 3 hearts, 4 livers, 13 lungs and no kidneys (they got eaten my by lungs). This often causes a feeling of obscure pleasure, rather like you're being tickled. Its lovely, apart from when you're in an interview with the Head Emu, looking desperately for a job plucking and cleaning his feathers, then replacing them, and begin rolling on the floor laughing. The emu wasnt impressed. And no, I didnt get the job.
So, with my 4526 children to feed, no job, and constantly laughing, Im at my wits end. Please help.
Yours laughingly,
Leapa Grupton
and the doctor is in!!!!
heh heh heh
DISCLAIMER: Dr. Satan, as the Overlord of Hell, can be rather grumpy on occasion. You would be too, if you lived in a place that was permanently fifty degrees celsius in the shade.
Please keep this in mind when considering his responses.
Dear Doctor
I am requesting advice on a matter of extreme urgency. I woke up this morning to find that my husband has inexplicably transformed into a rather appetizing giant piece of fairy-bread. He seems very distressed about this but not nearly so much as me, I feel, for I have spent the whole morning trying to stop our two children from eating him. I'm afraid to take him outside incase he might intice others and I will be overpowered. Instead I am making him sit in the kitchen pantry so he doesn't get stale. Please tell me what i must do.
sincerly
Fran Bakerloo
Dear Fran,
Well, it rather depends on the type of fairy-bread he has become. If he is covered in dark chocolate, eviil looking sprinkles, I would suggest bringing him into my clinic in downtown Camelalot post haste. Simply put him in a large sandwich bag so that you are not overpowered by the enticing smell. I will certainly be able to fix his rather delicate condition very quickly (as long as he is still able to fix his mark on a simple piece of paper, tell me are his hands intact?)
However, if when you refer to fairy bread yopu mean that rather insipid form, with rainbow sprinkles, then let him out of the pantry, and let your children at him! Ensure that you have some alcohol handy to swab the rainbow residue from their tongues when they are finished. The loss of your husband, is of course, regrettable, but it is more important that your children learn that all things pretty and cutesy-coo must be destroyed.
Yours Sincerely,
Dr. Satan
Beat Doctor,
I have an urgent request.
My brother has decided to go to the dark chese side.This means that he does not like chese anymore,he thinks that chese is really Darth Vadar dressed in discuise and will attack him and turn him over to the Sith Chese Lord,which he does not like.
Also,his birthday is next month and I have allready ordered a giant chesecake earlier than planned,so I cant return it.
My children,Dorothy and Clouse are very fond of their uncle and want him returned to normal straight away.My brother thinks they are part of a swiss chese army who are in allience with the Sith Chese Lord and he thinks they are planning an attack on him.
He also thinks that they will send blue chese armies to kill him and now he is armed throughout day and night.
I am very scared and worried for him because he wont eat and he wont sleep.
Please,Doctor Satan,help my brother.
Regards,
Kakishtka Kosoloupe.
Dear Miss Kosoloupe,
First of all, could I please request that you use punctuation in your future missives. One space after a comma, and two after a full stop. Otherwise when you eventually end up in my domain (for bad punctuation), I will not be disposed to look kindly upon you. Not to mention the bad grades you will recieve in English, a very important subject if you wish to one day go to evil medical school like myself.
Secondly, my dear, I would not 'Beat' me. You may not like the consequences.
Now to the substance of your problem. Why is it such a bad thing that your brother has gone to the 'Dark Side'? Personally I think that the Dark Side is the best Side to be on! If he won't eat the cheesecake, that simply means that there will be more for you!
While fear of cheese ("formaphobia") is an unusual presentation, it is by no means the end of the world (trust me...I am after all, the authority). Just ensure that you have plenty of milk in the house so that your brother still gets his recommended daily intake of calcium.
As to him fearing your children, well my dear, that is hardly surprising. Most children are evil and should be feared. I'm certain that they are not part of the'Swiss Cheese Army' that your brother has created in his delusions, but they are surely plotting something nefarious. Perhaps you should lock your brother in a room so he doesn't have to look at the children. Once they are gone from his sight he will probably start eating and sleeping again. (Or he will die from malnutrition, either way the problem is solved).
And do inform your brother that Darth Vader is a fine, upstanding gentleman and not to be feared.
Yours Sincerely,
Dr. Satan
P.S Give my best to Clouse and Dorothy, and inform them that the army of Night they requested is on its way.
Draer Doctor,
I wish to say how thankfull I am of you and that you have helped me generously.
The problem about going to the dark side is because we are anti-satinists, and Clouse and Dorothy believe that if they are bad the Devil will gobble them up(they wish to thank you).
They do not like the devil, the colour red or black and now fear their uncle.
Secondly, only my brother eats chesecake, and because that is all that I can make, the children live off worms and such other anilmals.Which in my opinion,is grosteque.
About your diagnosis for my brother, are you sure it's formaphobia? I do not like that name and clouse thinks it is Satanic.
My brother loves my children very much, giving them sweaters for christmas and kicking them when they are bad. He adores them.
Though, he still thinks they are part of the swiss chese army. I do not know how to furthur convince him that they are not, he just wont listen!
My brother fears small spaces, and our house is quite small(so our cupboard is not spacious!).And I don't want to get rid of the children! I love them!
I will tell tell my brother that Darth Vadar is a nice man, but I doubt he will lisen. He is such a astubborn man!
Thank you Dr. Satan.I assure you that you have made a difference.
Regards,
Katishtka Kosoloupe.
Keeper of the Sherbet Lemons
19 years ago
Keeper of the Sherbet Lemons
Guildmember
Dearest Doctor,
My lecturer at Uni is driving me up the wall, he has locked the exits, so i cannot slip out, and he is a frightful bore. What do you think i should do about it?
From
Annoyed Uni Student
Miss Kosoloupe,
Thankyou for your kind words. Because of them I will give you another gentle reminder about your punctuation.
Rules:
One space after a comma ,
Two spaces after a full stop.
As to your comments:
You tell me that you are an anti-satanist. Might I then inquire why you have felt it necessary to ask me a question? After all I am not just a satanist, I am THE Satanist. Overlord of Hell. It's right there on the front door of the Clinic.
And my dear, far be it for me to tell someone how to parent, but I would suggest that your delightful children are not as innocent as they seem. (Please tell Clouse that I can't get a sport's car right away, but I am willing to exchange his soul for a nice red truck).
"Formaphobia" is the word for fear of cheese. I don't make up the English language Miss Kosoloupe, I merely speak it.
Really my dear, if you don't want to get rid of your children, then send your brother away. It's such a simple answer, I don't know why you continue to bother me with the problem. If he won't leave, put cyanide in his dinner. Or better still, surround him with cheese. That'll put him in a catatonic state quick smart.
Better yet, give your brother a more fiercesome weapon. That should soon solve his problem. The sooner your children learn to dodge axe-wielding maniacs the better. It's an essential life skill.
Yours
Dr. Satan
Dear Uni Student,
Set fire to the lecture theatre. Not only will you end the lecture you're currently in, you'll also hopefully destroy the venue, thus meaning that future lectures will have to be cancelled. You may also, in a marvellous piece of collateral damage, kill the lecturer, which will mean that the whole course will be cancelled!
Not to mention the chance for gratuitous violence! Good for the soul!
Don't forget the marshmallows!
Doc. Satan
Dear Doctor,
I regret to inform you I have misplaced the tablets I aquired from somewhere I'm not going to name right now. I'm not entirely sure how I managed this, what with them being larger than my house and there were nine of them... I suspect it may have been the horendous bilbies from over the road...
Anyway, the point remains I now no longer have any overly large tablets with which to refrain from swallowing. Without these, I fear I may suffer mild pyschosis, as well as possibly a terrible terrible will to do homework. Obviously, this can't be allowed.
Hoping you can find me a solution, or at least a good landscape gardner for the barren areas they left behind,
Bob.
Dear Bob,
Come and see me immediately!!! While generally I do not consider mild psychosis to be a problem requiring immediate intervention, if your psychosis causes you to do homework, then it must be corrected asap. I consider it a service to humanity.
Yours,
Dr. Satan
P.S Where in Camelalot do you reside? I wish to make contact with the horrendous bilbies. The Lady has been most recalcitrant with regards to her hedgehogs, and I can't seem to find the minion library.......
Doctor,
Would you be so kind as to provide a referral so I can take my Potaphant to the Skin Specialist - the poor dear seems to have developed severe cracking. Also, while I'm here would you mind terribly if you changed the bandage on left finger? Snail bites are so dangerous and I fear this one might be growing septic. I have of course, the soul of a mutant pineapple with legs to offer you in payment.
Yours Most Sincerely,
The Good Lady Bathmat
P.S Do feel free to pop round for a cup of tea later on. Style Magazine may wish to interview you - a creature of your intellectual profession - marvellous!
To the Good Lady Bathmat,
Please find enclosed a referral letter for your Potaphant. Be assured that Dr. Psoriasis is and excellant dermatologist, and he is very skilled in healing Yowie bites. He is, in fact, the best available in Camelalot in this GP's humble opinion.
I have asked my receptionist to make you an appointment at my clinic next Bunday at 10am, if that is suitable. Given your family history, we need to take this snail bite seriously.
Thankyou for the mutant pineapple soul. I shall put it to good use!
Dr. Satan
P.S Unfortunately I don't drink tea very often. Unless of course it is tea grown on the vast demonic plains, watered with water from the River of Death and fertilised with the remains of murderers and Baywatch fans.
If it's that sort of tea I'll see you next Saturday!
Dr. Papular Psoriasis
Harley Street
North Camelalot
Dear Dr. Psoriasis,
Re: Potaphant Bathmat
DOB: Unknown
Please review Potaphant Bathmat. This patient has come to us asking for help with regards to a crack on the dorsal aspect of the spout.
The patients FBCs, LFT's, and BUC are normal. Relevant past medical history includes a bite by an angry Yowie.
I suspect possible heat expansion in the glaze, and would be interested in your advice on management.
Thankyou for your assistance,
Dr. Satan
Dear Doctor Satan,
Two days ago I woke with a terrible burning sensation on my left eyeball, and when I looked up I spotted a spork sucking my soul and mind out. He is now threatening to make my cheesecake blue, and I kindly pointed out that my cheesecake was already blue, and he threatened to tell me to shut up....but my problem: Ficious chickens have bitten my toes, and now they are an nwordy pinkish colour, how can I return them to their usual invisible colour?
Deear Doctor,
I must admit that I am quite afraid of you, as you are quite evil.
As for my children, I understand about their evil doings.
About my brother, I did what you required of me and put food poisoning in my brother's chese.
It was quite horrible, and I had to recite seven hail mary's. I then cut off his head, as his face did scare poor Clouse and Dorothy. Though, when I turned to tie up my extra long shoelaces Clouse shot me with a paper-wasp in the bottom. I told him to revite several hail mary's, but he ran away.
Am I a bad parent?
Anyway, Clouse says that a nice red truck will do just fine. He does not really want his soul, so you can have it willfully.
On a lighter note, It is my brother's birthday soon so I will do as you say and buy him a red axe. I'm sure he will enjoy comming back from the dead to kill many people very jousously.
Thankyou, Doctor Satan,
Katishtka Kosoloupe.
Dear No Name,
Please find enclosed a sample of anti-psychotics. I'm sure that they will make your spork problem disappear immediatley! (Leaving you with a pleasant lemon aftertaste).
Your toes will settle down in time. Rest them by staying off your feet at all times, preferably with the affected toes above yur head. I highly reccomend standing on your head, if possible. If this fails to work, then removal of the affected toes with an iguana is the best course.
Yours,
Dr. Satan
Miss Kosoloupe,
Well, Dah!
Yours,
Dr. Satan
