The Lady Mysterious
1 Mongoose Lane
West Camelalot
To the Lady,
It has come to our attention that you may have purchased some cookies recently from a woman masquerading as a Guide Leader.
We have reason to believe that these cookies may be contaminated. (Potentially with the flesh-eating virus. As you may have heard we have had several unusual incidents involving this pathogen recently).
If this is indeed the case, and you have recieved delivery of these items, please isolate them from your household and contact us immediately. We will send a forensic team to investigate.
If at all possible, do not alert the deliverer that you are aware of the contamination. This recent event is part of a string of recent criminal activity that we are trying to bring to a close. It would assist our investigation greatly, if the criminal was not tipped off that we are after her. We fear that she may flee the Kingdom.
Do not be concerned. As long as the cookies have not be consumed, you and your minions will be safe.
Anticipating your rapid response,
Seargent Vi Russ, Head of Camelalot Police Biological Warfare Division.
Dear Lady,
Please find enclosed a contract. Don't worry about reading it first, it just states that your hedgehogs are well treated.
Yours Sincerely,
Dr. Satan
General Practitioner & Overlord of Hell
The Lady Mysterious
1 Mongoose Lane
West Camelalot
LaDY MysTerIous,
We hAve in OuR poSSesSIon onE D!ck CHeny wiTH DoNUT. if YOU do NOt pay uS TEN sqUiLlion dollars BY TommorRow thingy gets it.
Yours,
UNSAvoury TIpes
The Lady Mysterious
1 Mongoose Lane
West Camelalot
Dearest Lady,
I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in love with you since Wednesday, the 30th of May 2005.
With reference to the meeting held between us on the 30th of May 2005 at 1500 hours, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover. Our love affair would be on probation for a period of no less than three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent.
Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous relationship training and relationship appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse. The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broad-minded enough, to be taken care of, on your expense account.
I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be canceled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.
Thanking you in anticipation.
Yours sincerely,
Max
35 Heart Lane
Camelot
Dear lady,
If you would deem me worthy of your notice I would like to initiate you into a cult. I have recently been ingratiated among the most splendid people imaginable. They have offered me many wonderful things on the condition I make friends with an important person such as yourself, as they are a self-funded organisation which relies on the brainwashing of many wealthy persons. I think they would let you have these things too which incidentally include immortality, peace, love and happiness, beauty, popularity, and a crippling disfigurement which alienates you from the world forcing you to become a misunderstood genius. I have so far only received the latter, which I am pleased to say has worked perfectly; it has made me so truly hideous that not even my cat will look at me. The genius part is taking a while, perhaps because I have given all my worldly possessions to the cult and am currently residing in the alleyway next to what was my house and sleeping inside a garbage bag. I can’t even afford paper but they assure me that I will soon be creating masterpieces, perhaps out of bits of garbage, I don’t know. I have never met you but rest assured I have met your mongoose, and believing in the premise that a personage in the possession of such a large and impressive mongoose must be large and/or impressive themselves and I was therefore determined to make your acquaintance. Please forgive the manner in which this message is presented to you, as I have previously stated I cannot afford paper so I had to write on my cat.
Eagerly awaiting your reply;
The ex-king of the now bankrupt kingdom of Fribble
P.S If you wish to send a reply rest assured I can be reached just send it to the ditch outside the palace of Fribble, which has recently been renamed ‘the property of a very secret society’.
P.P.S I would be very grateful if you return my cat to me, he may not look at me but he is still my friend, and I may need him again to write more messages.
A circular letter:
Dear correspondent of The Lady,
As The Lady's chief minion, I apologise profusely for the recent lapse in correspondence. Unfortunately, the Lady has been exceedingly unwell of late, and upon my return last week from the convalescent home, I found Well Bred Manor in disarray.
First of all, I would like to express my disgust with those of you professing to be a "friend" of The Lady. Not one of you appears to have bothered to check up when you failed to recieve any replies to your mail.
You people horrify and disgust even me, a lowly and humble Minion.
However, should any of you wish to continue your correspondence with my mistress, I have now unblocked the mail box, and am attempting to work through the back-log (chiefly by means of a large waste-paper basket). You may now resume correspondence, with all likelihood of my prompt response.
Apologies for the continued absence of The Lady,
The Personification of the Themesong From Titanic
Camelalot Electricity and Water
Please find enclosed a cheque for 37 000 000 000 006 colden cinbins, with my sincerest apologies. Unfortunately, my Mistress, the Home Owner is presently indisposed.
Please reconnect our electricity and water.
The Personification of the Themesong From Titanic.
PS. I apologise for the possible illegibility of my handwriting, as I am composing this note by candlelight.
Mrs. Tatiana Von Codswallop: Chief Nurse
The West Camelalot Hospital for the Well-Bred But Insane
West Camelalot
Dear Madam,
Upon admitting The Lady to your institution, you asked me to enlighten you as to the exact details of her illness, as soon as I found the time.
Having dealt with the most serious of problems here at Well Bred Manor, I feel it is now the time to give you a full account of what transpired here.
I returned last week from an extended period of residence at a home for stressed-out minions. It had been many months since I recieved any correspondence from my normally punctual Mistress. This may have helped my recovery. The home was also having difficulty contacting The Lady, who did not come to collect me. However, my newfound physical and mental health meant I had no difficulty whatsoever in making my own way back to Well Bred Manor.
Upon my return, I found that the Two Headed Newt was nowhere to be seen. This is unusual, as Flossy is usually inclined to brutally savage anyone who rings the doorbell. I let myself via the spare key buried in the asparagus patch, and entered the house. What I found is best described as a shambles.
The Fairy Godmother and her Toothbrush were shamelessly skinny-dipping in a swimming pool filled with melted icy-pole. The String of Hedgehogs I found holed up in the study, surrounded by rejected drafts of a letter to their laywer, re: the continued harrasment by a certain Lord of Darkness. Many of the Hedgehogs appeared driven mad by the legal complexities involved in "deer mr loyer".
The Queen of France's Cheeseboard was in the basement, plotting a communist rebellion with fifteen mice and a donkey called Al. I put a stop to that immediately. I also found the Miniature Model of a Scandinavian Elephant Who Sings a Line From a Popular Musical Every Second Sentence in The Lady's own bedchamber, using her DVD player to watch MGM musical productions one after the other until his ears bled.
The Lady I eventually found in the newt-pen. She was sobbing uncontrollably, muttering something about "activists" and "little better than gopher vomit". Flossy still remained elusive, although her collar was still hanging on the gate of the pen.
I found only one of my fellow Minions, the Crumpet, still attending to his duty. He was reduced to a small piece of delicious bread-product above his left leg. He explained that he had been force feeding the Lady with bits of his own crumpetty deliciousness for six months, in order to prevent her untimely demise.
The crumpet, unable to read or write, understood little about the circumstances that led to such collapse of order at Well Bred Manor, but I can assure you, such a shocking lack of breeding and order is out of character for all concerned. I immediately contacted you, after setting The Lady to bed (I ejected the Miniature Model of a Scandinavian Elephant, and his DVDs, despite his repeated cries of "Just one more Judy Garland Movie, Please? Life is a Cabaret, old chum!"
Since seeing The Lady safely into your care, I have preused the overflowing correspondence, and I enclose the relevant documents. I fear my mistresses condition may be related in some manner to the evident kidnapping of Flossy.
Please contact me as soon as possible, and let me know how The Lady is doing under your care.
Yours with deepest thanks,
The Personification of the Themesong From Titanic.
dr satan stop my friends and co-workers the hedgehogs are very upset and insane stop kindly desist your harrasment stop i have procured them the services of a lawyer stop yours comma the personification of the theme song from titanic stop
Dear Theme Song,
Kindly let the damn hogs answer for themselves!
If this appalling lack of consideration for the rights of these hedgehogs continues, I will be forced to contact the RSPCA. Or the Justice League. Or whatever else it is that deals with minion rights in this rather odd town.
Yours in indignation (dear me you do go on don't you?)
Dr. Satan
The Personification of the Theme Song from Titanic
1 Mongoose Lane
West Camelalot
Dear Theme Song,
I believe I have found your Lady's Two-Headed Newt in my backyard. She was attempting to eat my Persimmon.
What should I do with her?
Rillalola the teacosy
The Committee of Timely and Courteous Correspondence,
As explained in my previous note, The Lady is presently unwell. She will of course be happy to recite the specified saga, and I would like to thank the commitee for their generosity in allowing her to forego the decarepetition.
I will inform you as soon as The Lady is in an appropriate state of health. You may then set your own date, as is convenient, but I'm sorry to say that it is simply not possible at the present time.
Yours,
The Personification of the Themesong From Titanic
PS. I apologise for the untimeliness of this letter. I hope it's courteousness makes up for this.
Dear Dr. Satan,
As the legal representative for the String of Hedgehogs, I am writing to inform you that unless your constant harrasment of my clients ceases, formal legal action will be taken.
My clients insist that you stop sending harrasing mail to them, and to their employers. If this action does not cease, they will be forced to file a restraining order against you, in order to put an official stop to the molestation.
If you have any questions about the nature of this order, or the legal implications, then please contact myself, as my clients will not be answering any of your mail.
Yours Sincerely,
Wallace Q. Codswallop, QC
Rubbish, Bollocks, Lies and Codswallop.
Dear Miss Teacosy,
Thanking you again for your dilligence in contacting me about the Two-Headed Newt in your garden. As you know, my inspection found that the newt was not Flossy, but my somewhat incoherent employer and I wish to thank you all the same for your assistance.
Please find enclosed a basket of cookies,
Yours Sincerely,
The Personification of the Themesong From Titanic.
The Personification of the Theme Song to Titanic
Well-Bred Manor
1 Mongoose Lane
West Camelalot
Dear Theme Song,
I had the pleasure of seeing your mistress, The Lady, at the West Camelalot Hospital for Well Bred But Insane, where I am the Chief Medical Officer.
I am happy to report that her Ladyship appears to be doing well. We now have her quite settled with a combination of medications, cognitive behavioural therapy and group therapy. In addition, The Lady is reportedly thriving in our Crafting against Craziness classes. She is demonstrating quite a proficiency for knitting.
You shall also be pleased to know that The Lady is taking very successful steps towards holding a pen again. Why, just yesterday she signed a contract in front of me.
I will be sure to tell The Lady of your kind enquiry and dedication to her stable mental health. I'm certain that with your kind presence The Lady will soon be able to leave our institution and renew her snooty duties.
Yours Sincerely,
Dr. Satan
West Camelalot Hospital for the Well-Bred But Insane
P.S Pursuant to the attached contract, signed and dated by your employer, please vacate the residence known as Well Bred Manor by next weekend. At this point I shall assume control of the building and all its contents (including the string of hedgehogs).
Dear Themesong
Recently you made a legal challenge against one Dr. Satan, disputing his legal right to take possession of Well Bred Manor, the expensive and beautifully decorated home of your Mistress, The Lady.
This letter is to inform you of the court's decision. Due to the extreme mental instability of The Lady, and the lack of a witness to the signing of the contract, the court rules in favour of you and your Mistress. Dr. Satan will recieve a letter informing him that the so-called "contract" he holds has been declared void, and that any attempt to take possession of Well Bred Manor will be considered a criminal offence.
A copy of this letter has been sent to your attorney, Wallace Q. Codswallop, QC of Rubbish, Bollocks, Lies and Codswallop. Please retain this copy for your own files.
Yours Sincerely,
Justice Horace MacGillicuddy
Camelalot Court of Messy Legal Disputes
PS. My own good wishes to your Mistress, who I understand is doing very well now that she has been returned to Well Bred Manor.
My Dear Themesong,
It was such a surprise to get your letter. Of course I remember the many wonderful years I served The Lady, and I do indeed remember you! How could I forget The Lady's dearest of Minions (and of course the greatest document forger in the whole of Camelalot). And I remember Flossie of course!
I'm sorry to hear about the recent troubles suffered by The Lady, and horrified to hear that dear Flossie has been dragged into it. I advise you to watch out, though. I don't think this Dr. Satan fellow will be too happy when he figures out the house deed you sent him was a forgery. It's a tribute to your skills that he didn't discover it at once... but then, I never saw a forgery of yours that could be identified by anything less than your old University Professor (who, we all know, is now sadly dead and buried under eighty-seven billion tonnes of Earth. And he has no eyes, anyway...)
At any rate, I doubt he's going to be happy with you when he comes to collect the Manor and finds he does not, in fact, hold the deed.
I will certainly be happy to take care of Flossy for the timebeing, until this Dr. Satan fellow is taken care of. I warn you to be very careful, however. It sounds like he'll stop at nothing to get revenge on The Lady, and yourself.
As a further favour, I'm sending you some You-Know-What's to add to the security at Well-Bred Manor. Do take very good care, dearest Themesong.
And remember, Flossie is quite safe with me,
Much Love,
Your Old Friend and Colleague,
Big, Vicious, Many-Toothed, Machete-Weilding, Completely Insane, Shoot First Ask Questions Later, Zero-Tolerance, Fire-Breathing Beryl.
Dear Lady
I must urgently inform you that some young unmindfull person has stolent your letterbox! From now on your letters will be delivered through the service of evil pidgeons serving the master of Sir Killalot.
Don't ask us how we know, not that we have people spying on you, or why we care, just obey us or we will have your toilet mortgaged.
Please inform your neighbours of this new procedure, as the pidgeons tend to leave droppings on windows and steal other's mail.
Yours not very sincerly,
Walric,
Postman/Prince of the Letterworld