The Diary of Dr. Satan.
Bunday 1st.
Dear Diary,
Oooo...am so v.v.v.annoyed with silly Lady and her equally silly minions. Wish I was God instead of Satan so I could shoot her with a lightening bolt. Her staff still refusing to vacate my premises. I don't care what they say, property was signed over to me fair and square. Just cause after all the sillyness of Her hoity-toityness.
I am most annoyed with Personification of Theme Song. I try to explain that law is on my side, and he goes on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on..........
three hours later...
Sorry Diary, my pen ran out of ink, and was forced to drain patient of blood to refill it. Horribly messy process. I blame that horrid theme song. All he does is go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on......
three hours later...
Too tired to talk any longer. Will assemble minions and begin all out assault on Well-Bred Manor tomorrow. Will take hot iron shaped into the word etcetera to brand on Theme Song's forehead.
I hate the Lady. Hate her, Hate her, HATE HER!
The Diary of the Personification of the Themesong From Titanic
Bunday 1st.
Dear Diary...
Oh dear. Oh dear oh dear oh dear oh dear oh dear.
Oh dear.
OH dear.
OH DEAR!
OH OH OH DEARIE ME!
OH DEAR!!!
Three hours later
Sorry, I went on a bit there. And on and on and on and on and on... But my point is:
Oh dear.
Need a better lawyer. Or maybe an ENORMOUS stick.
Bugger.
Dear Diary,
Things are going well. The Lady appears much better since she came home. She's upstairs right now, watching musicals with the Miniature Model of a Scandinavian Elephant Who Sings a Line From a Popular Musical Every Second Sentence. Cannot believe I sent her to Institution where Dr. Satan works! So appalled at my own incompetence, had to set fire to own trousers and then withold meals from self for three weeks as punishment. Miss The Lady very much. It's just not the same inflicting cruel and unusual punishment upon myself. Suppose have something to look forward to. Will know she's better when she starts trying to break my toes in a nut-cracker and forces me to eat gerbils without any salt. Ah, those were the days!
At any rate, have won the legal battle against Dr. Satan, at least thus far. No doubt he has further plans. The security at the Manor has been heavily upgraded, but will not outline it here, in case this diary should fall into the wrong hands.
Good gracious! Someone is screaming outside...
Back. It's alright. Just a girl scout being attacked by the Guard Monkeys. I've dispatched her to the hospital, where I'm sure they will reattach her spleen.
I do believe The Lady is calling me! Joy of joys, I'm sure I heard a "Get up here now, you foul-smelling dolt of a Minion!"
Maybe she'll even put me in the pizza oven for a few hours!!! One can only hope...
Bunday 3rd
Dear Diary,
I am most enormously vexed, dear diary. Some charity has been given my extra-special-private mailbox number, and has been sending me useless pamphlets day and night.
I do not care for dancing, dear diary (apart from Morris dancing, of which I am perversely fond). I especially do not think that elephants require tap shoes or that penguins need tutus.
I would have thought that this would be obvious! I suspect the Lady. Unfortunately when I went to confront her she had left the hospital. Damn ThemeSong.
He has not reckoned with the Prince of the Underworld before. I will tear that house apart, brick by brick if I need to. Just as soon as I clear my letterbox...
Dear Diary,
I'm in the paper! My complaint about that awful Dr. Satan has made the news! I hope they take his fake licence away, and stop the cereal companies handing them out in future!
In other news, today The Lady held me upside down over a pit of ravenous crocodiles and then put my fingers through a meat grinder!
Glory be! She's all better again!!!
The Diary of The Lady
Dear Diary (to whit: the bit of paper on which I am composing this epistle),
No word from that scoundrel Dr. Satan in some time. This is most disconcerting.
He is up to something.
Bunday 100th
Dear Diary,
Most frightful apologies for my neglect of you Dear Diary. I have been much engaged in the Real World, stealing souls and possessing humans. Ho hum, just the usual daily grind.
It's boring but someone has to do it.
Walked passed Well Bred Manor the other day. Brand new electric fences are most amusing. Of course they are no match for the Prince of Darkness, but the Lady needs to spend her money on something!
I saw a hedgehog in the backyard as well. I smiled and it scuttled inside in fear. Nice to know the old sardonic smile is still working as well as it used to.
Twas a nice stroll, in truth, I possessed a pineapple soul on my walk back to the Clinic, so it was productive too! And I got some nice cardiovascular exercise. Must keep the old coronary arteries clear of plaque. It's hard to chase down earthly souls if you're struggling to breathe after all!
Additionally, I suspect my visit to Well Bred Manor has been reported to the Lady by the scared looking Hedgehog. Suspect it will provoke a reaction, even though I have done nothing!
Ah, sometimes it is good to be Undead!
