That last poem is beautiful Dakosha. I like the short lines, and the clear simplicity of the message while still being evocative.
Wow, thank you guys so much for all the feedback. You guys are awesome!!! I've got another new poem, this one seems more... playful. The title is a little misleading, sorry, but i kind of like the way it fits lol.
Annoyed
The love of a lifetime,
They say you can never find.
Well, I know this time their wrong,
It seems you’ve known that all along.
Is that why when I ran,
Across the sand,
You followed me to my door.
Well don’t you know I’m such a bore,
Hell bent on making you annoyed.
Yet you just laugh it off,
You say I’m going soft.
As you leave me with,
A swift, flaming kiss.
I can’t help but wish you’d stay for more.
Well don’t you know I’m such a bore,
Hell bent on making you annoyed.
Well I suppose you don’t care,
You just want to sit and stare,
At me.
Oh don’t you see,
I need you down deep in my core.
I’m sorry I’m such a bore,
But you just get me so annoyed.
You’re the love of a lifetime,
The one I spend my whole life trying to find.
What do you guys think? :)
I loved that. It was really poetic and had a lovely rhythm. It seemed sombre, and yet hopeful.
Makes me think of two young people just falling in love for the first time. Still a bit uneasy about admitting the relationship is deep and real, so they tease a little, and play and have some fun. It's sweet. I really like it :).
I like that they seem to be in love almost in spite of themselves. The rhythm works well.
Well, I know this time their wrong The their should they're :)
Sounds almost love/hate to me :P
Ty guys so so so so much for all the amazing comments! I'm so glad you guys like it. thanks for the grammar check, shonk, usualy i'm better at that stuff, so thanks for catching it. I've got another new poem, sweeter but sadder, also hopeful.
I Would
I see the way, you look at me,
Like I’m way out of reach.
Darling boy, why won’t you try,
To reach out to me.
Don’t you know, if you did,
I would –
Reach for you.
I see the way, you look at me,
Like I’m a plan left undone.
Please try, to draw in the lines,
Cause you’re the piece that’s missing.
Oh, don’t you know, if you did,
I would –
Fit right next to you.
Ya, I belong next to you.
I want to reach for you.
But you won’t even try.
And that hurts,
So I cry,
As I wait, ever so patiently.
Oh, I see the way,
You look at me.
Like I’ll never be yours,
But if you try, I promise I,
Will stay forever.
Oh, don’t you know,
Don’t you know,
That if you did,
I would –
Stand by your side.
Ya, I really would.
I see the way you look at me,
Like I just might be,
Reachable.
Mystic Ward
10 years ago
Mystic Ward
Twentyfamilies Gypsy
lol, I kept thinking 'don't wait for him to do it girl. grab on and hold tight.'
I like that it ended on a positive note.
Oh, can I just say - Matthew and Andrea :D. Love it. (I am not at all romantic. NOT AT ALL.)
The Girl With Words In Her Head Pt. 2
The girl with words in her head,
No longer cries in her bed.
It’s not for the reasons she wishes,
It’s because of all the hits she had hoped would be misses.
The girl with words in her head,
Only has room for all the nasty things they’ve said.
She tries to find her own words once more,
But falls beneath the weight of those who ignore.
The girl with words in her head,
Has been swallowed by lead –
She has paid the final sum,
And now all she feels is numb.
The girl with words in her head,
Wishes she didn’t feel so empty and dead.
No longer can she fight,
For she’s lost all her might.
The girl with words in her head,
Just wants to feel again,
So she can let out all these screams,
That block the way to her dreams.
A sadder version, but i'm hoping for a part 3, where she heals. Hope you guys like it.
Mystic Ward
10 years ago
Mystic Ward
Twentyfamilies Gypsy
Yes sad. looking forward to Part 3
I agree with Deb, Dakosha. You've made her situation seem quite hopeless. I think the second stanza is my favourite - it's very true that often the bad things people say are the ones you remember and mull over. Glad to know things are going to get better for her!
Thanks so much, both of you. I have the 3rd and last part mostly written up, i have yet ot decide if i'm going ot add onto it, tho, which is why i havn't posted it yet. However, i do have this one poem... The rhythm follows along to Matchbox Twenty - Put Your Hands Up, so if you have a chance to listen to it, that would be awesome. It's not needed, of course, but the songs good.
Oblivious
When I see you move,
I can’t help but follow along,
The way you sway,
Is like the ocean tide,
Pulling me into,
The depths in your eyes.
Dark as the abyss,
Light as the laughter you let loose,
Dreamy as the way,
The music takes control of you,
Moving you to the beat of a drum.
Now you’re dancing along,
To my favorite song,
And I feel the world spin,
I just can’t help the way I feel,
You’ve got me following,
Every step you make –
How can you be so oblivious?
What do you think? Different? Hope you like it!
I really like this poem. Even without the song it flows well, and the imagery is beautiful. It is so sad that the relationship is only one-way.
Yeah, I love the flow of it, too and that last line is very effective!
Bah, i'm tired of life being like crap! I'm tired of being a teenager. It's like just because i am one, life has to be stupid. It all sucks.
Teenager
You grow,
You mature,
Yet it feels,
Like you lose all you ever learned.
Your ability to think expands,
But no longer can you speak these thoughts out loud.
You lose your place in life,
Stuck in between child and adult –
Like a puzzle piece,
That wasn’t made to fit in the puzzle.
Intelligent conversation,
Becomes a mere dream,
Uniqueness is lost,
In a sea of difference.
Nothing makes sense,
Nothing is right,
Yet they just watch and sigh –
And say,
She’s just being a teenager.
As they turn to you,
They smile and speak,
The only comfort you’ll ever receive,
Like it’s a carefully wrapped gift.
“Welcome to Life.â€
That is an amazing poem, Dakosha. It's been a while since I've been a teenager, but you have the truth of it. It can be a really yukky time, because you do have opinions and thoughts and feelings that should be respected, and yet are so often just patronised.
Stay strong. Thinking of you.
Mystic Guilden
10 years ago
Mystic Guilden
Mage
Your poem captures the essence of being a teenager so well Dakosha. I'm kind of surprised I made it beyond my teenage years, and it might have been a little easier if I could have composed and expressed my feelings like you did above. Nicely done :)
Mystic Ward
10 years ago
Mystic Ward
Twentyfamilies Gypsy
Very Nice Dakosha. And just think, the older you get, the more like a kid you can be. :P
10 years ago
Thu May 09 2013, 04:16am
Wow, thanks for the amazing respose, guys!! You all are awesome. Thank you so much for all the encouragment. I'm suprised the poem even sounds good!
Anyways, here's a poem. It belongs at the end of one of my story ideas, which is really cool, but it's the wrong story i've been wanting to write... oh well... i just want some time to write, well, anything more than poems, but that seems to be the only thing i have time for!!! Hope you guys like it.
A body is slowly,
Drifting down the river.
It could be him,
It could be him.
The whispers are spreading,
But they won’t reach her ears.
It must be him,
It must be him.
The tears are spilling over,
But she must never know.
It’s him,
It’s him.
He is lost in the river,
He’s not coming back to her -
The woman who’s strength,
Has saved us all.
He is lost,
And she must never know,
For if she did,
She would surely break.
No, she can’t break now,
She still holds us up,
If only because she thinks,
One day he’ll return.
A body is slowly,
Drifting down the river.
It can’t be him,
No, she can’t know it’s him.
No title, cause if you knew which book it was, it would totally ruin the surprise! (if i ever get around to finishing the book, that is... on that note, i wonder what i'll do if i change the ending? lol)
Hope you guys like it. does it seem odd because the structure changes halfway thru?
Mystic Guilden
10 years ago
Mystic Guilden
Mage
The change jarred a little for me, but I'm a bit OCD with rhythm and rhyme in poetry, doesn't meant that it's not the right rhythm for this particular poem though. The shift makes me think it moves from 'her' perspective to that of those around her. I realised upon my re-read that is incorrect, but it was how I first saw it, so the change was like a change in perspective more than just a change in structure. Long explanation short, it works and it also pricked my curiosity :)
This poem is very good but so sad. I feel so sorry for this woman who is obviously desperately hoping in vain; I can also imagine how hard it must be for everyone else knowing that they have to keep such an important thing secret from her.
I found that the change in structure wasn't jarring at all. To me, it is just a change from 'this is what we are seeing' to 'this is what it means'.
The poem works well by itself, but I can also see that it has a really interesting story behind it. Now I just need you to go and write this book so you can share it with us and I can find out more about the woman. Or, failing that, just write another poem for the story :P
Thanks so so much for the comments, guys!! I wish i could write the book, i really do, i've just been so so busy i barely have time to write the poems down before i forget them... I really do want to write...
Anyways, here is the poem i promised a while ago -
The Girl With Words in Her Head Pt.3
I have found a safe place,
Alone at night in my bed,
I no longer see their faces,
Taunting me with all the words they said.
Once more I can feel,
I can scream and dream again,
For I believe that I have healed,
And I am glad that this is where my life has led.
I know I’ll fall down one day,
So far down that I’ll wish I was dead,
But in the end I’ll be okay,
Because I’ll always be - the girl with words in her head.
How does it sound? do you think it sounds ok ending on that note? Hope you all like it!!
Mystic Ward
10 years ago
Mystic Ward
Twentyfamilies Gypsy
I thought it might be a bit more upbeat when you were talking about it. But I like how it turned out. A bit of fear mixed in with the hope.
The first one was really mournful, Dakosha. I loved that sense of dread behind it... That this woman has obviously lost someone she cares for very much, and she doesn't know it and it's going to break her if she does learn. Very powerful. And I didn't have an issue with the structure change, either. The first part made me think of giant bells tolling and proclamations being read out (ha ha, I am weird!), and then the rest of it was more intimate, and I think it worked.
And definitely the third part of the Girl with Words in her Head is not upbeat, but it does actually speak of a strength she's found. That she knows there will be good days and bad days, but she's found some way of getting herself through the horrible times to a place of stability again. I liked it.