Mystic Guilden
18 years ago
Mystic Guilden
Mage
I hope I am not putting the good people of Writersmerge out by posting this.
Below is something I wrote a year or two back. I was hoping for some feed back on it, if people were willing to read it and give an honest reply. Good or not so good I'll take all opinions.
'Bright and Cheerful, by Ellen Fraser, 3/4M'
The writing hadn't changed over the years but the picture now had small blue tack stains in the corners where it was tightly held to the red backing paper. This picture presented a happier time in youth, where innocence was not thought of as naivete and unworthy of children. The fairy smiled from among the trees and flowers, expressing an inward happiness that could no longer be connected with. That time had long since passes and happiness was harder to find, with stress squashing it into irrelevance quickly, violently. At the moment when the picture was drawn innocent eyes could not find the flaws, now, eyes of experience noted every uneven line, every incomplete shape, every colour out of place.
Imagination without expectation, that's the very essence of this picture. Nothing significant needed to come from this. There were no consequences from this picture, no ripples to affect the artist later in life. Just a smile of warmth belonging to a fairy that could not feel the expression it was making. There would never be a deeper meaning to be found in the abstract shapes that represented natural objects. It was pastel on a page, pressed hard in some places and not hard enough in others, rendering the picture uneven and devoid of solidarity. Memories associated with this picture fluttered briefly, then melted away like smoke caught on a breeze. Clinging to the past seemed pointless yet there was a message in what was presented, fighting its way free of the pages confines.
Hey Ari!
I really enjoyed that. it was a beuatiful moment of reflection and revelation captured - thats why i liked it. there was no 'story' obviously ingrained, but one that could be imagined by the reader. I liked the reference to the fairy and what it symbolised to the child, but what the adult couldn't see. i thought that was a nice reference, not so much to innocence lost from childhood, but how our childhood imaginings and what we so readily believed as real could so quickly be replaced by an adult reality.
One grammatical criticism - i think your tense needs work [img]http://s4.images.proboards.com/undecided.gif" alt=":-/" border="0"/> maybe on of the more expert grammar ppl will be able to offer more advice in this department.
other than that, i really enjoyed it. Great work.
MK
Mystic Guilden
18 years ago
Thu Nov 04 2010, 07:58pm
Mystic Guilden
Mage
Thanks MK.
I was wondering if the tense 'problems' could be picked up on. I have always struggled with my tenses so thank you for noting it.
lol you have the same problem with me sometimes, though I really like that story a lot! Have you others? It's great to see a new face, well, a new name in writersmerge i mean.
It is almost like a kind of philosophy i thinka nd that's the idea that i like about it.
Kaylan
Mystic Guilden
17 years ago
Mystic Guilden
Mage
Ok, this is far from developed, but i wanted to post it. Its raw and rough around the edges but it came to me in a moment of reflection and i scribbled it down while the emotions were fresh.
This is attributed to Allison Chapman who passed away just before Christmas of 2005, due to cancer.
It was a beautiful funeral service, if one can truly call a funeral beautiful. Certainly there were tears and the aching pain of loss lodges sharply in the throats of mourners, but overshadowing the loss of a beautiful soul was the celebration of life. A life no more or less extraordinary than any other, but one that touched many people more deeply than tier choked words could express. An omen to mourners, the sun (had) illuminated a pale blue sky and a summer breeze washed over the hushed garden.
I knew she was near me, her energy prickled in the air like static electricity, un-menacing yet attention seeking.
"Why are they crying?" Her voice swims in my head, my ears hearing nothing.
"Because they are sad". I whisper to the air.
"But i am fine, I do not hurt here".
"They do not mourn for your pain but for theirs, they mourn the loss of you".
Though they are words of concern there is no burden in the tone of voice, their is only peaceful wonder. The air crackles and I know she is moving from me.
"My baby girl, my little angel."
My eyes wander to a child sitting solemnly beside her father, no tiers fill her eyes, there is no room, her sadness block them. My heart breaks for the girl who missed her mum, a child that knows but does not fully understand.
The static crackles around her tiny shrunken frame and I know her mother is beside her now. She flinches and perhaps she feels her mother near her, though there is no other indication of awareness.
Possible ending:
And now I sit among the branches of an old oak tree, watching those moving below me. Their sad energy move with ease on the drops of rain while they hurry to shelter under the white marquee where the wooden coffin sits covered by wreaths of flowers. The dark clouds draw the emotions from people as they pass below and many long for the warm kiss of the sun to warm their body and soul. I do not mind that it has rained today, on the contrary I love the rain now just as much as always, and feel it fitting for a goodbye. I see my mother among the mourners, her tier stained face worn with grief and i know that if I could feel, my emotions would flow as hers. But there is no sadness here. My energy begins to waver and I know I cannot remain much longer. I am contented to stay until my energies dissipate, when I will them move as air among the raindrops, searching for the peace I know is mine, ephemeral in life, eternal in death.
Mystic Guilden
17 years ago
Mystic Guilden
Mage
This just hit me....first poem in a long time.
If only...
If only sleep would not elude me,
Willing my lids to close.
And in my dreams I will see you,
Smiling golden beams.
If only time would not elude me,
Slipping through my hands.
Once again I would hold you,
Warming my soul.
If only joy would not elude me,
Walking hand in hand.
Hearing stories all about you,
Opening new worlds.
If only death had not found you,
Pulling you far away.
Wanting you here beside me,
Whistling your song.
Mystic Guilden
17 years ago
Mystic Guilden
Mage
These are some oldies of mine.
Beyond life
Distant bell ringing clear,
does heavens light commit me here,
in the cloudy crystal bound,
until my life's true purpose found?
What golden hues greet thy face,
in one final resting place?
What dread darkness engulfs the light?
Will it seize my life's true plight?
And whose wings will aspire,
to lift my soul ever higher?
Above the tongues of burning flame,
back to the place from whence i came.
Distant bell ringing clear,
does heavens light commit me here,
in the cloudy crystal bound,
until my life's true purpose found?
Gratitude of Fate
Heart full of wonder and awe,
of everything that lies before,
in time passed its presence felt,
the glory of the hand life dealt.
So said a humble ancient Elm,
upon which the cattle graze,
but the sand beneath the waves,
declared the poetic phrase:
Heart full of hate and spite,
fulled by the worlds aberrant might,
burning heat the fire is felt,
the pain of the hand life dealt.
Mystic Guilden
17 years ago
Mystic Guilden
Mage
Untitled
The roses crimson petals weep,
bloodied tears of poisoned sorrow,
and into loamy soil seep,
to feed the roots on its marrow.
The wild rushing rivers meet,
blackened with thoughts of dread,
the anger of both merges deep,
to feed the sea on its hatred.
Ari, Hey!
Love the poems - they are awesome! do you have more?
I really liked 'Untitled'. its gorgeous, and has so many layers of meaning, so much depth and emotion. its a scenario that could be attributed to almost any situation. Great personification! i love it! it really helps create strong imagery. Awesome!
I loved 'If Only...'
i wrote a similar sort of thing (on my thread here) - i really like the fact that we, as humans, take the time to sit around and muse over things we cannot change. i think that this kind of reflection really strengthens the whole idea of consciousness and concepts of self. excellent poem! you are great at rhyme - i stink at it!
Great stuff! Give us more!
MK
liked your story too - keep going and let us read the whole piece. it has that nice reflective gentleness to it, like the first piece you posted here.
Mystic Guilden
17 years ago
Mystic Guilden
Mage
Thanks MK, i tend to rhyme because originally that was how i thought poetry should be (admittedly i was still in primary school st the time). I would love to finish that story but am having trouble re-connecting with the feelings of grief and post grief reflection that allowed me to write it. But if i ever finish i will post it here.
This one needs more work... there is something about it that gnaws at me, but i thought i would post it anyway.
The Ride
The rhythmic thrumming of horses hooves,
drum beneath my body's weight,
and i cling so tight to the reins
my mount begins to slow.
Up ahead a fence takes its form,
melting into metallic solidarity,
and i relax, molding every sinew to
my mount jumping for freedom.
Again a fence takes its place,
arrogantly I spur on my horse,
and i tighten my grip so fiercely
my mount clips the fence and we topple into darkness.
i really like that! such an unexpected ending - the use of 'arrogantly' sort of gives it away, as one should never be arrogant with a horse [img]http://s4.images.proboards.com/smiley.gif" alt=":)" border="0"/> but i was still suprised.
is that a memory? or something that happened to a friend? my sis had a really nasty horse fall years ago - hairline fracture in her shoulder blade - and she hasn;t ridden since.
i think you used 'my mount' too much maybe? i dunno. it works, but depending on what you are going for, really separates horse and rider. whenever i ride, which is not much these days, i like to consider me and the horse as one. if it is about controlling the animal, then it works.
its a great length - any longer and i think the feeling would be lost.
cheers
MK
Mystic Guilden
17 years ago
Mystic Guilden
Mage
Thanks MK, I am sorry your sister doesn't ride anymore. I have only ever been on a horse for about 5 seconds, but i was so frightened of falling I had to get down.
The Ride was an example of controlling, it was actually based on a dream i had the day before i wrote it. I found it funny because in my dream i was riding Faraf and being chased by Malik on Zidon (I have just finished reading the OC's again). My dream was as the poem reads and i think with the poetic translation, I have become aware that there was a message in the dream for me.
Thanks for reading
~Ari~
hmm perhaps there was! maybe about controlling your fears or something...
i love writing from dreams or memory. with the memory, things become hazy over time, and i kind of like that reflective space - it gives you the chance to romantisice a bit...
Mystic Guilden
17 years ago
Mystic Guilden
Mage
I havent posted here in ages...my mind must have dried up.
Anyway, this is a work in progress (it needs more added and work on what is already written)
Untitled
As water drips into water
Rippples rent and repeat on eternities surface,
Always exhisting, never ending,
Growing in constant loops.
....i had so much more in my head at the time i wrote this, but i could not get it out, so i decided to leave it and wait for it to come to me again....
Mystic Ward
17 years ago
Mystic Ward
Twentyfamilies Gypsy
Wow Ari, you write good. I loved your stories, youare able to expres real emotion the I as the reader was able to 'feel'. you need to work a little on spelling and grammer but they are really good. I especially enjoyed your poetry and love that you dream messages that translate to written words. Please post more. Cheers
I agree with Deb, your writing's good. I could place myself in the person's shoes easily (which I have a habit of doing). I like your style, it's different and unique (as it is with everyone elses work), interestng and expressive. Keep on writing!
Hey Ari!
Good to see you writing again! I, too, seem to have dried up! something is struggling to escape, but it has to fight through all the school stuff i have in there at the moment.
that last poem, untitled, leave it as it is! i think its gorgeous and does not need anything else added!
MK
Mystic Guilden
17 years ago
Mystic Guilden
Mage
Thank you for you feedback Deb, Dragonrider and MysteriKat.
Its nice to know that my writing can do more than sit in a book under my bed collecting dust.
I'm glad you think that last poem doesnt need any more additions MK, because i just cant tap into that creative part of my brain at the current moment, so thats how is going to remain, for a while at least.
no worries! i like it alot! its really beautiful!
Really nice poems! I especially like the new ones, If Only... and the Untitled water one. The imagery is really strong in both of them. I agree that the latest one doesnt need to be longer, but I would like to see it used somehow... In a small collection of poems perhaps? It sets a nice serene feel.
I admit I got a little lost in the prose pieces. I guess I need a bit more context before I can get into it. Its hard to just jump into them, especially the first. In prose I like clear characters that I can identify with. Thats just me though, and there is certainly nothing wrong with stories without conventional characters (and I do think it is a story, not just a piece of description).
Good writing, anyway!
Actually, that first piece grew on me as I wrote that. I just had to put myself into it. amazing how you read something differently when you're trying to give an opinion. :D
Mystic Guilden
17 years ago
Sat Jan 06 2007, 09:29pm
Mystic Guilden
Mage
Welcome to Writersmerge Huxley Bard, and thank you for the feedback.
Its funny you mentioned about the 'absence' of character in the prose pieces. I normally like to know exactly who it is i am writing about, i work in depth on character descriptions....but for these it was more like 'I' was the character and knew everything there is to know, so there was no character in the story. Thats the best way i could explain it anyway.
Thanks for reading :)
Mystic Guilden
17 years ago
Mystic Guilden
Mage
I just wanted to add this one, another short poem (rhyming of course) that i had in my sig on Snow Walker Kay's site.
And so the world does fade and crumble,
Under the moon's silver light,
But the stars never waver,
Belittling human might.
Mystic Guilden
17 years ago
Sat Jan 13 2007, 11:59am
Mystic Guilden
Mage
Death of Kathleen
Tears fall at my feet,
The more I cry the more i sink,
Choking on blackened mud,
Screaming, calling for help.
Faces smiile but I dont see them,
Through my tear filled eyes.
Birds sing but i dont hear them,
Heartache filling my mind.
I whisper to the darkness,
All the words unsaid,
But cannot find the comfort i seek,
To allow my soul to rest.
Tears fall at my feet,
The more I cry the more I sink,
Choking on blackened mud,
Screaming, calling for help.
Mystic Ward
17 years ago
Mystic Ward
Twentyfamilies Gypsy
that is really beautiful Ari. knowing how it is to feel grief it touched my heart. one suggestion though, you should use tears instead of tiers, unless you are talking about levels/layers and not crying??? cheers
Mystic Guilden
17 years ago
Mystic Guilden
Mage
Thanks deb, i have never been sure of which "tears" it was.