Dear Doctor Satan,
thankyou for the prescriptions of anti-psychotics, I am now 8394u5% spork free.
My toes are 5 foot 2 inches high in the air, do you believe this is enough? I have made an appointment with the iguanaologist for next week, since my toes don't seem to be fading.
Yours unnamably,
No Name
Dear doctor,
I mentioned earlier that my son Clouse shot me in the bottom with a paper wasp. Unfortuanately, my brother came back from the dead and put a bitting bug in it. The bug bit me when it hit my bottom, and now my bottom has swelled to the size of a alarge turnup.
Sometimes when I sleep it swells, and I know it is spreading. I have noticed my arms have bagan sagging, my ears have stretched, and my nose has broken out in zits.
It is quite sore. I have visited the local witch who is an expert in apothcary, but all she gave me was a red liquid which made me sprout out in more purple pimples.
Can you help me? Am I too lost to be saved?
Yous faithfully,
Katishtka Kosoloupe.
Dear Miss Kosoloupe,
My apologies for the length of time it has taken me to reply. I was occupied in finding an iguanaologist, and then I most unfortunately lost my brain.
But enough about my problems.
The short answer to your question is yes, Miss Kosoloupe. You are too late to be saved. However, given your unfortunate preoccupation with my evilness, and stupidity in consulting a witch instead of yours truly, I fail to see why I should be concerned.
I can solve your problem, but now I am quite irritated, so I will require not only your soul in payment but someone elses as well. (How is that darling young daughter of yours, by the way?)
I hope this settles the matter.
Dr. Satan
Dear Dr Satan,
I am not angered by the length of time it has taken you to reply, and I hope that you retrace your steps and find your lost brain.
And to your answer to my question, you have made me truly petrified. I have decided now to move and live in a small cave with my children in the alps.
I do feel quite concerned about you wanting my soul in payment, but I guese it is only fair.
Dorothy wishes for me to tell you that she is happily living her life to the full, not caring that one day an evil doctor may want to take her soul (cough cough).
I guese that this does settle the matter,
Yours faithfully,
Katishtka Kosoloupe.
Keeper of the Sherbet Lemons
19 years ago
Keeper of the Sherbet Lemons
Guildmember
Dearest Dr. Satan,
I am afriad i am at a loss as to what i should do.
You see, i have an evil twin, and i locked him up in the attic years ago in an attempt to try and contain his evillness.
But it just occured to me the other day, that i think the doctor got it wrong, and that, in fact, i am the evil twin. I see this as being correct because the other day i pushed a little old lady down the stars.
I am feeling more and more like the harbinger of evil, and was wondering, is there anyway you can help me resolve these difficulties. You see, i still have the lingering traces of a conscience. After the lady haplessly tumbled down the stairs, i was drawn to calling her an ambulance (mind you, i did get great delight when the llamas drawing the ambulance carriage accidently stepped on her corpse)
Is there anything you can perscribe that might help me with these woes?
Yours
Sunnav Lou Siffer
Dear Sunnav Lou Siffer,
First of all, let me clear up something. There is a common misconception in the community that there will always be a 'evil' twin and a 'good' twin. This is a fallacy born of faierie worship and so forth back in medieval times.
With the new concepts of medicine in the twentieth century, we have come to learn that there is no dichotomy in twins personalities. Twins are only special in that they look the same. Otherwise, in their brain patterning they are the same as everyone else. This means that they are just as evil as everyone else.
So, there is no 'misdiagnosis'. You're just evil, and you should be proud of it! I reccommend letting your twin out of the attic. If you've already progressed to pushing little old ladies down stairs, can you imagine how twenty years in an attic would have warped his mind! Think of the great and evil things you could acheive with such a family member. It may assist with your continued pangs of conscience.
Should you wish to remove those lingering traces, the answer is of course to push more little old ladies downstairs. I recommend visiting Camelalot West Retirement Village. Go to the second floor. That place is like a candy store!
Yours,
Dr. Satan
Dear Doctor Satan,
It is I, No Name once again.
My toes successfully have been removed by the iguanaologist so I now have 11 new souls to send you in payment of this request (although my third little toe seems very reluctant to go in my shiney pink box).
I have resently been sneezed on by an old lady in the park, and am afraid I have caught the Old People Disease! I have 63 grey hairs, a back ache, a severe tendancy to call everyone Young Whippersnappers and youngin's and am yelling at my MP3 player to turn that infernal racket down, but thus, it is evanescence.
I fear for my insanity,
Yours Unnamably,
No Name
P.S. Turn this infernal waiting room music down! [img]http://s2.images.proboards.com/angry.gif" alt=">:(" border="0"/>
Dear Miss Finland,
Sadly your foot is too icky to be dealt with. So I shall remove it for you. (Free of charge if you allow me to do it with my eyes closed).
Please come to my clinic for appraisal as soon as is convenient.
Yours and disgusted,
Dr. Satan
Dear Miss Grupton,
I'm sorry, what was the problem? Please write more clearly in future as I am very busy with my other duties as the overlord of hell.
Briefly:
Orange is the colour of hell, and my second favourite colour after red. So wear it more often, as subliminally I feel it subverts people to the Dark side.
I have never heard of pranextia, but I do know that you shouldn't be able to live without kidneys. You should certainly have exploded by now due to excessive fluid build-up. If you have not done so by the time you recieve this reply, please come and see me at the clinic. I'm sure medical researchers will be very interested in your case, and willing to pay you to examine your body. I am happy to broker a deal on your behalf, for a percentage, of course. Shall we say 20%?
Finally, 4526 children is far too many for you to be emotionally attached to them all. Send along the ones you have no time for, and I shall find a use for them. I have a need for minions...amongst other things...
I hope this helps whatever your problem was,
Dr. Satan
Dear Dr. Satan, could you please help? My pet snail has a crush on Madam Vega! It's a serious pyscho ailment!!! Help meee!! By the way, i myself am perfectly healthy with my ten fingers and twenty-seven toes.
dear Dr Satan
it's me again!
This letter is about my great aunt's neices purple donkey's cousin's brother's wife's eighty-ninth cousin sixty three times removed. She has recently gotten over her fear of feet, what can I do, as it's my neices purple donkey's cousin's brother's wife's eighty-ninth cousin sixty three times removed's foot smelling contest next week, and I absolutely refuse to let her win.
Dear whoever the heaven you are,
Madam Vega is a very dear friend of mine and I will thank you not to spread such malicious rumours about her.
Please reply with your address. My minions have a...present...for you.
Dr. Satan
Dear Stranger,
Obviously you expect me to know you, even though you have failed to sign your letter. I have news for you madam. I am a very busy man and remembering the name of one insignificant little soul is hardly worth my effort.
You are a fool. That is the answer to whatever question you had about your purple donkey.
Unless you are willing to sign a contract, please do not bother me again.
Dr. Satan.
Feb 13, 2006, 1:29pm[/url], catwhisperer[/url] wrote:Hey! Your ordeal makes mine seem unimportant...!
[/quote]
Perhaps you should draw a lesson from this dear, and stop bothering the doctor inappropriately.
Yours,
Dr. S
Keeper of the Sherbet Lemons
18 years ago
Keeper of the Sherbet Lemons
Guildmember
Dr. Satan,
My foot has just fallen off, do you see this as a problem in my upcoming marathon? If so, is there any way you can help me, i may have a few things to make it worth your while...
from,
Footloose Anne'free
Dear Dr Satan,
I wish to tell you of an alarmingly tall doctor by the name of
Dr. God.
Dr. God has been seen around in and out of pubs with my dead Eril
and my dears Dorothy and Clouse.
Dr. God has been posting signs in the pub that he can fix kidneys
and foot fungus' faster than you.
I think a lightning bolt might do the trick, but sadly My brother has been
secretly stealing then from your warehouse.
Would you please fix the problem?
P.s - I have been diagnosed( by Dr. God that I have inafilimania, though
Dr. God will not tell me what it is or how I can treat the problem. Will you please
tell me what it is and how I can go about treating it?)
Yours faithfully
Katishtka Kosoloupe.
Dear Dr Satan
Clouse has joined the foot - biting army!! He has formally cut off his foot and placed it on a plaque wich is displayed on our mantlepiece!! What should I do?
Also, Dorothy has been kidnapped by Robina Hood who will not give her back unless I find an ailment to cure sickly zombie bites!! Do you have this ailment?? If so, could you please reply and/or send it to my new adress which is:
1b Gurg Avenue,
Convac Square
Turnip
Albania.
Thankyou, your worrrywart annoyance,
Katishtka Kosoloupe
Dear Footloose Anne'free,
First my most sincere apologies for my length of time in replying. Three years is quite inexcusable. I was attempting to defeat the armies of heaven.
It went, well. Yes. Well.
As to the problem at hand. I have a unique solution. You lament the loss of one foot - but you will have the advantage if the other competitors have no feet.
If you genuinely have something to make things "worth my while" I can offer any even better solution. It is, after all, remarkably easy to win in a field of one.
Contact my office post-haste. Perhaps we can make a deal.
Sincerely,
Dr. Satan
[ligne][/ligne]
Dear Ms Kosoloupe,
Why aren't you dead? You should be dead by now. Three years is a long time and I cannot accurately remember why I haven't killed you.
Please present to my office as soon as possible. I wish to fix this irritating situation.
I will, of course, bulk bill for the consultation.
Yours in irritation,
Dr. Satan
[ligne][/ligne]
Dear Ms Kosloupe,
Ahah!
See you soon,
Dr. Satan.
P.S. Seriously? How are you not dead?
I must be losing my touch..
Dear Dr. Satan,
shall I bring Clouse with me? I know you would love to see Dorothy, but of course, her present situation will not allow with. Would you mind calling Robina Hood so my dear daughter can be present at this very important tme?
Yours faithfully,
Katishtka Kosoloupe
P.S:if you feel you are losing your touch, pehaps apply some cream or ointment?
