Keeper of the Sherbet Lemons
18 years ago
Keeper of the Sherbet Lemons
Guildmember
The Lady
1 Mongoose Lane
West Camelalot
Dearest Lady,
could we please have our frisbee back? we were playing with the next door neighbour and was kicking around his frisbee when it flew over the fence and landed in your REALLY BIG gardens. could we please please have it back? tommy tried to get it, but when he did he was eaten by a two headed newt, his funeral is tomorrow and even though there is only his shoes left to bury, we were hoping of putting his frisbee in there with him, because he liked it so much.
If it is not too much trouble
sorry to bother you.
sessiliy banks
XXXOOO
Small Disabled Child
45 Heffalump Way
Land of Bamboozlement
Dear Child,
I am given to understand that thee are suffering from a lack of legs, arms and a nose. New appendages are available, here in Camelalot, the doctors inform me, but thy parental figures lack the fiduciary capability of obtaining them.
Consequently, please accept this check for twenty-seven million (27 000 000) golden cinbins with my (to whit: One's) sincerest best wishes.
Please also find enclosed a letter of recommendation from myself (to whit: The Lady), which thy father can give to the Land of Bamboozlement facial reconstruction clinic, whom, One has been informed, will happily furnish him with a new face. They even have the capability to supply him with a flesh-eating virus resistant face- an asset to any person employed by a post-office, as I (to whit: One) am certain thee will agree.
May thee be rich, well-bred and exhibit an excellent posture.
Yours apologetically,
The Lady
Miss Sessiliy Banks
Standing by a coffin
Happy Bunny Funeral Parlour
West Camelalot
Dear Miss Banks,
Please find enclosed one frisbee.
I (to whit: The Lady) hope thy companion's burial goes according to plan and that the fudge I sent did not have too many elephants in it. The Fairy Godmother's Toothbrush is, regretably, rather enthused about utilising the flavour of elephants.
The two-headed newt sends its best wishes. One hopes she did not damage little Tommy's shoes to any serious extent. The two-headed newt appears apologetic. She is soon to produce infant newts, and as two headed newt pregnancies last twenty-seven years, she is, at this late stage, beginning to feel somewhat grumpy.
Yours newtishly,
The Lady(to whit: I)
The Lady
1 Mongoose Lane
West Camelalot
Dear Lady.
Can you believe it has been ten years since we all graduated from Camelalot High? Well, it has! And to celebrate, we are holding a reunion party at the Grand Hall* on the campus. The party starts at two crows after sundown, and I hope that we will see you there!
Yours sincerly,
A group of giggling girls who used to be cheerleaders.
*It's not really grand. We just covered the hall in streamers.
ThE LadY
1 MoNgoOsE LaNe
WESt CaMeLalOT
LaDY,
WE kNow wHErE yoU LivE.
GIve uS YouR caSh NoW anD nO OnE getS huRT.
YoUrs
We'RE Not goINg tO teLl yoU. coZ iTs a SecRET.
To the String of Hedgehogs,
c/o
The Lady Mysterious
1 Mongoose Lane
West Camelalot
My dear hedgehogs,
My name is Dr. Satan and I am a very rich and important doctor newly arrived in Camelalot. Tending to the ill and stealing their souls can become quite tiring, and I require servants to assist with the household duties.
I am given to understand that you are the best.
I was wondering if you would consider leaving the Lady to come and work for me? I will double whatever the Lady is paying you now, provide you with attractive living arrangements, and provide you with all the Top Deck you can eat. In addition, you will recieve free medical assistance (and as a member of staff your souls are safe, of course).
I'm sure you appreciate that this is a sensitive issue, so it would be in your best interests to keep our correspondence secret from the Lady. I understand she can be quite mean and snobby sometimes. I have also heard that she does quite a bit of yelling. I would never be so cruel to a loyal minion.
Yours in anticipation,
Dr. Satan
(P.S I understand you are rather partial to two-headed newt. At present I do not own one, but should you come work for me, I will certainly procure one for you. In the meantime, there are plenty of imps to play with.)
Keeper of the Sherbet Lemons
18 years ago
Keeper of the Sherbet Lemons
Guildmember
The Lady
1 Mongoose Lane
West Camelalot
To The Owner Of the House
It has come to our attention that you are in ownership of a rare two-headed newt.
If you do not hand over the newt soon so we can send it back to its native Bogallavaria, we shall proceed to egg your house while we nick about the back to capture such an endagered spieces and make sure they return home.
I can't believe you keep such a beautiful creature so far from home
You disgusting pig
You have been warned, we will give you a week to surrender the newt, and if you do not do so, we have plenty of cardboard cut outs of thingy Chaney to make sure you are forever traumatised for you revolting actions
Totally disgusted
The Organisation for Freedom for All Two Headed Newts
The Lady Mysterious1 Mongoose LaneWest Camelalot
FINAL DEMAND
Dear Lady
You still have 15,000 unpaid parking tickets on the Mongoose you park on Priory Drive. We have sent repeated demands for payment, but have had no response. We also sent bayliffs round to your house to collect payment, but unfortunately some were eaten by a giant two-headed newt. Those that weren't were assaulted by a band of hedgehogs that appear to be in your employ.
Please send payment in reply to this letter. Your current outstanding balance is ninety-three million (93 000 000) golden cinbins. Your Mongoose has been towed away (by a giant Toad), and is currently secured in the Sherrifs compound, awaiting release.
If you do not pay, the Mongoose will be sold at auction to the highest bidder, and you will be billed for all storage costs up to that time.
I thank you for a timely response
Sincerely
Captain Copper
Sherrifs Office
999 Letsbe Avenue
Central Camelot
Anonymous Syndicate
Somewhere in Camelalot, too afraid to show their sorry faces
But judging by the post-mark, near the town hall
Sustinare Ridiculum
Dear Anonymous Syndicate,
One was sitting and polishing One's badly strung, safety-catchless crossbow when One recieved thy letter.
One is most diverted.
One does however feel obligated to inform you that One's brothers, Big-Beefy-Elephant-Eating Phil and Short-Tempered-Axe-Wielding Keith are currently residing with One (and One's money), and neither of them is inclined to appreciate strange visitors.
All the best,
The Lady (to whit: One)
doctor satan stop hedgehogs cannot read and thus must ask lady to translate their correspondence stop found thy epistle most intriguing stop suggest minion library stop you will desist with enquiries stop hedgehogs not interested stop am too well bred to wish to behave in rude manner stop and yet one feels compelled stop bite me stop best wishes comma the lady stop
The Organisation for Freedom for All Two Headed Newts
Behind the Bins
Aardvark Avenue
Camelalot
Dear activists,
One would like to inquire about the cardboard cutouts of thingy Cheney in thy possession? Do thou have the one where Monsieur Cheney is consuming lemon merengue pie, as One is missing said edition from thy otherwise extensive collection?
In relation to thy comments as regards Flossy, thy would be well advised to refrain from taking any further action relating to this issue. One wishes to draw attention to the following circumstances:
a. One owns Bogallavaria in it's entirety and thus,
-i. One is empowered to simply recapture Flossy, as well as any other native fauna One desires; and
-ii. One will not let thee into the country, leaving one stranded on a boat with a pregnant newt
b. The Bogallavarian two-headed newt is a badly designed creature, naturally enjoying high temperatures and suffering from a severe allergy to wool. As the median summer temperature in Bogallavaria is -370 degrees, the newt is forced to either freeze to death or wear a highly allergenic wooly jumper. Thus, the native newts spend a significant majority of their time complaining about the weather or scratching. Removing one from it's natural habitat is not cruelty, but rather kindness.
c. If thee go anywhere near Flossy she will bite thou heads off.
Best wishes,
The Lady
Captain Copper
Sherrifs Office
999 Letsbe Avenue
Central Camelot
Dear Sir (if that is thy real name),
While One regrets the loss of thy previous epistles (which One imagines is the result of the combined difficulties of One's chief minion being ill and One's hedgehogs being demonstrably stupid), One does not appreciate thy threatening tone.
One would like to remind thee that One is a rich snot, and thus One deserves thy respect, admiration and cookies. If thee presume to insult One again by thy suggestion that One does not pay One's debt to society, One will have thee flogged by One's maiden aunts.
However, One will not press One's point as One wishes to retrieve One's mongoose. Thus, please find enclosed 93 000 000 golden cinbins.
One is, however, most deeply insulted and wishes thee ill for thy undue scorn. One is willing, and even proud to pay One's parking fines, as One is a respectable citizen and motorist.
Further, if thy light-fingered, clumsy and seedy staff have damaged One's mongoose in any way, One will take action. One remembers clearly that One's mongoose is in perfect condition, and One does not wish to see damage to the paintwork, or engine. Moreover, One expects One's mongoose has also been well fed.
With One's immense distaste,
One (to whit: The Lady)
The Lady Mysterious
1 Mongoose Lane
West Camelalot
Dearest Lady,
I am writing on behalf of my girl guide troupe. We are selling cookies in West Camelalot at present, and we were wondering if you would consent to buy a few boxes.
Of course, generally we would bring the cookies to your door to sell. Unfortunately, of the ten girls I have sent to your residence, only one has returned. And she is currently in hospital, poor love. (Catatonia is a terrible condition don't you think? The only thing the poor darling can seem to say is 'Newt').
At any rate, we would be truly grateful if you would considered patronising our humble little group.
Yours,
Mrs Owl.
The Lady Mysterious
1 Mongoose Lane
West Camelalot
Dear Lady
It has come to my attention that you were sent a Final Demand for payment, due to some overdue parking tickets. I have recieved the payment, and i apologise for any undue stress the demand notice caused. I'm sure the oversight on payment was due to your chief minion being ill (as it's unheard of for a lady of your breeding to pay your own bills), and as such, i have issued orders that you shall recieve no more parking tickets. I am glad that you are a proud and upstanding citizen, as many people we have to contact are not.
I must apologise for the final demand letter sent by Captain Copper. It is a standard letter sent out to all people who default on payment. The good Captain didn't realise exactly who the letter was being sent to, and is humbly sorry, and has sent you a large boquet of flowers as an apology.
I can assure you that your Mongoose has been well fed and looked after, and has been cleaned and serviced. I do however object to the accusation that my staff are light fingered and seedy! We only employ the brightest and best at the Sherrifs Department.
Would you like us to deliver your Mongoose, or do you wish to collect it from Sherrifs Office. If you choose the latter, we are open between 9am-5pm Monday to Friday, and 9am-12pm on Saturdays.
I hope this clears up all matters concerning said Mongoose.
Yours sincerely,
General Smith
Head Sherrif
Sherrifs Office
999 Letsbe Avenue
Central Camelot
Keeper of the Sherbet Lemons
18 years ago
Keeper of the Sherbet Lemons
Guildmember
The Lady
1 Mongoose Lane
West Camelalot
To The Owner Of the House,
You were warned
The Organisation for Freedom for All Two Headed Newts
Keeper of the Sherbet Lemons
18 years ago
Keeper of the Sherbet Lemons
Guildmember
The Lady
1 Mongoose Lane
West Camelalot
To The Lady,
As requested the invoice for our work is included.
I hope you found our work up to your standards, if not we shall surely retrun and make sure everything is to your satisfaction.
Eggs and entrails can be such a hard cleaning job, but as you can see, they were nothing to us. We hope you shall employ us in the future
From
Henry Livingsworth
"Clean-R-Us"
Keeper of the Sherbet Lemons
18 years ago
Keeper of the Sherbet Lemons
Guildmember
The Lady
1 Mongoose Lane
West Camelalot
To The Most Gracious Lady,
I hope you have been doing most well. We had not seen you around the conventions for quite some time, and some of our esteemed members were inquiring as to your health, and so i do hope you are okay.
It has recently come to our attention that you may have the thingy Chaney eating a doughnut due to some dastedly acts from rufians who should have known better.
If you do so have the said thingy Chaney, maybe you would be interested in a swap? I have recently acquired a lemon merengue eating Chaney, and i heard you were in the market.
Do hope to see you around
Most especially yours
Eldridge Eisenhower
"Collectables for those with High Noses"
The International Library of Poetry
poetry.COM: Camelalot Headquarters
May 13, 2005
VIP P6903928
The Lady
1 Mongoose Lane
West Camelalot
Dear Lady (to whit:me),
After carefully reading and discussing your poem, our Selection Committee has certified your poem as a semi-finalist in our Intenrational Open Poetry Cntext. Your poem will automatically be entere into the final competition held in May 2005. As a semi-finalist, you now have an excellent chance of winning one of 104 cash or gift prizes-- including the 1,000000.00 golden cinbins Grand Prize. You may even with the 1000,000.00 golden cinbins Annual Grand Prize! We wish you the best of luck as you compete for these prizes in the coming weeks (a complete list of prizes is enclosed).*
And that's not at all...
Lady (to whit:me),... Imagine Your Poem Featured
on a Page by Itself in a Beautiful Coffee-table Edition!
In celebration of the unique talent you have displayed, we also wish to publish your poem on its own page** in what promises to be one of the most highly regarded collections of poetry we have ever published...
]RAINDROPS UPON A SHEATHE OF WHEAT ON A SLIGHTLY STORMY DAY: GRAND POETRY BY GRAND PEOPLE[/
Raindrops Upon a Sheathe of Wheat On A Slightly Stormy Day, scheduled for publication in Summer 2005, will be a classic, coffee-table quality hardbound volume-- printed in two colours on fine-milled paper specifically designed to be as cheap as possible without looking like we've totally ripped you off look like a masterpiece. It will make a handsome addition to any library... we only wish there were fridge magnets large enough for it.
No Obligation Whatsoever
Before going any further, Lady (to whit:me),, let me make one thing clear... your poem was selected for publicaton and as a contest semi-finalist, on the basis of having gone through our computer databaseyour unique talent and artistic vision. In this regard you are under no obligation whatsoever to submoit any entry fee, any subsidy payment or to make any purhcase of any kind. Of course, many people do wish to acquire a book that features their poetic artistrywhen they discover we've kidnapped their family and are currently holding their passports and bank account details hostage . If this is the case, we welcome your order-- and guarantee your satisfaction.
SO WHAT HAPPENS NOW?
As I mentioned, your poem has automatically been advanced to the final competition --so you do not need to take further action on the contest at this time. However, regarding the publication of your poetry, you must proofread your poem, which appears on the enclosed Artist's Proof. Please creafully review your poem for typographical errors. It also verifies "A Poem of Magnificence" is your original work of art.
You must also decide whether you would like t have some personal information about yourself and your poetry in this elegant edition. You are welcome to include your motivations, the meaning poetry has in your life, the story behind your poem or your personal philosophical point of view. Your biography will be printed ona page by itself, directly across from your poem-- you will thus have two full pages in the book devoted exclusively to you*** and your artistry. And although we must charge a nominal typsetting fee for this service, you will love the results.
If you wish to order a copy of Raindrops Upon a Sheathe of Wheat On A Slightly Stormy Day, ata special prepublication discount, please return the pre-publication discount reservation.
Again, congratulations Lady (to whit: me). We feel you have a special talent. Your family will delight in your purchase of the anthology.
Sincerely,
Howard Sly,
Managing Director
P.S Lady (to whit: me), you should be genuinely proud of your accomplishment. of the thousands of poems we read each year, only a fraction can be published.**** We are pleased that "A Poem of Magnicence" will be features on a page by itself in this classic pblication.
P.P.S As a poet chosen for publication, you will also be eligible to attend The International Society of Poet's Convention and Symposium, to be held at Uncle Mortmimus's Fan Park, August 19-21 2005. Keep the date , a formal invitation will be sent to you soon.
* List not enclosed
** Along with a hundred or other sucker's poet's works
*** And a hundred or so others
**** You'd be surprised at how few people value their family's life.
The Lady Mysterious
1 Mongoose Lane
West Camelalot
To the lady,
Dear Madam, (if madam such as you could be called),
I must insist that you present my offer to your string-of-hedgehog minions post haste. It is a little difficult to believe that they would not be interested in such a generous offer by such a powerful and important personage as myself.
If the offer is not presented to the hedgehogs, I will be forced to take other steps. Minions, even hedgehog minions, possess rights, dear lady, and that means that their employer should NOT read their mail. I will be forced to approach the hedgehogs rights association, and the Minion Union.
I will also point out to you, Lady dear, that as a busy and important doctor, not to mention the overlord of hell, you really, really do not want to upset me.
Yours insincerely
Dr. Satan
Mrs Owl
Camelalottian Guides Headquarters
East Camelalot
Sustinare Ridiculum
Dear Madam,
One's sincerest apologies for the unfortunate incidences involving thy guide troop. May One recommend thee continue thy inquiries with a Mr. P Bullant, a devious and evil man, impervious to flesh eating viral strains, and known to frequent this area.
One will of course buy fifty seven (57) trillion boxes of cookies. One's minions look forward to their arrival most cheerfully.
Yours, with compliments
The Lady.
Eldridge Eisenhower
"Collectables for those with High Noses"
27f Carrot-Strangler Avenue
Camelalot Central
One's dearest Eldridge,
How are thee? One is most enraptured to hear from thee upon this occasion. One is most gratified to hear of One's fellow snotty thingys were concerned about One. One has been in comparatively good health, despite a bout of insolence-induced shock some weeks ago. However, One's Chief Minion has been unwell, resulting in One's inability to appear at all the events One would wish.
One is most intrigued to hear that thee have obtained the cardboard D!ck Cheney with the lemon meringue pie. Would thee care to join One for tea next Bunday? Thee are welcome to peruse One's collection of cardboard D!ck Cheney's (which includes the one with the doughnut) in order to facilitate a trade.
With great affection and in-breeding,
The Lady (Thy cousin, aunt and grandmother's former roomate)
Howard Sly,
Managing Director
The International Library of Poetry
poetry.COM: Camelalot Headquarters
Mr. Sly,
Please desist with thy correspondence as One's two-headed newt is hungry.
The Lady
doctor satan stop one reads the mail to one's hedgehogs at their own request stop one's hedgehogs also request that one intervene on their behalf to cease this incessant unsolicitated mail stop please check thy facts stop if thee inquires thee will discover that all minion abuse charges against one have been dropped stop one's minions like one, despite one's bad temper stop just because one inspires what is possibly undeserved devotion in one's minions is no need for thee to get snitty stop do thy minions not like thee query this is unfortunate stop perhaps thee should attempt to satisfy one's own minions before attempting to lure naive hedgehogs from others stop if thee continue thy harrasment of the string of hedgehogs one will be forced to obtain legal assistance on their behalf stop the lady stop
The Lady Mysterious
1 Mongoose Lane
West Camelalot
To the dear, kind and most generous Lady,
Please find enclosed 500 boxes of cookies and our sincere thanks. It will take some time, but we will eventually furnish you with all 57 trillion boxes.
Thankyou very much dear for your patronage of our humble organisation.
Yours most cheerfully,
Mrs. Owl