i wrote this before i lost my creative ability. it was one of the last pieces of creative writing i wrote before that.
“STAND FAST”, cried Raine. he drew his sword half death beared its bleary face once more. “What arer you?” Demon? he thought. im no demon a familiar vioce retorted. shock im u ur shadow u cant run the longer further farther u run the stronger I grow u strong but u lack courage unsure to use strength u will runn I follow feed on u u despair…
Raine awoke to the morning air. It rained lightly. Peace and dew floated side by side and crossed paths in the morning predawn. He had had a nightmare. It was not a fantasy. His fear was too strong, too pure for it to be mere thoughtfelt.
He breathed the morning dew, deep into his lungs. He had once been lost. Not now.
He felt darkness approach him from several sides above him behind trees. He drew his sword. Spoke a word and sheathed his sword in a magical orange aura. slowly he raised his blade, breathed deep and focused. He dissolved the sheath and his sword glimmered blue.
Báiste-dubh awake. From sleep to alertness, she frowned and looked again into the deep fog. An eerie echo of darkened tainty emotion. She focused her sight, saw the damaged aura. She felt shattered honour, scattered confused hopes. Saw the strange clour that comes with dreams. their definition was not clear. What comfort could one offer to a frightened betrayed soul. One that did not trust their own awareness, their own divination of truth. A soul who slept and fled this mortal realm but still lingered here by a trickle, inaction as though inaction could halt action and her reaction. indecision and fear kept soul from decision destiny. but love and courage and friendship and trust and laughter could mend a great deal. WaRPED LOGIC would dissolve a little. it might even offer a soul as this peace enough to breath again and face the dawn. She said a silent prayer but did not interfere, she wept two tears and walked away.
umm okay, i really like this. its a nice prelude to something. i'm hooked and would love to know more. is there more?
from a grammatical english-teacherish view, its needs work. your punctuation is all over the shop, and you had a few changes in tense. i won;t give you a full critique unless you want it...
honestly, there is some really beautiful phrases that stand out - esp the bit about dew and the morning...
"Peace and dew floated side by side and crossed paths in the morning predawn"
lovely writing. it creates some strong imagery.
you should write more on this. i like it.
Firstly, did Raine and Báiste-dubh share the same dream? I'd like to know more, is it continuous? What does this dream bring to those people?
Yes, your spelling is shocking, though perhaps you rushed the writing of this story and thought it was easier. Never take the easy route, I assure you, pain is pleasure when you check for errors.
This seems to be a developing story and your writing style is quite unique. It is quite poetic and fantasy like(that was a shoking sentence in itself!) lol. I'd advise you to go over the story, re write sentences, perhaps change the person so it makes more sense and continue on.
Best of luck!
thanks.
when i wrote it i intended to write more. it sort of was a prelude to something. like the first page of a book or story. depending on how long it would ahve ended up. but for some reason i just lost my creative ability some time after that. i kno the grammer and spelling is shocking. its actually that way on purpose. i thought of fixing it. but i prefer it that way. most of the bad grammer is a guy speaking, the bold bit. and the spelling/grammer is supposed to give an impression of how he talks. when i posted it first i accidentally bolded "a familiar voice retorted." so it prob wasnt clear that it was someone talking. i'd like to know more too [img]http://s3.images.proboards.com/tongue.gif" alt=":P" border="0"/> thats all there is tho. thanks for the comments. [img]http://s3.images.proboards.com/smiley.gif" alt=":)" border="0"/>
Quote:Firstly, did Raine and Báiste-dubh share the same dream? I'd like to know more, is it continuous? What does this dream bring to those people?[/quote]
good question. they dont, although i did considering having it that way. they do meet up later and their stories connect. btw, Báiste Dubh is the Irish for black rain. For Raine's name i just added an e. i like rain [img]http://s3.images.proboards.com/tongue.gif" alt=":P" border="0"/>
That is quite creative with the names - I never knew that. Well you learn something new everyday!
I thought it was a prelude, though I wasn't sure. I think if you wasnt to continue on with the story you should rewrite it again, and leaving the spelling/grammer the way it is, if that is your desire for the story. Personally I hate errors, spelling mistakes and bad grammer, though I can understand the fact that you want it left that way for the dialogue.
Perhaps you could insert quotation marks where the bold type is to make it a little easier to recognise that someone is speaking, though it is not all that hard to figure out, as I figured out the bold was dialogue when I read over it for the second time.
I like the fact that the stories connect, this makes the entire story as a whole profficient and more readable.
I had no idea that Báiste Dubh meant black rain - though I really like that term.
BTW: In one of my stories Fallen Angel my main character is named Rain too, though without the e. Though I think the e adds personality to the character.
All the best,
Kaylan.
this is it wirth most of the grammer errors fixed. what isnt fixed is supposed to be the way it is.
“STAND FAST”, cried Raine. He drew his sword. Half death beared its bleary face once more. “What are you?”. "Demon?" he thought. "im no demon", a familiar vioce retorted. Shock. "im u. ur shadow. u cant run. the longer, further, farther u run the stronger I grow. u strong, but u lack courage. unsure to use strength. u will runn. I follow. feed on u u despair…".
Raine awoke to the morning air. It rained lightly. Peace and dew floated side by side and crossed paths in the morning predawn. He had had a nightmare. It was not a fantasy. His fear was too strong, too pure for it to be mere thoughtfelt.
He breathed the morning dew, deep into his lungs. He had once been lost. Not now.
He felt darkness approach him from several sides above him behind trees. He drew his sword. Spoke a word and sheathed his sword in a magical orange aura. Slowly, he raised his blade, breathed deep and focused. He dissolved the sheath and his sword glimmered blue.
Báiste-dubh awake. From sleep to alertness, she frowned and looked again into the deep fog. An eerie echo of darkened, tainted emotion. She focused her sight, saw the damaged aura. She felt shattered honour, scattered confused hopes. Saw the strange colour that comes with dreams. Their definition was not clear. What comfort could one offer to a frightened betrayed soul? One that did not trust their own awareness, their own divination of truth. A soul who slept and fled this mortal realm but still lingered here by a trickle, inaction as though inaction could halt action and her reaction. Indecision and fear kept soul from decision destiny. But love and courage and friendship and trust and laughter could mend a great deal. Warped logic would dissolve a little. It might even offer a soul as this peace enough to breath again and face the dawn. She said a silent prayer but did not interfere, she wept two tears and walked away.
I hate spelling mistakes and bad grammer too. Usually, I never make them if I'm writing by hand or if I do I fix them. I make typos if I'm typing but I usually fix them too. I wrote this fast so i made lots of mistakes. The Wa/RPED LOGIC bit was a typo but i thought it being written that way suited the idea of warped logic (like it was warped like the logic) so I left the mistake. When I write on the Internet I use lots of abbreviations and lowercase. I quite like lowercase.
In this story you're not supposed to know what the voice is yet. It might be a demon, or maybe he's going mad or maybe someone is messing with his mind.
Báiste is the Irish (gaelic) word for rain and dubh is the Irish word for black.
That has scrubbed up pretty well. The spelling mistakes can be avoided though, though the grammer can't.
If the reader isn't supposed to be aware that the bold writing is a voice, then maybe instead of quotation marks you could write in ittalics. That would be mush easier to distinguish what is what. [img]http://s3.images.proboards.com/wink.gif" alt=";)" border="0"/>
italics is a good idea. but i wanted it to be a monstery/monster-like so i used bold. italics seems too soft and quiet. the voice is invading and forceful. not quiet or a whisper. if it was in italics it'd probably seem more mysterious than sinister. thanks for all the suggestions, criticism and comments.
kaylanr, do u post ur stories in writersmerge aswell as ur poetry? is there somewhere i can find the Fallen Angel story so that i can read it? i like stories about angels and fallen angels. and ur poetry is great.
I have my stories in Prodders, but I haven't typed up Fallen Angel. Nearly all of my stories are on pages I'm afraid [img]http://s3.images.proboards.com/tongue.gif" alt=":P" border="0"/>
I think that bold/ittalics is a great idea to capture attention, thought it was just a little odd because i have neever seen that type of writing produced beofre.
I'm not sure if you wanted a critique of this or not, but I'm going to give it a go, in case you are planning on writing more of it.
You have a good concept; not that I know anything of your plotlines from this. You just need to make everything flow naturally. Here's a critique for you, if you're not planning on picking up the story again, sorry, because it has potential if you work at it.
Quote:“STAND FASTâ€ÂÂ, cried Raine. He drew his sword. Half death beared its bleary face once more. “What are you?â€ÂÂ. "Demon?" he thought. "im no demon", a familiar vioce retorted. Shock. "im u. ur shadow. u cant run. the longer, further, farther u run the stronger I grow. u strong, but u lack courage. unsure to use strength. u will runn. I follow. feed on u u despair…".[/quote]
I'm confused about the usage of "u" rather than "you". Why? Or the lack of carriage returns. Is it meant to be jumbled together? It makes it seem rushed, but perhaps that was the intention.
I know you said your grammar mistakes are intentional, but I'm checking on these few:
“What are you?â€ÂÂ. "Demon?" he thought.
The "." after the " marks isn't correct form. It should be;
"What are you? Demon," he thought? or "What are you? Demon?" he thought. I'm not sure which, but one of them is right...*looks hopefully to Bun*.
I'm guessing that the way you've written it is intended to be mood-setting. It sets the mood of speedy confusion in me. I know the demon/shadow is supposed to confuse Raine, but consider putting it in proper English and grammar; it'll still have it's effect, and it'll flow a lot easier.
Quote:Raine awoke to the morning air. It rained lightly. Peace and dew floated side by side and crossed paths in the morning predawn.[/quote]
This is too fragmented. You're painting a picture of peace in predawn here, but there are some conflicts in your imagery. What is the actual scene when you look out the window with Raine. Is it raining lightly, or is it quiet and peaceful, with dewdrops on the grass?
Quote:He had had a nightmare. It was not a fantasy. His fear was too strong, too pure for it to be mere thoughtfelt.[/quote]
What are you saying in "it was not a fantasy"? That he wakes and instantly *knows* that the dream was real? How often do we do this in real life? Perhaps in the initial confusion of waking, yes, we feel the dream was real, but then we realise that it *was* just a dream. If "it was not a fantasy" is saying what I think it's saying, you're cutting us off from the main character straight away, putting him in a class above the readers, where he's a special person who has real dreams. We need to be able to relate to him still, so make him human, make him realise that it *was* just a dream, despite the niggling fear. That's just a suggestion, you can take it or leave it.
I do like this sentence: "His fear was too strong, too pure for it to be mere thoughtfelt".
I think you should focus on that.
Perhaps rather than another fragmented couple of sentences in front of it, just chop it to:
"He felt fear, fear too strong, too pure for it to be mere thoughtfelt" then add something about the realisation of it being the lingering effects of the strange dream.
Make the dream a mystery to us - make us think it's just a dream of foreshadowing - don't tell us it's real to start with.
Quote:He breathed the morning dew, deep into his lungs. He had once been lost. Not now.
He felt darkness approach him from several sides above him behind trees. He drew his sword. Spoke a word and sheathed his sword in a magical orange aura. Slowly, he raised his blade, breathed deep and focused. He dissolved the sheath and his sword glimmered blue.[/quote]
"He had once been lost. Not now." <- of what relevance is this, if you're not going to elaborate? Leave it for later, when you are explaining how he was lost / what relevance that has to the character.
"approach him from several sides above him behind trees" <- too messy. Leave it at "approach him from behind the trees", or "approach him from several sides". Both seems too much.
"He drew his sword. Spoke a word and sheathed his sword in a magical orange aura." <- Fragmented again, you want it to appear as though this is a swift movement, something he's used to doing, if he's a good swordsman. Something like "He drew his sword, spoke a word." <- makes it seem more like a fluid movement. I'm not sure about the glowing orange and then glowing blue sword. Or dissolving the sheath. I'm confused as to what he's (mentally) doing here. Again, it doesn't quite "flow". I imagine the glowing sword and Raine's own movements would be so fluid that it would seem natural. So the words need to flow.
How about; "He drew his sword, spoke a word. A nimbus enveloped the sword, glittering orange, then blue as he dissolved his sheath."
Then Raine's chapter ends...just when he's about to jump into battle...?
Quote:Báiste-dubh awake.[/quote]
Awoke..?
Quote:From sleep to alertness, she frowned and looked again into the deep fog. An eerie echo of darkened, tainted emotion. She focused her sight, saw the damaged aura. She felt shattered honour, scattered confused hopes.[/quote]
"From sleep to alertness," <- I can see what you're trying to say here. The haze between sleep and wakefullness. Sleep to Alertness doesn't quite sound right...play with that a bit.
"she frowned and looked again into the deep fog" <-- looked again? How? She just woke?
"An eerie echo of darkened, tainted emotion." <- it doesn't read comfortably. If it's referring to the fog, try putting it in the same sentence, eg:
"She frowned and looked into the deep fog; an eerie echo of dark, tainted emotion."
"She focused her sight, saw the damaged aura." <- do you need to say that? We've already found out she's discovered the echo of dark, tainted emotion.
I would say she'd focus her sight before she even noticed the fog.
Quote:Saw the strange colour that comes with dreams. Their definition was not clear.[/quote]
Perhaps, "The aura resonated with the strange, undefined colours that indicated someone elses dreams."
Quote:What comfort could one offer to a frightened betrayed soul?[/quote]
What? Why is she offering anything? Does she recognise the dream?
Quote:One that did not trust their own awareness, their own divination of truth. A soul who slept and fled this mortal realm but still lingered here by a trickle, inaction as though inaction could halt action and her reaction.[/quote]
Confusing. What are you trying to say here? Write the words as simply as possible to begin with, to convey your meaning. Then elaborate on the simple explanation.
Quote:Indecision and fear kept soul from decision destiny.[/quote]
Is that meant to be "Indecision and fear kept the soul from deciding on a destiny."
Quote:But love and courage and friendship and trust and laughter could mend a great deal.[/quote]
Sentence is too long, there's no room to breath with all the "and"'s.
Quote:Warped logic would dissolve a little.[/quote]
What warped logic? Why?
Quote:It might even offer a soul as this peace enough to breath again and face the dawn.[/quote]
I'm no grammar queen but this is missing something that makes it make sense.
Try; "It might even offer a soul peace enough to breath again and face the dawn."
Quote:She said a silent prayer but did not interfere, she wept two tears and walked away.[/quote]
We've already determined it's "she" we're talking about in this sentence so all you need is'
"She said a silent prayer, wept two tears and walked away."
So to summarise, I think you're overcomplicating your structure. Perhaps try writing out exactly what you want to happen - in point form. Eg.
- Raine has a dream
- Raine wakes up
- Raine senses something
- Raine pulls out his sword.
Then
- Baiste-dubh wakes up
- Baiste-dubh sees trouble
- Baiste-dubh weighs her options and walks away sadly.
If this is what you're trying to convey, convey it as simply as possible, to start. Then add your imagery. You'll find if you structure it properly, the imagery will feel more natural.
Hope it helps!!!
Jul 6, 2006, 1:17pm[/url], Min[/url] wrote:I know you said your grammar mistakes are intentional, but I'm checking on these few:
“What are you?â€ÂÂ. "Demon?" he thought.
The "." after the " marks isn't correct form. It should be;
"What are you? Demon," he thought? or "What are you? Demon?" he thought. I'm not sure which, but one of them is right...*looks hopefully to Bun*.[/quote]
The last example is the correct one, good Min.
"What are you? Demon?" he thought.
Although I think the phrase would read better if FD were to split up the dialogue with the "he thought" in the middle, rather than the unnecessary full-stop.
ie. "What are you?" he thought. "Demon?"
While we're on it, we could perhaps find a different verb here, to complement the question mark. "Wondered" or "asked" might fit a bit better than "thought".
Thanks Bun [img]http://s3.images.proboards.com/cheesy.gif" alt=":D" border="0"/> I knew you'd be able to tell us straight away which one was right.
I like the idea of using a different verb, too. EG: "What are you?" he questioned. "Demon?"
Keeper of the Sherbet Lemons
17 years ago
Keeper of the Sherbet Lemons
Guildmember
I'm more of a fan of the "he wondered" rather than questioned... i just don't think thought quite gets it...
i'll reply properly later. right now i'm replying just to say two things.
firstly, he says (with his voice), "What are you?". Then he thinks questioningly to himself, "Demon?". That's why, in the original version I left 'Demon?' without quotation marks, so that it would be different and thus distinguishable from what he says just before he thinks "Demon?".
Secondally, i'll explain about the full stops. Technically they are incorrect and inapropraite. I put them there because of a weakness of weaknees in punctuation of the english language. I use the full stop to show that it is the end of the sentence. Actually, thinkiing about it now maybe it isnt a weakness, but i prefer using the full stops because it makes more sense to me to be explicit than to imply their presense (or perhaps more accurately to imply the end of the sentence) by virtue of the fact that a closing inverted comma directly preceeds what appears to be a new sentence. In cases of proper nouns directly proceeding thus, this can lead to ambiguity as proper nouns are capitalised but capitalisation is the main punctuative way of showing the beginning of a new sentence. Also, if you consider that a fullstop, question mark and/or exclaimation mark which occurs as the end of a quote within quotation marks (i.e. the end of the last sentence of the quote) terminates/ends the entire sentence (as opposed to just the sentence within quotation marks) what then?
btw bunne, your two corrections, "What are you? Demon?" he thought. and "What are you?" he thought. "Demon?" are missing commas that would be appropriate. They would be "What are you? Demon?", he thought. and "What are you?", he thought. "Demon?" if they were puntuated correctly.
EDIT im kindof busy at work and it looks like i will be for a while, so it'll be a while before i reply properly. fell free to reply to this post before that if u like.
Keeper of the Sherbet Lemons
17 years ago
Keeper of the Sherbet Lemons
Guildmember
Fuil, when it comes to dialogue, maybe you should look at the books you're reading? You wouldn't see "dialogue?", that's just completely ridiculous to be honest. That looks like someone has absolutely no idea how to use grammar and simply run amok throwing commas in everywhere in hopes they will get it right.
Bunly doesn't know everything about grammar, that is impossible, but she does know a fair bit more than me, and a lot more than you. You can question something she uses, for like all things in language, grammar is fluid, but to correct her with something that is just plain wrong? What books past the 1800s do you see that style of grammar? And besides, the use of netspeak in your piece doesn't give you any weight towards knowing more about grammar. It makes it look lazy.
To be perfectly honest, if you wish to post something up here, and expect critiques, mayhap you should fix your grammar or at the very least, accept the criticisms of the people posting who have far more experience than you in this matter and are willing to give their time to help you make your work just that little bit better. And if you didn't want it, and if you can't accept it, then don't give it out to the public.