Please tell me what you think :-" :P :)
There has to be more.
Act as if you believe
That when you look
With your own eyes
There will be something there,
For me to see.
But there is nothing,
And fear makes us cruel.
Fear of the unknown.
But yet there is nothing.
I like that. I'd move 'with your own eyes' to its own line.
thanx. that does look better ;D
:-" I wrote another poem ;D
At the end of all time,
Will it end with a bang?
Will the whole world quiver?
Will the whole world drown?
Will they know what's happening?
Will they scream?
Or will they think it's all a dream?
I like The end. It flows really well :) and Welcome to writersmerg :)
i like them, you have any more?
i have one question with The End, only the two last lines rhyme, it works but...never mind, it works how it is.
I really like The End, Jelli. :) It has a nice rhythm to it. It's short and sharp. :nod: (My poems tend to drag on for pages ~:| ;P ).
I particularly like the last two lines. I like the way that they're the only lines that rhyme - it sort of brings the poem to a close. Very neat. :nod:
This is my newest one (that I wrote while meant to be doing a film review... oops)
Sometimes you don't realize,
That what you say,
Will make me cry.
Sometimes your happiness,
Makes me want to,
I don't know why,
But sometimes I,
Break down and,
:"( :"( :"(
Avenge (this is about the storyline for the books I'm reading: The Strongbow Saga)
I will avenge you,
I know they did wrong.
Our half-brother killed you,
Because you were too strong.
You died saving me,
And now he will see,
They all will.
And so I vow,
I will avenge you.
Clearer (and this one is sort of about me) :-"
A thick mist lies about,
But ahead of me it's clearing.
My life gets brighter day by day,
Today's much better
My world is slowly getting clearer.
And soon I'm not alone in here,
There is one to share my pain,
And it's so great.
(at the end of this it doesn't feel finished, but I can't seem to make it better.)
I'd appreciate your help. :)
They are nice Jelli I really like them :D
I can just about relate to a few of them :)
Thanx guys, I appreciate the help. ;D
Leave (I just wrote this at lunchtime and haven't looked at it since ~:|)
Why do I have to leave?
I've been so happy here.
We're going to pull up roots
Everything I've ever known.
I don't want to leave,
But I have no choice.
I don't want to go.
Yeah, It's raining outside. ::)
Incessantly pouring down.
Patters down to the ground.
Trickles down my face.
Cleansing that of late.
I like them Jelli. You're good at writing poems. I like the way they are short and sharp. :D
With Cry, i think you should move the and in the second last line to the last line with cry. It just seems to flow better. That might just be me though, so feel free to ignore it if you don't like it.
Well done and welcome to writersmerge!
Watch Me Fly
Flying high up in the sky,
It's not hard,
You just have to try.
I should not be alone up here,
But I am,
There's no-one there.
I look down,
And way down below,
There you are,
I won't frown.
I see you looking up at the sky,
I see you,
Watch me fly.
I am alone.
Alone in a dark room.
Nobody to save me.
Nobody to kill me.
Alone but for the beating of my heart.
Not a sound to be heard.
Not a thing to be seen.
Day or night.
It does not matter.
Here in this dark room.
For I am alone.
Jelli, i am loving your poems. you're really good at them.
i really do enjoy reading them
keep it up :)
very nice. they all seem to flow from line to line well, and i can see that they come from your heart :)
i'd love to see more of your work if you'd like to put it up.
well done :D
Okay. This is my speech for this year.
Please tell me what you think and how I can improve it.
Tigers, the perfect hunter
Camouflage is important when you’re sneaking up on someone.
The idea is to blend in with the colours of your environment.
A tiger’s body is designed for hunting. Its stripes make this meat eater almost invisible in the long grass and among the shadows when stalking prey.
Its back legs are longer than the front, able to push the cat further during its powerful spring and pounce.
Its shoulders are heavily muscled, critical in pulling its fleeing prey down to the ground.
Its large paws have long sharp claws, all the better to snare its meal with.
The tiger’s strong jaw finishes off the job with a fierce bite.
The only time that tigers hunt in a group is when they are cubs. A female tiger and her cubs will hunt together for a while, but normally tigers hunt alone.
Tigers hunt within an area that they have staked out as their territory.
A tiger’s territory may overlap with another tiger’s, but even so, tigers will usually stay away from one another.
Every now and again tigers do meet up with other tigers. This usually happens over a kill.
If food is scarce, a tiger will fiercely defend its kill, keeping all other tigers from eating.
The exception is that a tigress shares food with her cubs.
But if food is plentiful in the area, tigers are willing to share their kills with other tigers. But the dinner guest doesn’t just dig in, he politely waits his turn.
Feasting does not begin immediately after a tiger has successfully killed his prey. Instead, the tiger drags his prey into hiding, usually into long grass or a thick of trees. There, the tiger starts eating its meal.
Usually, dinner starts at the prey’s rump.
It may take several days for a single tiger to finish eating a large animal.
Sometimes a tiger will roar to announce its kill and its willingness to share a meal.
Sometimes another tiger comes along and steals the kill.
An adult tiger is strong enough to kill a human, but even though thousands of people visit the forests where tigers live, tigers don’t attack people that often.
If a tiger does attack a human it’s because…
- The human gets too close to a tiger cub. A mother will kill to defend her cubs.
- The human takes a tiger by surprise. A scared or startled tiger can attack a human.
- The tiger makes a mistake. Some people get pounced on when they crouch down to go to the toilet. A tiger may think that the squatting human is a deer.
So tigers can be a danger. The best advice is, don’t go too close to a tiger or do anything to upset it.
::) I know. It sucks. I just hope my teacher will like it.
Jelli. Your poems and stories are all very good. One thing I like about your poems is they flow. Some other poems I read can get very confusing and not flow. One thing is.. I'm with shadowchild the queen of monsters, on this one the commas look out of place. Just a suggestion, maybe you could use punnuation on every secend or third line. Even vary it a bit (use excalamtion marks, full stops, dashed etc.) Not that I can talk about the use of punncuationa and commas. I generally overuse or misusue them.
Have you tried entering any writing competitions recently. It's worthwhile. You should enter the acrostic poems competition on Obernet. Have you submitted fanfic before. I think that's worth a shot as well.
I'm not sure about your speech because I don't know what it's for. BUt, I'm sure your teacher will like it.
I think all of your poems flow very nicely. When I write, I often imagine music that could flow along with them, and I thought the same about your poems. You are very good at delivering your messages and conveying your feelings with clear, simple words. Well done!
I think that you should have a go at songwriting!
I think you'd do very well with that!
hay on your speech about tigers, i think it is very good just as a suggestion maybe try mixing up the way you say things like in the first paragraph you use the word 'it's' a lot and i just as a suggestion maybe you could use some other words for the tiger such as they or tigers etc...
Other than that I think its really good. You have great info. Just out of curiosity how long is it supposed to be and what sort of info is it meant to contain?
Okay, here are a few new ones I wrote the other day.
Is the greatest risk,
If you dare.
We are all free
In our minds,
A free spirit.
We will never know,
What it means to be
Free, for the
Heart is always
In its cold
Nothing to be
Nothing to be
In my silent
Is a promise,
No matter what
You should never
And you know
Should be held
With you for life.
Leads to much
Oooh, my favourite is Silence! Great rhythm, wording, everything. :-}