14 years ago
Mon Aug 23 2010, 04:01am
So, here goes me trying to be an ok writer. Tell me how this looks!
Beautiful Smile
I see you coming to me,
So I come to you,
Just because,
That beautiful smile of yours.
Your face is alight,
Your eyes are shining,
And just because,
That beautiful smile of yours is too.
I smile,
And laugh out loud,
Just because,
That beautiful smile of yours is too.
You grab my hands,
And dance with me,
Just because,
You think my smile is beautiful too.
We dance for what seems the entire night,
And never stop smiling,
Just because,
We love with all our hearts.
May our love always shine through the darkest of days,
And our smiles grow brighter, with each passing glance.
How to Make a Memory
A simple hello can make a day,
A smile, too, can make a week,
Add a hug and you’ve got a month,
Give your friendship and you’ll make a lasting memory.
The one below isnt one of my favorites...
I See You There
I see you there,
Reaching for me,
But I’m too far away,
And you fall, forever wondering why I wasn’t there when you need me most.
I see you there,
Fading from my life,
Never to come back to me,
Even though I wish you would with all my heart.
I thought I saw you there,
But it’s just in my mind,
‘Cause I’m going crazy over you,
And I can’t stop myself.
I wish I saw you there,
But you’ve slipped away too fast,
And now I will never see you again,
And nothing is going to be the same.
I wish you were here to see me,
And how much I miss you,
And why I need you here with me.
Oh, how sorry I am that I let you slip from my life.
I hope to see you again,
But that hope is only there to keep me alive,
Because without it I couldn’t keep myself going.
I will never forgive myself.
Ok, thanks for all of your thoughts! I changed the words of I See You There, slightly, so it might flow better... tell me if its better or worse.
I See You There
I see you there,
Reaching out for me,
But I’m just too far away,
And you fall, to forever wonder why I wasn’t there when you need me most.
I see you there,
Fading from my life,
Never to come back to me,
Even though I wish you would with all my heart.
I thought I saw you there,
But it’s just in my mind,
‘Cause I’ve found myself going crazy over you,
And I can’t stop.
I wish I saw you there,
But you’ve slipped away too fast,
And now I will never see you again,
And nothing is ever going to be the same.
I wish you were here to see me,
And how much I miss you,
And why I need you here next to me.
Oh, how sorry I am that I let you slip from my life.
I hope to see you again,
But that hope is only there to keep me alive,
Because without it I couldn’t keep myself going.
Never will I forgive myself.
Well, here is a new one. I'm really not sure if i like it or not... i like the idea i had behind it, but i don't seem to be able to put the right words in.
A Short Life
How sad,
To have such a short life,
Cut short,
Leaving a scar on all of those you loved.
You can say forever to your love,
But you end up with barely any time.
Yet, in the end it’s just long enough,
To always remember that simple smile.
Leave your memories with those around you,
And they will keep you alive in their own thoughts.
They have kept you just long enough,
To always remember your bright smile and great love.
Alright, now i like this one, even though it is so short...
Nothing Left To Lose
Keep your head held high,
With your weapon at the ready,
Cause you can’t give up,
When there’s nothing left to lose.
Really like the retiration of 'just because' in the first one. :)

Mystic Ward
14 years ago

Mystic Ward
Twentyfamilies Gypsy
these are a good start. Try playing around with 'I see you there'. change the form and the flow to see if you like it any better.
Like Sionainm I love the repitition in the first one. Although my favourite has to be the second one. Good job. :P
I am way too tired to write anything today, woke up early this morning, like 4.... and just got home again, its now 7.... ugh
You're right about the 'short life' - it had some good lines in it, and the idea is good, but it doesn't quite reach what you're trying to do.
What struck me (for what it's worth) was the first line - putting that 'so sad' felt a bit like a judgment. Once that was there, I felt a little like you were talking at me, not to me. It just felt a bit accusing to that 'you'.
Maybe I'm reading a little too much into it, though ...
Thanks Nef, i will look into fixing that soon. More or less, i wanted it to appear as me thinking out loud, not to someone.
Alright, i like this one, i just read the first book in The Kane Chronicles, by Rick Riodan, and this came out, lol. Nothing to do with the book, but i just felt like Egyptian, i guess. ;P
A Pharaoh’s Travels
The time has come,
For the God of life,
To choose the one,
Who will serve him.
Time passes,
The child has grown,
Soon he will choose,
The one he loves.
The man is King,
With a Queen by his side,
Soon they will find,
Their son is here.
Now it is time,
The King must leave,
With his Queen by his side,
To serve another.
They are not scared,
For they will find,
The God of life’s only brother,
The God of death.
Before they enter his realm,
They look back once more,
At this Pharaoh’s travels,
Which will soon become their son’s.
Tell me what you think, please!
I quite like it Dakosha. It is simple and gets the message across. Well done. :)
14 years ago
Sun Aug 22 2010, 02:11am
Alright, heres another one, tell me if you like it... and a little help with a title for it, please?
Meeting
Prince and Princess,
Dread that day,
that day when they will meet,
and be wed without a choice.
King and Queen,
Remember that day,
that day when they met,
and fell in love at first sight.
14 years ago
Thu Apr 05 2012, 10:46am
Alright, heres one iv'e been working on for a while, and another i just did today...
Never Be the Same
I thought we were perfect,
But I didn’t notice that you were slipping away,
Until you were too far away for me to bring back.
Now it will never be the same.
I’m all alone,
Cause I was blinded by my love for you,
And I didn’t notice the loss of yours,
Now I will never be the same.
I miss you,
But you will never notice,
Cause you slipped away from me,
And I’ve found my love can never be the same.
And the one i did today:
Hope
Moved
Tell me what you think!
Your poems are quite good, Dakosha. They seem to be getting a message across through each stanza. Out of the more recent ones, I like the first part of 'Hope', and the image is good; just look at the flow.
The others are also very nice. A title suggestion for the King and Queen one above: Meeting, perhaps?
I really like them epecially the one called 'Hope'. I actually like the flow of that one.
hmmm the last line in Hope... im not sure i like it very much.... Maybe...
Hope gives us everything we could ever hope for in ourselves.
Hmmm tell me what you think of that, i kinda think i like it. :-"
Yep... Actually when I think of it I think that the last line is a bit odd. :( Maybe just try and think of another one because I reckon that it'll have to be short, concise but snappy.
hmmm
Hope gives us happiness?
Hope gives us life?
I'm really not sure what to do with it, tell me hwat u think of the ones above, though
I like the second one: 'Hope gives us life.' It's short, and fits with the rest of the stanza. :-"
I agree with Fate. Change your last line to 'Hope gives us life.' Not just because it's short but because it does sum up the message you are trying to portray. :P
I also agree with Fate and i have to say I love your poem called 'Never be the same' I can feel emotions when i read it!
Ok, so more or less, this one is about Depression. Tell me what u think of it.
Emotions run deep,
In the lives of us all,
But some of us get swept away,
In the Ocean of Feelings.
We go where the waves take us,
Up and down,
Or spinning around,
Till we don’t know which way leads to calm waters.
We get lost in the vast sea,
Full of confusion and hurt,
Until we find that one,
That pulls us out and wraps us in their arms.
By the way, thank u all for ur help! its been really encouraging to know i might be doing something right. lol
Yeah... you are doing things right. YOu don't need to be down on yourself. I really like your analogy to the waves in your latest poem.
I agree with VC, the most recent poem has really nice imagery. Your poems are really good, by the way. :)
Hmmm tell me what u think of this, please.
Nature’s Power
Sitting on the shore,
Looking out at the bright blue sea,
Letting it slowly wash over my feet,
Helps keep me calm.
The storm rolls in,
And the sea turns an angry gray,
Throwing its waves against the shore,
So hard that I must leave to watch from higher ground.
It is still beautiful, though,
As you see the power of those waves,
And watch as the lighting comes down,
And hear the roar of the thunder.
In the midst of it all,
Is a hurricane swirling on the ocean,
To unleash its fury on the land near and far,
And show off the power of Nature.
They are definately trying to include some imagery in your poems. :) When I was reading that one I really got a visual representation. Well done.
14 years ago
Sat Sep 11 2010, 08:29am
Ok, so i found this from a while back... I changed the words a bit, but i still like the idea.
Once a day she comes out to watch us,
And we have a chance to see her shine,
Cause shine she will, to all those who care to look,
Upon her and her companions.
While some go out and see her full on,
Others go out and only catch a glimpse.
If you have ever seen this lady,
Then you have seen a great goddess.
Who have you seen?