Camelalottian Department of Messy Things and Grime
Office 3000007c, Bullant Way
Camelalot
To whom it should perchance concern,
I (to whit: The Lady, ie: Me) wish to draw to thy attention the distressing state of affairs currently enveloping the street of my residence. The Lady (to whit: me) undertook habitation of "Well-Bred Manor", which is located at Number One (1) Mongoose Lane, West Camelalot, at the conclusion of the year four (4) months past. During that period, I have been most discombobulated to discern that mine garbage has been neglected. I (to whit: The Lady) insist, in my long-winded (and therefore better) way, that this be rectified post haste, or I (to whit: myself, the Lady) shall be forced to take immediate action against thee.
I trust this epistle reaches thee promptly, and that mine threats are given the attention they (and I, to whit: me) deserve. Thee must also endeavour to remember when taking this case to those superior to thee in rank and influence, that I (eg, The Lady) am exceedingly rich, and consequently my needs ought to be attended to infinitely more promptly then the needs of the common throng.
I expect to hear from thee post haste,
The Lady (ie, Myself)
The Personification of the Theme Song From Titanic
The Millicent Broomhandle Memorial Home for Stressed-Out Minions
145 Wheelbarrow Lane
County Coughdrop, Sustinare Ridiculum
Greetings and Felicitations to thee, my most prominent and highest paid of minions.
I trust thy condition is improving exponentially as the nurses bustle around thee and feed thee mushy foods from a silver-plated spoon.
I hope thou realises, Personification, that I (to whit: The Lady), thy patient and tolerant mistress, am paying what one could be forgiven for describing as a crudload of money for thy treatment. Thy invalidation and successive convalescence could not have occured at a more inopportune time.
For some inexplicable reason, thy physicians believe that One (to whit: I, The Lady) is responsible for thy nervous breakdown. As though I (to whit: me) could be responsible for thy sudden urge to scale the walls Camelalot Castle by thy chin. The illogic of such an accusation astounds me.
And yet I must appear in the local court for evident "Mistreatment of minions. Including Malnourishment, Senseless Beatings, Denying Them Access To Bushturkeys and Making Them Do Silly Things."
However, I ascertain from my lawyers (thy mistress (to whit: myself) has enlisted a large team of lawyers, for she is, as you know, exceedingly rich), this troublesome charge will soon be refuted. In positive news, a very nice gentleman, a Mr. P. Bullant has expressed interest in the film rights.
However I digress (as all well-bred persons sometimes do) from the purpose of my communique. I (to whit: The Lady) write to hasten thy recovery, for Well-Bred Manor simply cannot do without thee. Thy fellow minions appear quite inept. The Fairy Godmother's Toothbrush appears comical in your powdered wig, and The String of Hedgehogs seem incapable of handling my personal correspondence without misplacing things. They have already failed to produce a valuable epistle from the Camelattion Department of Messy Things and Grime.
I shall take my leave,
The Lady (Thy rich and well-bred employer)
The Lady Mysterious
1 Mongoose Lane
West Camelalot
Dear The Lady,
Enclosed is a letter from your minion, The Personification of the Theme Song From Titanic.
Regards,
Gertrude Lampshade,
Matron: Millicent Broomhandle Memorial Home for Stressed-Out Minions.
ENCLOSED:
Plock plock My Lady,
Wibble!!!
Love Me
PS. WHOOPS! NO CUSTARD!!!
Keeper of the Sherbet Lemons
19 years ago
Keeper of the Sherbet Lemons
Guildmember
The Lady Mysterious
1 Mongoose Lane
West Camelalot
Dear Lady,
We have noticed over the past few months that real estate prices have jumped in the area. We are also well aware of certain newt issues surrounding the Mongoose Lane, and suggest that maybe, for your safety, you may be interested in putting your property on the market. We have a variety of mansions that may interest a Lady of your taste. Certainly they will be free of terrorising two-headed newts and bushturkeys.
We hope that if you decide to sell you will come through us. We charge a delightfully smaller fee than most Real Estate agents. A small commission of only 99.0085% of the sale price. 0.0065% smaller than most other agents.
You know it now, so sell it Right.
Thank you for your time, and we hope to be hearing from you.
sincerly,
T. O'ffeen-Osed
Realty Right
Disgruntled Neighbour
Somewhere on Moongoose Lane (the cheap end, no doubt)
West Camelalot
To the Disgruntled Neighbour on Mongoose Lane,
I'll have thee no, Sir and/or Madam, that I (to whit: The Lady) am currently, at this point in time, experiencing a dire Minion crisis. As a consequence of the convalescence of The Personification of the Theme Song From Titanic, the Queen of France's Cheeseboard is more exceptionally busy then usual and is unable to guard the Two-Headed Newt cage. If thee do not like this, I suggest thee get thy apologetic posterior to Well-Bred Manor at once to rectify my Minion crisis by replacing my (to whit: The Lady's) missing Minion. If thee are not pulling thy weight and serving those better then thee (ie. one), then thou deserve to have thy lettuces devoured post-haste.
Incidentally, as the richest and most well-bred individual currently residing in this town, or, quite possibly, the world, I feel it is incumbent upon one to point out the great impropriety of thy communique. Do thee have no respect for those richer and snootier then thee? Thee aren't one of those maladjusted communist types, are thee?
To conclude this epistle, in case thee are too ill-bred to understand a long-winded and complicated document, the summation of my (to whit: one's) comments in reply to thy complaint was, not to put too a fine a point at it, that thee should, if thee are not put to excessive trouble by doing so, kindly bog off.
Yours Snootily,
The Lady
T. O'ffeen-Osed
Realty Right
459.7 Penguin-Belly Avenue
Camelalot Hills
This epistle is addressed to thee, Mr. T. O'ffeen-Osed of the realtor "Realty Right",
Are thee implying that I (to whit: The Lady) cannot afford to pay the usual interest-rate, should One (to whit: I) suddenly lose all control of One's faculties and decide to sell One's Manor House?
Should I (to whit: One) ever feel so inclined, I shall most certainly not feel so financially restricted as to put myself to shame by utilising any but the most expensive realtor.
I find thee insulting and silly and thus shall not be sending thee a Christmas Card.
Yours Sincerely,
The Lady (To Whit: Me, not a client)
Keeper of the Sherbet Lemons
19 years ago
Keeper of the Sherbet Lemons
Guildmember
Lady Mysterious
1 Mongoose Lane
West Camelalot
Dear Lady,
I most humbly apologise for indicating that we were the realty agent for you. In the future, if you ever do decide to sell, please consider our more extravagent Realty Branch, You Can't Afford Us who will happily charge you the commission of 100% plus sale costs. It will surely put you out of pocket as only a Lady of your stature could want.
But if you do not decide to sell, i do hope the two headed newt will not dismember your corpse, nor the bushturkeys peck out your eyes. I had that happen to an uncle once, it was not very pleasent.
But who am i, as lowly as i am, to say what you do or do not like. As i cannot have the money or prestige that you have,, there is no way for me to know if a happy pass time of yours is to have bushturkeys peck out your eyes.
Most humbly yours
T. O'ffeen-Osed
Realty Right
P.S you are still on my Christmas Card list
Good Lady of Camelalot,
A friendly word from the Knight of Camelalot Castle. Prince Winblade be holding a garage sale this Bunday, with many wonderful objects up for sale. I'm told he'll be making available not five but ten vats of melted icy poles. Not only this, but he is also selling quite a few sacks of 'Narrator's Best' porridge oats, some blue lampshades and miscellaneous antelopes.
The monotreme informs me that she will there also, with hot mugs of gob meck for all browsers.
But best of all, there'll be held a Top Deck Fayre afterwards!
If ewe or any of your minions would like to come and see wot wares take your fancy, do come along to the bog behind the Castle this Bunday: just look for the haughty fellow with blonde curls ordering Cinbin around, the irascible monotreme, and the jovial knight juggling armchairs merrily.
Best Bushturkies,
Sir Gallivant of Camelalot.
P.S. Please bring cheese.
The Captain's Cabin
HMS Teapot
Berthed Upon the Coast of Ipswich Not Far From The City of Camelalot
The Day Prince Winblade Spilt Red Cordial Over The Tablecloth and Made the Head Housekeeper Extremely Cross
My Dear Lady,
How wonderful it is to see a fellow Lady of Good Breeding within the Kingdom of Camelalot! I do believe it to be one of the most splendiferous things to have occured since my beloved Potaphant coughed up that beautiful antique tea-strainer from a remote part of the world (to which I had sailed to upon my wonderful vessel, the HMS Teapot). Since I have much business to attend to, this note must be very brief but I DO so hope you shall attend Afternoon Tea with me at The Teahouse for The Most Very Rich and Important People. You should be familiar with it. You need not feel obliged to bring your minions (I hear they are currently indisposed)... the Mutant Pineapples With Legs are most attentive. Let us say next Friday on the Hour Before Prince Winblade Does Something Extremely Silly.
I shall have them brew the tea in anticipation. How lovely!
Oh my! What fun we shall have!
Most graciously,
The Good Lady Clare of Bathmat
Mr. Hercules Moncrieff, M.P.
Camelalottian House
Camelalot City
Sustinare Ridiculum
Dear Mr. Moncrieff (to whit: thee),
As the local member of parliament for West Camelalot, it is incumbent upon thee to act on behalf of thy constituents. I, (to whit: The Lady) am the richest, most well-bred and therefore most important of thy constituents, and thus, I'm sure One (to whit: I) need not remind thee, thy foremost duty as a member of parliament is to do whatsoever I ask of thee.
To this end, please ascertain the name and address of a Mr. T. O'ffeen-Osed, of the Camelalottian Realtor, Realty Right and ensure that he ceases to bother me, his social superior, with his incessant rudeness.
Thee may find it difficult to believe, as I (to whit: The Lady) did, however, this man has insisted upon giving me (to whit: One) cheek, upon two occasions, engaging in impertinent suggestions and even sarcasm, despite One's social standing.
Please have him murdered.
Your constituent (and, therefore, Mistress)
The Lady
"Well-Bred Manor", 1 Mongoose Lane, West Camelalot.
tHE GOOD sIR gALLIVANT,
cAMELALOT cASTLE
sUSTINARE rIDICULUM
dEAR sIR gALLivant
our bos the Lady told uz too right too yoo and tel yoo wot a marvlis time shee had at the garaj sail larst bunday
the Lady sez shee bort a hole 10 vatz off meltid izypolls witch shee haz pawd in to her swiming pool
shee alzo sed too apoligiz for not righting herself but shee iz sik in her bed from shok
shee sez a reel estate man was rood too her and hee was evin sarkASTIK SHEE SAYS AND NOW SHE IS SO HORIFID AT THE STATE OF THE WURLD SHEE CANOT BREETH
SHEE SEZ YOO MAY CUM ROWND FOR TEE WEN SHEE FILS BETA AND HOPS YOO INJOYD THE CHess
from the STring of hedjhogs
(hedjhog numba 83 rote thiz)
thee kaptin kaben
hms teepot
sumwere hard too spel but neer camelolot
deer mrs. kaptin teepot lady
we arr thee string of hedjhogs anthe lady told uz too say that shee wood like too hav tee with yoo at thee teehows for thee mozt rich and veri impotent peepal
shee iz reeding ova ow sholdas and saying shee iz veri intaristed in thees myutant pie naples shee says kan they spel proply and handil komplicketed corizpondants
now shee is showting at us and saying wee iz orl stewped hedjhogs wee think shee is juzt cros beecos shee hert her arm triyng too strangal hedjhod numba 83 for hiz teribal speling in a leta too SIR GaLLivent
shee says hur arm iz brokin now and numba 83 iz lukee too bee aliv
now shee sez shut up end stop righting down evrithing shee sez
luv from
the string of hedjhogs,
on beehalv of the LADY
Lady Mysterious
1 Mongoose Lane
West Camelalot
Good Lady,
I have been informed that you are attempting to take over the finest bun bakery in the whole of Camelalot, to whit, Percy Bullant's Bun Bakery. Please desist or I will have you eaten to death by a hive of bullants and all the dancing hedgehogs in the world won't be able to save you then.
Yours,
Percy Bullant.
P.S. Don't forget our special of ten iced fruit buns for the price of sixteen for this week only.
To the Householder
1 Mongoose Lane
West Camelalot
Dear Householder,
Are YOU struggling with household bills?
Finding it impossible to get a credit card from less helpful banks?
Well don't despair, help is here!!!
You have been pre-approved for a Camelalot Central Bank Credit Card!
Don't miss this EXCITING oppurtunity!
LOW interest rates*
LOW annual fee*
CONVENIENT 24/7 assistance from the friendliest** customer service operators in Camelalot!
The question is not can I afford to....It's can I afford not to!!!!!
Our friendly** customer service operators are anxiously awaiting your call!!!
ACT NOW!!!!
Yours Sincerely,
Captain Snoogal Emming CEO Camelalot Central Bank
*Prices may not be low
**Operators may not be the friendliest. In fact operators may not even be friendly. In fact, operators could be homicidal maniacs
The Lady
1 Mongoose Lane
West Camelalot
Dear Lady,
I am writing to advise you that your temporary loan of one "String of Dancing Hedgehogs" has EXPIRED.
Please return your "String of Dancing Hedgehogs" to:
The Minion Library
345 Seagull-on-the-ship St
North Camelalot
Sincerly,
Bob Down
Manager at The Minion Library
Percy Bullant
Bullant Holdings, Inc. Pty. Ltd.
Camelalot
Dear Mr. Bullant,
Please find enclosed a flesh eating virus.
Your sincerely,
The Lady.
The Lady
1 Mongoose Lane
West Camelalot
Dear Citizen of Camelalot,
Our records show that you recently sent a letter to one Percy Bullant of Bullant Holdings, Inc. Pty. Ltd. Camelalot. In accordance with laws set down by the Department of Postage and Correspondence, the mailbag containing your letter has been misdirected to the Land of Bamboozlement and will probably be unexpectantly opened by one of our own staff members who will return it posthaste, long past the projected sending time on all our information pamphlets (in adherance with Post Office Protocol 171.3a) We apologise for any inconvenience and look forward to delivering your mail in future.
Yours faithfully,
John Hermes
Customer Relations Officer
Camelalot Postal Service
Captain Snoogal Emming
CEO: Camelalot Central Bank
North-East Wouth Camelalot
Dear Sir,
Kindly desist in sending me promotional material. As a very rich and important indivdual, I (to whit: The Lady) do in fact own thy bank.
As thee may have ascertained from the information imparted above, I (to whit: The Lady) need not apply for a credit card, for the following reasons:
a. One is very rich and has cash on hand
b. If one wants a credit card, thee will give One one. Post haste.
Thy performance review shall, as usual, take place on the first Friday of the month. One (to whit: The Lady) has the red ink close at hand.
The Lady
bob down, manjer
Minyin Lybri
345 Seegulonship strit
north camalolat
Mr. Down,
hedjhogs dont wont cum bak
lady showts at uz but thinks wee kyut and sez sori then gives top dek
lady bort uz tap shoos
not cuming bak stay with lady wer tap shoos and too heded nyut
lady promis pay mor then lybri and giv two heded nyut baybis
sori
luv hedjhogs
The Lady
1 Mongoose Lane
West Camelalot
Dear Lady,
I am writing on behalf of my partially eaten employee of the postal service in the Land of Bamboozlement. Upon opening your letter to one Percy Bullant of Bullant Holdings, Inc. Pty. Ltd. (in accordance with laws set down by the Department of Postage and Correspondence) my emplyee was supprised and somewhat upset at the contents wherewithin. He would like you to know that he is not pressing charges as you are such a renoundly snooty and important person. However his small disabled child would like to ask you if her daddy will ever get better.
yours sincerly
Timothy Graves
Land of Bamboozlement postal office.
Percy Bullant
Bullant Holdings, Inc. Pty. Ltd.
Camelalot
TO BE HAND DELIVERED TO MR. BULLANT, DIRECT FROM THE HAND OF THE LADY
Dear Sir,
Sorry I ran away so quickly. Please find enclosed one flesh eating virus.
The Lady
The Lady
1 Mongoose Lane
West Camelalot
My dearest lady,
I hereby apologise forthwith for the terrible mistake made by my staff. Of course we would not normally dream of sending such an important and wealthy personage as yourself any promotional material. The offending staff, along with their friends and families have all been fired. I am confident the mistake will not be repeated.
Of course, should you require a credit card, we are happy to oblige. As you know, Camelalot Central Bank is the best bank in town, and we have the best deal on credit cards available here in Camelalot. Should your Snootyship require any banking assistance, any at all, please don't hesitate to call.
Again my most humble and sincere apologies for the terrible inconvenience. I would also like to use this opppurtunity to point out how much I love working at CCB, and to quickly mention how much my large, hungry and expensive family dearly love your Ladyship, and think you are the most wonderful, caring, and benevolant personage in Camelalot.
Yours Sincerely,
Capt. Snoogal Emming CEO CCB
The Lady
1 Mongoose Lane
West Camelalot
Dear Valued Correspondent/Mortal Enemy (circle whichever is applicable),
This is a recorded letter sent upon receipt of your cruddily wrapped package with hedgehog quills stuck in it. Unfortunately, your intended victim/recipient (circle whichever is applicable) is out at the moment, terrorising families of picnickers. Your letter/package (circle whichever is applicable) can be picked up from the doorstep where you left it at your earliest convenience. Also, it is starting to smell.
Yours,
A recorded letter.
