Wow... I love it!!
A few small points though... where you've got the line "When armies rage in head" it sounds a little stilted and i though maybe instead of in head you could us within or in mind?? Just a suggestion please no-one pounce on me for being pretentious and demanding... ~:|
Also, i think you might mean lightning where you have "lightening"...
I really love your poems so far smuppet! please keep writing :D
thanks hun... i'm glad its helped :D
This I wrote yesterday. It was being stubborn for a while but I think this is as good as it'll get, i.e. not very.
Unvoiced
Everything is hidden
Everything is trapped
I've kidnapped my own thoughts
And they'll never see the light of day
I've got them under lock and key
I've stored them in my cranium safe
Those thoughts I never really say
Those thoughts they feel more real than me
And if the burglars pick the locks
If they pilfer thoughts and trigger alarms
It often just convinces me
To keep them under stricter guard
Oh and ended up tweaking that line so this one hopefully flows better now:
Reflections
Why are feelings so silent?
Not really tangible at all,
Only reflections on faces,
Merely expressions and rapport.
Why don't they scream and shout their fury
As static in the air?
How do they move so undetected
With armies of despair?
Why don't we see their scars
Streaking across the sky?
From face to face,
And place to place,
Colours and forces uncontained.
Why cannot we see it all
In more than bruised face reflections?
The weight of it doesn't make sense,
In gesture and in speech
Just mimicking emotions.
It does not make much sense
That raging monsters live on
Trapped in the bone caverns of our head.
How is it that anger
Does not strike as lightning?
Sending sparks across our face.
How is it that happiness
Does not give off warmth?
The loving glow of grace.
We're forced to cry reflections
In slowly falling tears
When should not this sadness cry acid?
Should not this pain shout in flames?
And grief spit blackened soot
Across the room in waves?
Awesome Smuppet!! I love Unvoiced and the changes to Reflections make it flow heaps better!
You're so good at this!!!
I couldn't seem to write anything for a while. So here is something I wrote ages ago that is somewhat appropriate:
Life
Monotony
Monotony
Monotony
Inspiration
Monotony
Monotony
Monotony
Something else I wrote a while ago:
Rubbish
Our disposable income
With pockets too big
We are sucked into their seams
The monetary mountains
The steadily growing summits
Our disposable time
With clocks but little urgency
We gamble all our moments
The hands that always move
The face that always watches
Our disposable ideals
With origami hearts
We fold in on ourselves
The paper promises
The ripping edges
Our disposable selves
With graveyards as garbage bins
We run to meet our ends
The inevitable expiry dates
The tiptoeing timelines
And finally something I wrote yesterday:
A Garden Overgrown
My memory is a hardy weed
That never seems to die
No matter how much poison
I sprinkle where it lies
It's a garden bed with flowers
That never seem to bloom
Just stinging nettles everywhere
Leaving very little room
For the vines and native plants
That used to grow so tall
But now just die as seeds
Fading where they fall
With beauty trapped in bulbs
Contently underground
The sun is never seen nor missed
Cold earth a shackle tightly bound
Mystic Ward
13 years ago
Mystic Ward
Twentyfamilies Gypsy
Nice Smuppet. I particularly like Life. How very true!
Mystic Guilden
13 years ago
Mystic Guilden
Mage
The ideas and thoughts behind Rubbish are wonderfully expressed, and quite befitting current trends. It's probably because I'm in a Gattaca, Brave New World kind of mood, but that piece resounded eerily well with me. Nice work :)
I really liked all three but especially A Garden Overgrown. :D
It reminds me of something one of my psychology lectures said about people forgetting good memories much quicker than bad ones for some reason... It reads nicely too... :D
13 years ago
Tue Nov 30 2010, 11:41pm
Oh, thanks Deb, Ariadne and Thandi. :)
Ah come to think of it Thandi I vaguely remember someone saying that in psychology too, I think. A tad ironic. Maybe psychology is a bad memory for me. Pretty much forgot all of the coursework. :P
Also, I keep completely forgetting about writing in and of itself. I just saw this thread and had a 'ohh writing, I remember you old friend' sort of moment. Weird.
I guess I shall post another poem. I wrote this one a little while ago and I don't really like it but I'm not entirely sure why.
Voyage
We're drifting on our oceans
Sailing on our seas
We're floating down our rivers
But there seems no wind to carry me
'Cause shipwrecks don't cut through water
Like newly christened vessels should
And ragged sails don't hold the wind
Like some sturdy canvas could
And as I look around
From the decks of my decay
I realise I discredit
The wind's ability
Only ever seeing storms
That batter, thrash and rage
Only feeling gusting terror
As my boat becomes my cage
And as my severed sails sink
I still remember wind as storm
Forgetting what it offers me
When a firm breeze starts to form
'Cause with the water creeping in
That gift I simply cannot see
So I find myself believing
The wind has little care for me
'Cause our oceans are really puddles
And our ships just skin and bone
But the course we plot to navigate
Will either send us mad or home
Wow smuppet, your poems are really good. My favorites would have to be Feigning Fortune, Stationary Mind and Voyage (no idea why you don't like it).
Also, on the criticism side of things, I think the first verse of Voyage has a different feel to the rest of the poem and doesn't fit so well. I must say though, for someone who writes poetry without rhyming, you are really good at it! ;D
I really liked Adversity too, perhaps you could write something else like it? Or perhaps a sequel? I mean, don't if you'd rather not; but I'm sure there are a lot of people here (myself included) who would like to hear more of Adam....
Smuppet, Voyage seems to stick a little in some places (the way i read it anyway) like with the last line of the first verse...
Also, the third line of the second verse might flow a little better if you put a 'the' in before 'wind'... Maybe...
Other than those minor things, I really like it. :D
Ah thanks for the feedback guys. Much appreciated.
Thandi, I will add in the 'the'. :P You're right it sounds much better.
Thalia, I had completely forgotten about Advercity. Evidently I haven't realised just how much I have been shying away from writing anything save poetry. That's probably the last time I actually wrote a story and that was more than 2 years ago. |facepalm| Anyway I'm not sure if I could write anything more of Adam. But that is because of a reason entirely separate.