Thank you everyone, especially Shadowchild, I think I have an idea of how this will work, now.
I hadn't thought of starting it quite that far into the story, but I think that is exactly what I need to do, because the moment I read that thought, a whole bunch of other stuff clicked into place so :D
14 years ago
Thu Aug 27 2009, 01:51pm
*dpm: sorry* This is just some randomness I wrote up a few moments ago for no reason and thought I'd share with you all. As usual, any feedback is more than welcome so please don't hesitate.
Morning has not yet reached the bottom of the canyon. Above, the sky is stiped with pinks and golds, but the stars can still be glimpsed through the periwinkle clouds. A bat screeches, its wings flapping loudly as it flies along the canyon wall, up to where the dawn streaks across the open plains. The bat falters and flees from the light, back to the darkness of the crevasse.
Above, on the prairies, buffalo stir as the light hits them. Rolling to their feet, they feast on dew and grass. Their soft grunts and their rhythmic chewing are like percussion to the bird calls. Sparrows and Pipits flute to the deeper oboes of the magpies and the trumpets of the geese. The symphony rolls across the plains, conducted by the dawn.
When the light hits the brink of the canyon, the shadows there flee as quickly as the bat, falling deeper, seeking refuge between the feet of the rocky walls, though it will not be long before the sun find them there, too. But even as the shadows and their denizens run to the safety of their nests and caves, the groundhogs and prairie dogs and gophers and all the other burrowing animals start to peek out of their holes, peering cautiously through the grasses at the great buffalo, standing serenely, great black silhouettes between the yellow-green grass and the yellow-pink sky. Cautiously, the burrowers creep out onto the plains, dart towards the buffalo, and hide beneath their massive bulk.
A crashing symbol breaks the peaceful overture, and a hawk takes flight in triumph, an unlucky burrower clutched in one talon. Some of its fellows watch the hawk carry it away. They watch the skies for other predators, half of them on the alert while the other half busily munches on breakfast. The buffalo don’t even stir.
And life goes on.
14 years ago
Sat Oct 31 2009, 11:52pm
Thank you Sionainn :D I <3 long sentences ~:|
I first posted this as a fanfic, but it wouldn't leave me alone. The style is something new for me, begun as a pair of paragraphs written with a magnetic poetry set on my cousin's fridge. I think it might be a bit heavy on the adjectives and adverbs, but at the same time I think it might somehow work (as a shorter piece... too much of this would drive a person crazy) but of course, my opinion is biased, since I'm the one who wrote it, so I thought I might post it here, too, to see what less-biased people think. Is it so adjective-heavy that it gets annoying? Or is it short enough that it is okay? Any comments are appreciated, even notes or observations that have nothing to do with this particular querry.
[ligne][/ligne]
Picture of a Scream
Perspective: Cassy Duprey, before the Great White
Disclaimer: Obernewtyn characters/plots/settings belong to Isobelle Carmody, this is for entertainment and writing improvement exercise only.
I trudge through the sordid eternity of repulsive black winters and elaborate white storms: powerful skies manipulated by a lazy sleep. Rain falls from a waxing moon, smearing lakes into the sea. Together, they flood the aching rust away, preparing for the warmer days of spring, when delicate pink petals will lie upon the forest’s breast and purple rocks will scatter across the deadness: an illusion made to mask the horrifying emptiness.
It is the picture of a scream, moaning like a whisper through shadowy water, pounding in the enormous void, as sad and gorgeous as a moment not yet gone but felt with bitter love. An ugly road to placidly follow; tripping after smooth, essential death; drunk and crying for a thousand sweet and luscious summers crushed beneath the languid vision of a delirious dream.
The first of the unspeakable horrors. The madness of boiled iron: the force that melted Will into Terror and smote scars across the breast of the world.
A woman, a girl. Strong and fragile all at once. She is the embodiment of promised truth, the incarnation of impossible hope. There is no majesty more prevalent than she who will rise from the taint of our mistakes, inspire the land with hate, and yet deliver them from the last of the great threats, long since passed from the memories of those who would destroy her, long since forgotten by the naieve survivors of the first desolation.
A man, a boy. Twisted and cunning in his way. He is the white shadow that walks behind her, the angelic façade of malevolent greed. Her stumbling footprints are his certain footsteps. Her agony is his strength. Her uncertainty, his window. He will bring crooked power to the powerful and selective knowledge to the corrupt. His secrets will be shared with none for he walks in solitude, and would cruelly sacrifice even the most useful of innocent pawns for a power he cannot control; for the omnipotent means to at last shatter the cracked and bleeding earth into the final fragments of life.
I wrench away from the squalid promise, the restless madness of the trying things to come. I weep with hopeless discard, and my tears could fill the morbid wounds of the world that I have seen. The revulsion, greed, and bleak necessity rob the sunshine of his diamond show, as if it is only incubated light, as red as the bloody blackness to come.
The hope is all on Her. A girl. Confused and afraid… but not alone. Only He is alone. His isolation is her might. Her love, his despair.
Mystic Ward
14 years ago
Mystic Ward
Twentyfamilies Gypsy
Oh I like. Very powerful visually. Check for typos but great piece.
Spelt niave wrong but that's the only error I could pick up on :)
Really love this style though, like Deb said very powerful imagery and symbolism.
I agree with what the others have said, very powerful imagery. I think powerful is a fantastic way to describe it in general. It's very dramatic and deep. I think the adjectives are what give the piece that effect. Do you think you'll add more and possibly make a short story, or just leave it at that?
14 years ago
Wed Sep 02 2009, 09:12pm
I really like your fanfic/writing exercise. I think you have a lovely writing style, with a real grasp of language and visual effect. I especially like the sound of the words - even when the meaning is difficult to understand, the cadence of the language flows beautifully.
The imagery is gorgeous: lush and well-described. It does perhaps border on purple prose at times, though. Difficult as it might be, I would recommend going through the work and sacrificing parts of the description you really don't feel are necessary. I love to indulge in lengthy descriptions, myself, so I don't particularly encourage a "the sparser the better" approach with writing style, but in this context I think sparser description might actually better suit the themes of emptiness and bareness. Just a thought, though - it's still lovely as it is; I'd just be wary of overkill.
In places it strikes me as slightly melodramatic, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. Overuse of melodrama can seem amateur, but when it's self-aware and used for effect, or even unintentional but sparing, it can be a clever technique in itself.
With both melodrama and imagery, I'd advise you to be careful of overuse - they can be effective in small doses, but overwhelming when used consistently, especially in longer pieces. However, your own comments show that you're aware of this, so I'm probably warning you against things you're already on the lookout for. And this is a short, descriptive piece without dialogue, so the focus on language and description does suit.
These are just some initial, personal thoughts - use, ignore, agree, or disagree with them as you wish! I hope I've been some help, though. I think it's a very good sample of writing, and I love the atmosphere. :)
Dreamweavers' Guilden
14 years ago
Dreamweavers' Guilden
Rebel
Hey Ama! thought you would like to know that those books I was talking about back at the very beginning of this thread are by Felicity Pulman and the series is called 'Shalott'. She has also written a series called 'the Janna Mysteries' which is also a great set of books if you are into medievil writing :) thought you just might like to know! enjoy and keep on writing I'm loving it ;D
Sorry Shadowchild, I didn't mean to imply that I have anything against bats. I like them. And their wings DO make noise in certain places; I went splunking once and we could hear them: the wings create currents in the air that bounce off the cave walls. I will try to re-word the rest of it, though. I never meant to imply that the bat was evil, just that it realized it was bedtime and wanted to get there quickly.
owls have three times the hearing of humans so when the bats wings make noise it means the owls can hear them, well i supose i mean lots of noise because it does make at least at bit of noise, everythign has too. but i do believe you about the currents but it isn't actually the bats wings just the current of air that was made by the wings.
what i like listening for is for their high pitchd pinging noise (echolocation (sp?)) there is only one type of bat that humans can hear and we get alot of them around our house. ;D
After reading Sionainn's latest 'get motivated' tactic, I've decided to steal her idea XP
I have one project that I've actually done reasearch for and I think I've got it down to a point where I could actually start writing, but instead I just keep doing more research, and the more research I do, the more backstory I want to include in the novel, but it's not supposed to be one of those gritting, ridiculouly long historical novels, so I need to stop reading and get writing.
I finish my job contract (hopefully) next week or so, and then I plan to devote a great deal of time to just writing, writing, writing, but I expect I'll get sidetraked. If I can just stick to it, I expect I can get a first draft done by the end of winter.
So, to those ends, I'd like to ask my fellow Oberneters to do what they can to keep me on the straight and narrow. If you wouldn't mind poking me once and a while to make sure I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, that would be most appreciated.
Mystic Ward
14 years ago
Mystic Ward
Twentyfamilies Gypsy
[act]Pokes Ama...[/act] are you sure you wouldn't like us to kick you as well? It's a great way to keep our boots nice and shiny. :P good luck with the writing.
Well now go change the title of the thread to 'POKE ME' :P until you finish your project, or get as much as you want done. No hiding your goal away so not many can notice and not poke you enough!
[act]pokes Ama with spork[/act]
lol, Sionainn, you are so demanding XP
*runs away from spork, right to MS word*
ah i am having so much trouble with motivation atm aswell, even though i have heaps of free time, I still manage to fill it with stuff that isnt writing. perhaps you can post/ pm stuff as you write it so people can give you feedbackk/ encouragement? write or die might help you aswell. I have also been reading this girl called Limyaael's rants on fantsy writing, though they might help you to procrastinate. heres the link anyway.http://www.livejournal.com/tools/memories.bml?user=limyaael&keyword=Limyaael%27s+Fantasy+Rants&filter=al
14 years ago
Fri Dec 04 2009, 09:34am
Thanks Miky!
And on the note of posting stuff, here's something that has nothing to do with anything. I wrote it at work while waiting for the scanner to scan a bunch of stuff and send it to my e-mail so I could edit it. I think it needs a stanza at the end, but I didn't get a chance to finish and now I can't remember what my thoughts on it were, so....
Flowers budding in the garden,
Soft pink and yellow and blue.
Spring wind blowing in the meadow,
Rich with the smell of you.
Sunshine glowing in the morning,
Pale pink and yellow and blue.
Summer blazing in the daylight,
Warm with the touch of you.
Raindrops falling in the courtyard,
Light grey and purple and blue.
Fall leaves drifting in the breezes,
Tuned to the sound of you.
Moonlight shining in the shadows,
Calm white and yellow and blue.
Winter settling on the forest
Crisp with the taste of you.
Poetry isn't really my strong point, but I thought I'd post it anyway :-/
And now, I have three hours 'til class and I've done all my readings, which means I can now go and work on productive writing :D (Or look at Miky's rants and procrastinate... we'll see which one wins out.)
Mystic Ward
14 years ago
Mystic Ward
Twentyfamilies Gypsy
I like it Ama and I think that adding to it would take away from the fou seasons unless you add a 'year with you' type of thing...
I presume that hining in the first line of the last stanza is suposed to be hiding?
Oops - Shining, actually, but not a bad guess. I've fixed that now. Thanks Deb :)
I really like it Ama! I actually really like Deb's idea of a "year without you" stanza, but I don't think another stanza is necessary.
I have no expertise or even understanding of poetry [strike]despite studying it for two years[/strike] so I can't say much other on it than I liked it, especially all the repetition of 'blue'. :P
14 years ago
Tue Dec 15 2009, 05:15pm
I've actually done some work on my writing today :D (I mean... I studied for my exams. That's what I did. Really. |:| )
I originally had an actual question regarding my story, as I was stuck, but as I was wording the question, the solution came to me XD
So instead, here's a little song I wrote during moonfair. It was originally going to be an Ober-Idol submission, but I ended up doing Sound of Silence and Part of Your World instead (the latter because it simply had to be done :nod: ) Anyway, because I'm procrastinating I thought I'd take the time to post this one here. (I either have to post it or admit it was a silly waste of time, so...)
To the tune of "World on a String" By Our Lady Peace (though in some places the rhythm/beat is a little off :-/ ):
I have the world on a string,
Though you prob'ly wouldn’t know:
I stay behind the men in charge,
So that my talents never show.
Sometimes the others hesitate,
And sometimes they let it slide,
‘Cause they fear the thing that I’ll become
If they speak against my side.
When you’re down on your knees,
And you’re sore and you’re week (you’re bleeding)
I’ll bring you back to life.
I command everything,
To my favour you cling (No feeling)
I’ll bring you back to life
Yeah, I’ll bring you back to life.
I have the world on a string,
Though you’d never guess to see:
But the people that you answer to,
All take their orders from me.
Sometimes you want to run away,
And sometimes you want to stay,
‘Cause you know there’s something more to me
Than the whispers that you hear.
When you’re down on your knees,
And you’re sore and you’re week (you’re bleeding)
I’ll bring you back to life.
I command everything,
To my favour you cling (No feeling)
I’ll bring you back to life
Yeah, I’ll bring you back to life.
This is the world on a string
I’m in command of everything
Everything
Everything!
I see the start
I see the end
The last corruption
I see the dark
I see the light
The great destruction
I see hate
And I see fear
And the world's on a string
When you’re down on your knees,
And you’re sore and you’re week (you’re bleeding)
I’ll bring you back to life.
I command everything,
To my favour you cling (No feeling)
I’ll bring you back to life.
Yeah, I'll bring you back to life.
I might bring you back to life!
... Bet you can't guess whose POV THIS is |;)
Mystic Ward
14 years ago
Mystic Ward
Twentyfamilies Gypsy
I love the song but no idea on POV.
one point...week should be weak.