hmm so this is a very different rhythm than i usually write, so tell me what you think of it!
It’s Not Your Fault
It’s not your fault,
I was broken beyond repair.
You tried to fix me,
But now I’m gone,
And so are you.
‘Cause I had already been lost,
You tried to pull me back,
But I just pushed you away,
You crashed,
You crashed.
‘Cause now it’s broken,
Shattered – Nothing left untouched.
Pieces strewn about,
Leaving scars even now,
But it’s not your fault,
I guess I just didn’t want your love.
No, it’s not your fault,
Please hold on to your innocence.
I didn’t mean to break down,
It’s not your fault.
I was broken but still here,
I wanted to burn and disappear.
I killed our love,
You burned but didn’t die,
I’m so sorry,
I’m so sorry,
My love.
But now it’s broken,
Shattered – Nothing left untouched.
Pieces strewn about,
Leaving scars even now
But it’s not your fault,
I guess I just didn’t want your love.
No, it’s not your fault,
Please hold on to your innocence.
I didn’t mean to break down.
It’s not your fault.
‘Cause I forgot about you,
And only thought about me.
I left you to burn,
I left you to scar,
Please don’t break,
Not like this,
Not like me.
Please don’t break,
Not like me.
But now you’re broken,
Shattered- Nothing left untouched.
Pieces strewn about,
Leaving scars even now.
But it’s not your fault,
I guess I just didn’t want you anymore.
No, it’s not your fault,
Please hold on to your innocence.
I didn’t mean to break you down,
It’s not your fault.
It’s not your fault,
I was broken beyond repair.
You tried to fix me,
But now I’m gone,
And so are you.
So, what do ya think? different right? different good or bad?? lol, thanks for reading...
11 years ago
Tue Nov 06 2012, 08:13am
I love the guilt and sadness in this Dakosha! I found the way you keep going back to 'it's broken' and 'you're broken' really effective; a sort of melancholy rhythm that hit home really well.
While Andrea from my book hasn't really hurt anyone else, I imagine the repetitive guilt your speaker is expressing is kind of what she would have been feeling when studying with Devyn. Just see-sawing back between misery and wishing she could do something to make the other person happy.
Wish I could write poetry; all you people in Writersmerge are amazing :P.
ty so so so much, darga! i was really worried about this poem, cause the rhythm is just so different from what i usually write. Glad to know it's ok, tho! Makes me want ot keep trying different things, which is good! (I think)
Course it's good :). We're always happy to be experimented with, here!
lol, little did you know, i'm also experimenting with ur minds!!!! MUAHAHAHA o, yes, words, btw, i think i should be posting a paragraph or something over in prodders in a little bit. Remind me if i forget, i'm also gaming and talkin to a friend, lol.
Poem!!!! woot! and some paragraphs over in prodders. Tell me what you think about htis, guys, i'm not sure i'm happy with the 3rd stanza. Any suggestions? Or even the last 2 lines, anything better? Help?
Life’s Crazy
Life’s a crazy ride,
When the highs go too high,
You can’t take a breath,
Before you fall back down,
Below the ground,
Suffocating in the earth,
Covered in dirt.
Life’s a crazy dream,
Feels so real,
But gone in a moment,
Lost to cruel reality,
Broken down,
Beaten up,
Never to be seen again.
Life’s a crazy hope,
It’s the hope that you can hold on,
Just long enough,
To reach the highs,
To live the dream,
To hold on to hope.
Life is crazy,
There’s no escaping that.
should i just get rid of the 3rd stanza and last 2 lines? *shrugs* ideas?
I don't think you should get rid of anything.
I love the rhythm to this - it's as crazy as you're saying life. These short sentences are kind of jagged and chaotic and really, really effective!
It's awesome :)
TY! i love the first 2 stanzas, i was just really worried that the other half of the poem didn't fit.
I think it fit fine. Same rhythm; just as effective!
I like the poem. The imagery is really good and I agree with Darga that the slightly jagged rhythm works well. I also feel that the second half is necessary, it ties it all together. :)
Ty TY TY TY TY!!! Lol, ty guys.
I think 'Life's Crazy' is fine the way it is. If the rhythm were more formal then it wouldn't be as effective! Great work!
Yay! ty! lol. thank you guys os much for the comments!
11 years ago
Sun Dec 16 2012, 12:52am
poem/song!! woot! HOw do you like? HOpe it sounds right...
Cry With Me
I’m here, all alone,
So I walk, on my own,
And I know, it’ll all work out,
But I can’t, convince my heart.
As you walk, do you think of me?
As you walk, do you dream of the day,
When you, return to me?
As you walk, do you wish you could run,
Straight into, my waiting arms?
As I walk, I can’t help but cry,
For you.
I know we’ll meet,
And when we do,
Will you let, the silence live,
‘Cause I can’t answer,
The question, of why I cry.
So when, we get to meet,
Will you hold me, and cry.
I know, I’ll make it,
Through the dark,
To the light of you.
I know, I’ll make it,
Through the cold,
To the warmth of you.
I know, we’ll get there,
And when we do,
Will you let, the silence live,
‘Cause I can’t answer,
This question, of why I cry.
So when we get there,
Will you hold me, and cry.
We’ll be together,
Through thick and thin.
We’ll be together,
Through fire and ice.
We’ll be together,
For as long,
As you cry with me.
I know, I’ll see you,
And when I do,
Will you let, the silence live,
‘Cause I can’t answer,
This question, of why I cry.
So when I see you,
Will you hold me, and cry.
I’m here, all alone,
So I’ll walk, on my own,
But I know, that I’ll see you,
So when I do, will you cry,
Here, with me?
So, how do you like it? Anyting that seems awkward, out of rhythm/place? Anything at all you think needs changed? TY!
Edit: well, i've already decided i'm going to move some things, and change a bit. But not right now. Soon :) i'll tell you when it's updated.
Reading back through a random few I really like 'Lost it all' and I love 'life's crazy' and I think it is great, I wouldn't change it, especially the last two lines. They kind of tie it in or something for me.
It's beautiful, Dakosha. I think the commas in the middle of your sentences threw me a bit when I first read it, but I bet if it's sung, it'll sound perfect. And the words are lovely. These bits were my favourites, I think:
'I know, I’ll make it,
Through the dark,
To the light of you.
I know, I’ll make it,
Through the cold,
To the warmth of you.'
I think 'Cry with me' has a lovely rhythm, and the lyrics are poetic and meaningful. I can really imagine the intensity of the love that these two people share for each other, or at least, how the author feels about someone else.
Really good =D
TYVM guys, like i said, i'm hoping to reword it just slightly. Glad you guys like it, tho!!
While i have not done the promised rewording, i have 2 new poems. Woot woot! Here ya go :)
Be Mine
Be my sun,
I’ll be your moon.
Be my King,
I’ll be your Queen.
Be my heart,
I’ll be your soul.
Be my love,
And I’ll be yours, too.
Just be mine,
I’ll forever hold true.
Just be mine,
I’ll stay for all of time.
Sweet, isnt it? kind of short, but i like it :)
Okay, now a kind of sad one...
The Dying
The sky is black,
The earth is red.
Dying, Dying,
Crying for the Dying.
The earth’s tears flow,
Turn what was green to red,
Blue to black.
We’re dying,
We’re crying.
The sky is gone,
Lost to a sea of black,
Black like the ash of the dead,
The dying,
At least they are no longer crying.
The world moves,
Tilts, disappears,
Now it is my turn,
To join the Dying,
The Dying.
No more crying for the dying,
For I’ve gone and joined them.
Now someone can cry for me,
And carry the weight of the dying.
Yes, i know, lots of hurricane problems and i go and write a poem about what someone would think if they were near a volcano that erupted. *facepalms* Oh well, how do you like it? Haunting enough? Please tell me what could be better, if the rhythm is right, etc! And thanks for reading!!!
Be Mine is very sweet. Short and simple and effective - you don't always need a lot of words to express something as powerful as love, I think :).
My favourite bit in The Dying, I think, is where your narrator hints that death is not so bad, given how terrible the things he/she is experiencing are (ie, where the narrator says 'at least they are no longer crying'.) It just felt like a very effective message. I like the rhythm, too. It is beautiful and, as you said, haunting.
TY so so much! i really like these poems, so definetly glad you do, too.
Anways, another poem! :) Some of these could probably be changed for hte better, so if anyone has any ideas, pls tell!!!
Without your love
I know all the words,
To your favorite songs,
But I don’t like to sing along,
Without you.
I know all the rhythms,
Your heart holds,
But I don’t like to dance,
All alone.
I need you by my side.
Will you dance with me?
I need you close to me.
I need you in the air I breathe.
I need you in the love I feel.
So don’t leave me all alone,
With only your memories,
And nothing left to share.
Don’t leave me all alone,
Without your love.
I know all the warmth,
Your lips give to me,
But I don’t dare to smile,
Until you are close.
I know all the spaces,
You have been with me,
But I don’t dare to run,
Until you are free with me.
I need you by my side.
Will you smile with me?
I need you close to me.
I need you in the air I breathe.
I need you in the love I feel.
So don’t leave me all alone,
With only your memories,
And nothing left to share.
Don’t leave me all alone,
Without your love.
The silence is creeping in,
I feel it in my skin,
When you aren’t here,
When you aren’t here.
Now you’re close to me,
And I hear you whisper,
In my ear.
“I know all the love,
You have shared with me,
And I won’t let it go,
As long as you hold on,
With me.â€
‘Cause I need you by my side,
To sing with me.
I need you close to me.
I need you in the air I breathe.
I need you in the love I feel.
So don’t you ever,
Leave me all alone,
With only my memories,
And nothing left to share.
Don’t you dare leave me,
All alone,
Without your love.
Hope you guys like it!
If I Die
If I die,
Will the truth be told,
Or will the lies,
Come back to haunt
The living who mourn me?
If I die,
Will they see the real me,
The one who was imperfect,
The one who was good,
And bad?
If I die,
Will my memory survive,
Or will it be distorted,
In the flames of wishes,
For a happier remembrance?
If I die,
Will all of me live?
Or just the part,
That is deemed worthy
Of surviving?
If I die,
I want to be remembered,
Honestly,
Not just the happy times,
But the sad ones, too.
If I die,
Will you remember me,
For who I was,
Not who you,
Wish I was?
I love 'If I die', Dakosha. There's always that tendency to immortalise a person who's died as some sort of perfect saint, but that denies them the dignity of being human and complicated and being able and allowed to make mistakes.
This is the sort of thing I can imagine Mari from your short story shouting from the treetops, when she's in one of those free, abandoned sort of moods, but still remembers the darkness that drags her down :).
And 'Without your love' - I'm sure that's exactly what Matthew was feeling when Andrea went off to go kick Devyn's butt. (My book wasn't romantic AT ALL [act]shakes head[/act]. Lucky Shonk doesn't read the poetry threads so won't be able to rebut this comment :).) It's really beautiful.
Thanks for sharing both of these :).
AWWWW TY for the comment about how Matthew feels. That totally works! It makes the poem feel that much sweeter to me because i know form ur writing how Matthew felt, lol.
Haha, ya, i think i was boring one of Marissa's defiant moments when i wrote If I Die. BTW, think i'm posting more of her soon. woot woot, i love this character!!!!!!!!!!
As ALWAYS!!! TY for reading!